“The UMass Anarchist” - adapted by BLaCKBeaRD
the following is an adaptation of a series of zines posted under the
name of "the umass
anarchist." it’s not really about anarchy, but
more a look into what makes college life
tick nowadays, which i
guess in it’s own rite is anarchic in nature.. the first series was
one long story for the
sake of reading purposes. it was written by
two guys, one named Jason, and the other Mike,
who, presumedly, go
to school at umass.
all we really know about these guys is
what we read in this piece.
i’m not sure how old it is, but my guess is it goes back a
couple
years because i originally saw it posted in like it is below in a
bbs message
board about a year ago.
BLaCK BeaRD
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* SUBJECT
–> nineteen…and counting.
The Chronicles, volume pi, in which Jason gets an
unexpected birthday
gift from the university…
I woke up this early this
morning, determined to get to my VERY early (9:30)
class on time despite the smow and ice on
the sidewalks. Jessie and Amanda
both called me and wished me a happy day, and I was getting
the feeling that,
regardless of the bleak weather, I was going to enjoy today. I went into
the
bathroom and washed my face and looked at a sign posted next to the mirror.
"No classes before 11AM"
I looked at my nineteen year old face in the mirror.
My hair was pointing in
18 different directions, and my unshaven appearance gave me the air of
a very
lazy beatnik writing poetry in smokey cafes. As I brushed my teeth my eyes
wandered back to the sign.
"No classes before 11AM"
Hmmm. Maybe
my friend Brian is trying to tell us that he is sleeping and
doesn’t want to be disturbed. I
went back into my room and grabbed my coat
and hat, and walked to the elevator. Another
sign.
"No classes before 11AM"
Now I have heard of a lightbulb
appearing over one’s head upon the realization
of a very elusive yet obvious concept, and I
even saw a lightbulb appear over
some people’s head when they got the punchline of a joke, but
I never thought
it would happen to me. Of course! Morning classes are canceled due to the
blissfully fell back
into a deep, rapid eye movement sleep. Thank you all for
your birthday wishes…
-jason "over-the-hill"
"Why are birthdays so special? It just means
you’ve gone another year without
dying!"—————Jerry Seinfeld
* SUBJECT –> Spring Break…(?)
Once upon a time lived a social institution called
the university. There were
many universities all around the world, and they’d often get
together and
drink tea while discussing all the ways that they could make people’s lives
miserable. One day they had a great idea…"Let’s make our spring breaks at
totally
different times from each other so that the students have a hard time
hanging out with their
friends from home!" And so it was. All the students
had a different week off, and nobody
was happy…
Yes, my collegiate friends, spring break may or may not be upon us and the
question on everyone’s lips is "Who the hell’s Lamar Alexander?" In all
seriousness,
however, we are also confused as to when our respective spring
breaks are. Here’s mine…
…until Sunday, March 26th
In between the aforementioned
dates will constitute a period of severe
inebriation, mind-altering chemicals, and early
mornings spent watching
"Rolanda" and "Ricki Lake". (all times eastern
standard) I know everyone is
busy studying (?) for exams but I’d like to reserve a small
portion of your
cerebrum to memorizing the following seven
numbers…7…5…2…3…4…9…8
That’s called my "phone number". Feel free to
call it anytime, night or day,
except of course during the hours that "Rolanda" and
"Ricki Lake" are on. I
am hoping that there will be a small period where all of our
breaks overlap
and we could all sit around in our rocking chairs, fire up a couple stogies,
bad. (those
in accelerated math courses can substitute "Mr. Latham" for "Mr.
Rosenberg"….ah, wasn’t high school grand?) Seriously people, I am always up
for a party
so if you got the time, I got the beer, Mr. Crowe has the ladies,
and Newark has the
drugs…so let’s get together!
Write back you apathetic slugs!
Hugs and
kisses,
Jason a.k.a. "The last living liberal"
* SUBJECT
–> Shiny Happy Students
Finally…
Spring break has come to the UMass/Amherst
campus, and quite probably to the
whole nation. I realize that many of you lucky heathens are
already
participating in hedonistic rituals (drinking), keeping up to date on the
latest
in national events (via Oprah) and just hanging out with old friends
(drinking). If you are, I
say congratulations and next week when you’re
sweating it out it’ll be me sleeping until 2pm
every day! (wait, I do that
already…) It is almost a certainty that my roomate will be in a
different
room when we come back from break. Yeah, I’ll have a single room! Now my
only
impediment/excuse for not studying will be the legions of drunk friends
drooling bodily fluids
on my new carpet. They’ve really helped me get my
roomate out…I think it was the vomit, or
maybe the drinking until 4am, but
they definitely made their prescence known until almost I
wanted to move out.
One of the funniest/most curious things to come out of the UMass
campus in the
past few weeks has been a new nickname for me. And it’s sticking, fast.
Since most of the people here are from UMass, I’ve been dubbed "New Jersey".
I guess
it answers two questions at once. So, strolling down memory lane,
I’ve decided to make an
official list of all lasting nicknames, not taking
into account vulgarities (hey shithead!),
political references (you liberal
pinko pot-smoking hippie bleeding-heart commie bastard!), or
terms
of endearment (honey, sweetie, baby, darling, you sexy Greenbrooker).
This
list is as follows: In decending order of popularity
Stoner (and it’s variations, e.g.
Stoney, Stone, Stoned, Stone-boy)
Fish (remember that awful dangling earring?)
Drugs
(thanks Chris C.!)
Lynch (where kevin got this one i’ll never know)
Freak (c/o A. and L.
Bierbaum)
Muppet (ditto)
Flood (for on-line purposes only)
New Jersey (the college
boy)
-jay
* SUBJECT –> I have returned…
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am back. As you may or may not have heard, the
past semester has
been very difficult for me. But now feel that I have reached
the bottom, if I sank any lower I
could be an archaeologist (bad joke: groan).
It now seems that things are finally getting
better for me. In case you
don’t know the details…a "Cliffs Notes" version:
February: my grandmother died
March: Spring Break (it sucked, for various reasons)
Yes, folks, when it rains,
it pours. But rather than sit around feeling sorry
for myself (I already tried it, it doesn’t
work!) I’m going to make things get
better. Among the happier news…I got tickets to see They
Might Be Giants…I
got a season pass to Great Adventure…school’s out in five weeks! Those
of
you who know me well realize that I am not one to stay depressed forever, life
is
just too full of opportunities. This summer is going to rock. I’m moving
out of my room and
into my very large basement, complete with a pool table, air
hockey table, and one of those
big old refridgerators filled with beer. Spring
is in the air, as is the fragrant aroma of
illegal substances wafting through
the hall of our dorm (as my RA delicately put it, "NO
***** SMOKING IN THE
ROOMS!!") Ahh…college life is grand. I definitely want to have a
very large
party at my house sometime in mid-june. I got the swimming pool, the music,
and the food, you bring the intoxicants! Anyway, it’s just too nice outside
to be sitting in
my room, I’m off to play basketball.
love,
Stoney
* SUBJECT
–> mending a broken heart
’tis I again, Jason, with the latest in quality freelance
journalism:
"The UMass Anarchist" (for want of a better name!) Like all
publications, we
(or rather I) here at the Anarchist have tried hard to provide humorous
entertainment and regular publication depite the rigors of a stressful academic
lineup
(sqauredancing 101?), a busy social life (hey! Wanna pound vodka
shots?), and carpel-tunnel
syndrome. With a little time, self-disapline, and my
handy pocket thesaurus we have created
quite a name for ourselves. First a
little history…(acid flashback…way back to december
1994)…
One day I awoke to hear the menacing click of an automatic against the back of
my sweating temple…it was Mike, fellow journalistic troublemaker
back from my days at
Watchung Hills (remember the earring article?). We had
spent years tormenting Mr. Lee with our
unconventional journalism, writing
articles sure to offend even the most placid students. We
had a lot of fun
pushing the boundaries a safe little high school newspaper, and I yearned
again
for the days when I could again inform and insult the masses. It went
something
like this-
Mike: "Write a newsletter, Stoner."
Me (Stoner):
"Okay."
And so I set about writing a newletter that would explain the
college
experience and poke fun at any and every established "powers that be".
From
annoying RA’s to roomates dancing the watusi naked at 6 A.M., it’s all game for
the
poison pen (uh, keyboard) of the Anarchist. Let us delve into the mystery,
the passion, and
the legacy of college in the spring.
As you may or may not know, my girlfriend of 14
months politely suggested that
seeing other people might be a nifty idea. To put a good spin
on it, I might
say "Hey Ladies! I’m available!!". But there’s no way to sugar coat
it, a
broken heart is a terrible thing to waste (whaa?) Yeah, it totally sucks.
After a
week of paying homage to Jack Daniels and Joe Camel, I came to the
realization that feeling
sorry for myself and being self-destructive will not
only fail to make me feel any better, but
it will make me quite unattractive to
any prospective females.
random girl #1:
"Hey! Who IS that drunken cassanova chain-smoking his way to
heart disease and listening
to Morissey?"
random girl #2: "I don’t know, but I’ve just GOT to have him!"
(and continue ad nauseum)
As
you might say, I’m on the rebound. Men, lock up your daughters!
On the lighter side of
things, all is quite interesting here at UMass/Amherst.
Yes, beautiful Amherst,
Massachusetts, located in the middle of, uh…nowhere.
Come to Amherst and see…uh…the
beautiful scenery. Look at those trees!
There must be a million of them. And the air, it’s so
clean! Did I mention
the scenery? I always suspected they picked the location of
Massachusetts’ main
state college campus by throwing darts at a huge map of the state. Pin
the
tail on the boondocks. Come to Amherst, and visit Emily Dickenson’s
birthplace.
Visit it 20 more times, isn’t it beautiful? Check out that
SCENERY!
The most
interesting thing about attending a huge state univerity is the lines.
Lines at the dining
commons, lines at the post office, lines at the student
union, lines at the library. Even
lines at the toilet bowl after a huge
kegger.
Drunk #1: "Heya buddy, no
cutting in line!"
Drunk #2: "I can’t wait, I’m gonna…*spew* *hurl* *gag*"
Anyway, it’s getting late and I’m
beginning to hear the strains of the Grateful
Dead across the hall. Soon the lines will form
for the toilet, and I sure as
hell aren’t gonna be at the end of the line tonight! If you
liked this
newsletter and would like to comment on it’s quality/content, feel free to
respond. Comments and critisism are welcome. Likewise if you know of anyone
else who might
enjoy this newsletter, new subscribers are always welcome!
In the meantime, Samuel Adams,
here I come…
love,
Jason (also known as)
Stoner
Fish
New
Jersey
Stoney
that messed up kid wearing black Doc Martens
pinko-liberal boy
"respectable
publication"
* SUBJECT –> royale with cheese
Just
when you thought it was safe to check your email…
It’s the brand new issue of the
UMass Anarchist! *applause appluause* Yes
everyone, I, Jason, have taken time out of my busy
sleeping schedule to
bring you the latest in news, entertainment, humor, and revolutionary
welcome and thank
all of you who took the time to send me feedback on the last
issue. Your comments have
inspired me to send out the next issue a little
ahead of schedule. Thank you all for
responding in a timely fashion and making
me the main beneficiary of your estate,
and…uh…yeah, the positive feedback
really made my day. Now down to business…
War caused
the Civil War. Unfortunately, when I picked my topic I failed to
note that I had to have at
least two living sources. If anyone out there knows
any 160 year old Mexican War veterans
please give them my address. Anyway
after bullshitting my way through 6 pages, I realized I
could make up the next
four by double spacing and doubling the size of the font. Hey, at least
my
professor won’t have to use his glasses to read my paper. An opthamoloist came
up to
me and asked if he could use the essay as an eyesight chart. Oh well…
Now for the latest in
the never ending saga of my ex-girlfriend. I got a call
from her yesterday, I asked her how
life was and she said "Terrific!!" Great,
two weeks after she dumped me she’s doing
"terrific" and she’s already found
another guy. Meanwhile I still cry when I hear
cheesey Aerosmith love songs
and I still haven’t been able to take her number out of my
auto-dial (nevermind
getting that tatoo of her name removed from my inner thigh!) Being
single
again after fourteen months is a tough thing to adjust to. I’ve already called
up
all those girls whose advances I resisted when I was hitched, I’ve been to
the gym three times
this week, and I even bought a "little black book", the
defining acessory of every
single guy. Damn, I can’t believe it’s come to
this.
Every now and then I like
to have a guest writer grace us with his/her/its
unparalleled literary skills. This week’s
guest is a good friend of mine from
high school. To protect his anonymity, we’ll call him Mike
Rusignolo. I now
hand you over to Mike…
*******************************************************************************
–>Please
pardon the interuption from "STONER: The Early Years" but something
more important
came up. [Enter the Watchung born]
Random Jerry A. Tric 1: How’s your hip?
Random
Jerry A. Tric 2: Broken, as usual.
Random Jerry A. Tric 1: Oh, mine too. Fell down the
stairs.
Random Jerry A. Tric 2: Same here.
My grandmother told a story at Easter
dinner which I just can’t forget. It was
about three of her "lady friends" who
almost died one fateful thursday last
month. (Old people tend to "almost die" a lot
(and their friends never even
blink about it)) So in the story the three lady friends were
driving back from
Atlantic City (where else?) when "some crazy guy" starts
tailgating them,
according to g’ma, and the guy flashs his lights at the ladies which causes
a
more than normally blinded Martha to lose control of the car which, in turn,
flips
over and oer and they all get really hurt. Sad story? No doubt.
Totally accurate? No way.
Here’s what I think really happened: the old ladies were driving really slow in
the
fast lane of the Garden State Parkway, like say 35-40 mph, and a guy comes
up behind them,
gets all pissed off and ponders the etymology of the misnomer
"fast lane" causing
him to flash his lights at the knitting friends. They, in
turn, flip out, partly because old
people love to flip out and partly because
the last car the driver ever drove was an Edsel,
and sadly, all the quarters in
the back seat fly everywhere. End story 1. You may be
wondering, is there a
point to this story? Well, not really. There is a moral of sorts. The
moral
is: take every tale grandma tells you with a grain of Efferdent. Puke. Who
writes
this crap?
Elderly Man 1: You seen that funny new TV smash "The NOT-SO Late
Show"?
Elderly Man 2: Oh, no, not another cheap plug for Mike and Matt’s crap!
Elderly Man 1: But they gave me an autographed picture of Matlock to say it!
Elderly Man 2:
Lemme see! Lemme see! …ahhh! Andy Griffith!
So I was cleaning the bird crap off my
windshield and mirrors when my stupid
dog (if you know Boomer, you’d know he’s really THAT
STUPID) comes running
outside for no apparent reason. Now, there’s this old lady, for sake of
her
anonymity we’ll call her "Mrs. Motley," which also happens to be her real
name,
but who cares, and Mrs. Motley always walks these two big dogs, REALLY BIG LEAN
MEAN DOGS, who knows what breed, but the dogs in reality walk her. So Boomer
goes darting
across the street at them and her dogs go stark wild, pulling the
Motley Crue (mind you, this
chick’s like 70) in like 20 different directions,
so then she yells something at me I’ll never
forget as long as I live. She
proclaims rightously: "D A M N Y O U ! ! ! !"……ya
know, I’ve said it
before, and I’ll say it again. If walking your dogs is all you have to
worry
about in life, you’re a lucky person.
———————[[And now back
to our regularly scheduled bullshit]]——
*******************************************************************************
Thank
you Mike! And now for the news from the University of Massachusetts:
—————-A
lot of people drank a lot of beer.————————–
And that concludes today’s
news from the University of Massachusetts. We will
be continually updating you on the status
of of Senator Kennedy’s New Year’s
Bash 1972, still going strong somewhere in Orchard Hill
residential area.
And finally…late last night I got a call from those persistent bastards
at
MCI…they want be to leave AT&T and give them a list of my closest friends and
relatives. Thank God these people weren’t in charge of the Gestapo in Nazi
Germany…
"Give us ze names of your closest friends unt relatives, freuline!"
"Can
I still svitch back for free if I’m not completely satisfied?"
Well, I’ve actually got
some studying to do so I must be going. If you’d like
to be a guest writer for the next issue
of the anarchist, send me your writing
and I’ll let you know within two days if you made it.
Again, thank you all who
replied to the last issue, remember, feedback is highly valued!!
(hint, hint)
Until next time,
Jason
* SUBJECT –>
this is not a FWD!!!
Hello, all, you are again worthy enough to be sent the finest in
modern college
humor, the UMass Anarchist!
I’m not feeling very inspired tonight,
so I will turn you over to a rising new
star in the world of satire and bullshitting, and also
a good friend, Mike.
Mike won the spot as this week’s guest satirist. (although there wasn’t
any
competition!) Thanks to all who made last weekend’s trip to UMass U. an
enjoyable
one: Vinnie the cab driver, Auggie the bartender, Dennis for
splitting the cost of the beer,
Matt for the the new interpretation of "Go Ask
Alice, and that asshole who ripped Mike
and I off when he sold us a broken
cordless phone! Dammit!
*********************Definition of Le Stoner*****************
Jason-
It
has been quite some time since I have last written to you, however I
was compelled to write
after reading the last newsletter. I normally lend
my talents for the National Review and
other conservative literature, but
after seeing your vast reading audience I was decided that
even the extremist
left needs to hear from the right.
I was very surprised to
read that you split up with your girlfriend. (Did
child-sexual laws prompt the split?) All of
us who had taken English
composition our senior year with you, M.Dorsi, C.Crowe, G.Chester,
M.Nola,
and anyone else who agoinized thru Ibsen’s A Doll’s House, surely would
understand that she (the woman as she was known as) more than just a mere
girlfriend she
defined the essence of what we knew as the STONER. Without
her underage prescence something
was missing from our favorite bowl packing,
lava lamped, black clad hedonist. She brought
meaning to his snapple and
doritos for breakfast beatnik lifestyle. I did not realize her
magnitude in
his fragile exsistence until one day our English teacher, we shall change his
name to protect his identity, Mr. Clearly questioned the class during a
discussion:
"What is the meaning of love for humans? What is love?"
While
the rest of the class was began to ponder the multitudes of
possibilities for an answer,
Stoner spoke: (artistic lisence has been used)
"Love is something we can’t label.
It is about lying naked
in bed with your baby. Holding her tight. Watching the lava flow.
We all
stared at Stoner (who was dead serious), he sounded like a GAP
commercial. ("Hand fits
glove. So hold your baby tight"). It was then that
I understood the incredible impact
that one twelve year old had upon
Jason. He would no longer be the happy-go lucky GB’er with
the Dr.Seuss hung
around his neck and black massacre, but he had changed to a dark,
brooding,
philosophizing slacker. The type who sits around Starbucks all day using his
finger to swirl the top of double latte while quoting Nitzche. It is this
image of Stoner I
had when I last saw him at graduation. So you can understand
the amazement I experienced when
I heard the news.
mike
*******************************************************************************
* SUBJECT –> UMass Anarchist’s Cookbook
And from our branch office in New
York City, it’s Anarchist correspondent Mike
with the UMass Report! Enjoy…
—– The UMass Report –
ok, you want the long story short? i laughed, rather loudly, in
"Dee-Lite’s"
face. it happened last thursday. we’re walking down the street and the
UMass
Universe Benefit (for AIDS) was just letting out. we see this chick, we didn’t
know who she was, wearing this terrible vintige brady’s 1970’s vinyl
miniskirt with her hair
up in funky pigtails and we have this practice of
calling attention to wild dressers, for
nothing more than the nuts it
takes to do it, so Dennis was in the middle of a sentence when
we see her.
The encounter went something like this. "So anyways, i was thinking about
[thoughtful pause]
[exasperated, and at high volume] ….WWoooowwww!"
Sculnick, who was looking his
primorialist that night, Dennis and I all
literally laughed out loud. I’ll never forget the
look on her face as we
passed. looking back on it now, it seemed to say, "My song went
platinum!
How could you laugh at me? I’m Lady Keare!" Once we passed her i
proceeded to sing her token "Groove is in the heaaaaaaarrt!" at rather
high volume.
I guess if i was drunk, i might have had an excuse for this
rather rude behavior, but if you
think about it, there’s really nothing
wrong with laughing at crazy attire, even if the wearer
has been to the
grammys. —- See You Next Week —-
* SUBJECT –> Lament of the Anarchist
Okay, so she’s a lesbian. Yes folks, the girl
I’ve been checking out for the
past three weeks in my American Lit. class came in the other
day with the
following words printed on her arm: "Queer and Proud". I guess it’s
better I
found out now then when I was going to ask her out on a date…
Stoner:
"So, what kind of music do you like?"
Lesbian grrl: "Melissa Ethridge is my
favorite!"
Oh well. The last thing I need is another "It’s not you, it’s me"
rejection.
Anyway, I’d like to share with you all, my loyal Anarchist readers, a few
samplings of my poetry. Bask in the glow of my literary prowess…
*************
UMass, UMass
we students here smoke lots of grass
my RA has a big fat ass
UMass, UMass
*************
Rutgers, Rutgers, Rutgers, Rutgers
every
minute’s born a sucker
I had a girl, she dumped me, fuck her
Rutgers, Rutgers, Rutgers,
Rutgers
*************
Barnard girls are oh so fine
I’d love to take
one out to dine
we’d dance and kiss and drink some wine
our love would transcend space
and time
*************
They Might Be Giants played a show
I saw them
a couple weeks ago
"Build a birdhouse in your soul"
they played that song, and
many more
*************
My sister’s hooked on phonics
it really is a
shame
she’s given up on whippids
and pot, she says, is lame
my sister’s hooked on
phonics
I wish that she’d could stop
she loves that William Shakespear
and Issac
Azimov rocks
my sister’s hooked on phonics
it’s all she does all day
I slipped
the girl some acid
and took her books away
she’s free of hooked on phonics
she’s
better now for sure
thank god I tried to help her
she’s reading now no more
*************
yellow snow, yellow snow
that stupid dog just had to go
he
had to let the juices flow
yellow snow, yellow snow
*************
My
friend liked Camel filters
he thought they were the best
he just kept smoking ’til they
found
a tumor in his chest
*************
I have a friend in
Brooklyn
and another friend in Queens
we party hard in Flushing,
Great Neck, and
Valley Stream
*************
When I was in Manhattan
I took the 1 and
9
but I ended up on Jay St.
instead of 39th
*************
I
bought a cordless phone
from a vendor on the street
I took it home, it didn’t work
that stupid lying cheat!
*************
I grew up in New Jersey
and
they ask what town I’m from
when I tell them I’m from Green Brook
they laugh and say,
"Ohh, YOU’RE the one…"
**************
My cat ate my canary
so after eating Lassie,
I wonder, "How much fat?"
**************
My twisted brain’s unfocused
my broken heart’s in
pain
and then I know the reason:
It’s finals time again
******************************************************************************
Well,
enough torture for now…all these poems were written off the top of my
head, and as you can
see they are declining in quality as the clock ticks
later and later! Yesterday, May 9th, was
a very important day…of course, you
all realize it was:
"NATIONAL PALINDROME
DAY!!!"
Yes, it was 5/9/95…a palindrome, and so I dedicate this issue of the
Anarchist
to the world’s most famous palindromes…
RADAR
BOB
DAD
TIT
YAY
MOM
GIG
AOXAMAXOA (for all you Dead-heads)
I want you all to
celebrate the greatest holiday of them all, Palindrome Day!
Where everyone is named Bob and
everything starts the way it began…even life
is like a palindrome—
You’re born: you
wear a diaper
You’re an adult: you use the toilet
You’re old: back to the diaper
again.
Anyway, it’s getting late…gotta run. Be sure to floss daily and change your
oil
every 3,000 miles…
-jason
* SUBJECT –> Night of
the Living Anarchist
Yes, my friends, the end of the semester is nigh. For all of you
who get
out of school this week or next, I can only say this—"FUCK YOU! While
you’re working your asses off at your shitty summer jobs, I’ll be
drinking beer and partying
for an extra two weeks!" Ain’t I a sweetie?
Anyway, the toil and torment of the exam
season is taking it’s toll on
all of us–even Mike ! Check out the following report from
Mike
as he tries to make sense of the stresses of the last week of school.
And so, with
a whole bunch of both further and due….everyone’s favorite
UMass University
student….MIKE!
****************************************************************************
ToDaY! in
one of our fine Dining Halls Of Culinary Excellence ™, i took
part in a food fight, which
is the first time for me since my sophomore year
in the excellent hills of watchung, when a
favorite playing, dike hair wearing,
ugly skirt loving, ass plug using, Mrs. Gertrude Sills
proceeded to put me
in indoor suspension at lunch for a week for throwing a french fry. let
me
emphasize the first word. *A* french fry. anyways, we had this all out,
free forall
with Freddy Love. So after yoooooooooooooooospin hits F-Luv
with a grape, the moth-walking
freak turns around with a loaded egg, and
proceeds to bury it in the back of this girl who i
met for the first time
ever that day’s neck. so basically, all hell broke loose and i wound
up
under the table praying the next pecan pie didn’t land in my face. long
story short,
the praying didn’t work on my finals and it didn’t work
yesterday in Dessert Storm ][.
WELCOME all to my 4 am realm of insanity. in case you're wondering who
this is, my name
is Sammy Hagar. you know they always said to me, "it
takes one to know one" so if
thats the case you are all intrinsically
insane. icabod isben is in its interesting isothermic
inderwear. hey, for
all of you who are gonna be in the tri state area this summer, i am
officially declaring friday night, "My Basement Night," because i'm gonna
get that
old mest up ratty, fourth grade, spin the bottle, new kid
postered, Ssips packs from before
time basement cleaned up and ready to go
so come early and come often.
[ Do
Substance Now]
its the end of the freshman year so
its time to analyze who i am
and who
its my goal to be. so read on please
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
dA MaNY MiNDZ oF
Me
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
a poem.
fuck that.
a haiku.
fuck that.
a
story.
eye yam:
[bitter boy]…i’m bitter. about everything… [the email king]…i
now
dub you sir pine of the round attchmnts…[stud]…hey, baby, come to this
subway
station often…[member of nafta]…uh, uh, it’s the shit…[UMASS
student]…here’s her
picture……..aaaah…[a watchungian]…so i said
to buffy, darling, it was HILLARY’S cousin!
a-har har har…[a patient
roommate]…5 more minutes you say?…[procrastinator] …do i have
to
answer this question now?…[a MUD king]…just call me encino the
prestigitator…[tucan sam]…just follow your nose, to the rooms with POT
smokers!…[a
weezer]…what is that yellow thing, anyway? is that
binaca?…
[Random Reader
1] - What the *hell* is this clown talking about?
[Random Reader 2] - Wait, did he sneak in
there that he was a stud?
[Random Reader 1] - Yeah, ppppllllleeeeeeeeeeeezzzzz!
[Random
Reader 3] - You two obviously dont know Tony Carboney! (1)
(1) Yospin, Matthew.
_Tony’s_Last_Name_. Random House:1995.
right now, my throught hurtz so i will proceed
to tell you in ignaminious
details how ingimatically ignorantly it hurtz. first, i have this
burning
in the lower part of my throught. then on the inside it feels as though i
am
choking on a piece of rye bread, not white, because its drier and
rougher. then when i
swallow, aw, forget that, its over. when i fuckin
swallow, this field mouse runs from the
roof of my mouth to the
epiglottis and gets mutilated by stomach acids there. i think they
were
sent up to kill the mouse. well it dies. until next time.
******************************************************************************
Well,
thank you Mike! It’s gonna be hard to top that one, but hey, I’ll
give it the old
"college try". (pained laughter)
In technical news: The UMass Office of Information
Technologies has
finally decided to join the rest of the civilized world and adopt
"Pine"
and the mailer of choice. About fucking time. Next thing you know we’ll
[UMass weather news]: And the temperature today will
reach 25 degrees…
[stoned college student]: Damn! That’s cold…better wear my sweater,
dude!
[nerdy college student]: Actually, he’s referring to the Celcius scale…
[jock
frat boy]: Get me another beer…{hurl} {spew}
Unfortunately, we here at UMass are
still using a text browser for the
web…that explains my VERY LAME homepage on the web.
While you were all
checking out Mike’s erotic homepage, all I could do was take notes on how
to make homemade beer…sigh.
Has anyone noticed that I like to use
"ellipses" alot? Have you…noticed
this…at all? Some people like dashes–I hate
them…ellipses are so
much softer–not as abrupt as dashes. Some people think in
dashes…they’re usually very wired. We calm, laid back, anything goes
college students think
in ellipses, very steam of conciousness. Like you
care…
So last night I was
chain-smoking camels and pounding a few beers when it
occurred to me. Sadly, I was drunk so I
forgot what IT was. I know it
was something important. It reminds me of a time way back at
the very
awkward age of 16…(fade to 1992)
Stoner {in squeaky voice}: Did
anyone call for me, Dad?
Dad: Yeah, but I forgot to write down their name…hmmm…uh…
Stoner: Oh, no! Don’t you remember anything about them?
Dad: I definitely remember it was a
GIRL’s voice…
Stoner: AAAHHHHHH!!!! *weep* *sob* (fade to present)
Yeah, with
my luck it was probably a BARNARD girl! *sigh*
I sit here in the dark with a black light
on…the cigarette smoke makes
pretty swirling motions as it rises to the ceiling…yes, it’s
time for
more poetry! How about a haiku, in my own personal style of 4-8-4?
————–
pontious pilate
i sold my soul to the nation
Millard Fillmore
————–
without a doubt
i lost the feeling in my toes
where’s my
tonsils?
————–
you may ask me
why do we like appetizers?
Tom
Brokaw’s tongue
————–
coca-cola
the crud under your fingernails
are
you my mom?
—————
Hey! Who turned on the lights? That must mean that our visit
to poetry
corner is done…and thank my atheist diety for that! It’s like Tom
Waits
one said, "And all the doughtnuts have names like prostitues".
What the fuck is he
talking about? If you don’t know, you’re not cool,
like we poets are. Only cool people use
ellipses. If you see a non-cool
person using ellipses, contact me immediately…I’ll release
the hounds
on his sorry ass. Do you ever wonder why the filters on cigarettes are
coloured brown with tan specks? Is that so stupid people don’t smoke the
filter? Do only cool
people spell color with a "u"? I think so…
-jason & mike
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