50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, ANNOY, OR JUST PLAIN $@%^$# WITH YOUR ROOMMATE:
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while
s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
6. Become a
subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to
levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to
look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate’s personal
effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the
ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all
your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number
them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They’re more
than meets the
eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man,
"Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench
while playing Wagnerian Arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for
your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine
in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20.
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading
them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend
nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the
time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think
the
dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide
a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root
around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you
get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your
roommate’s desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in
occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then
look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of
beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of
stealing it.
36. Pray to Azazoth
or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute
and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she
is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why…."
Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep
down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate
comments,
mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the
toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a
copy of Frankie Yankovic’s "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day.
If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an
assignment for your primitive cultures
class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your
window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as
soon as you wake up.
STILL HAVING ROOMMATE PROBLEMS? TRY THESE.
51. Cry a lot.
52.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s blitzmail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails
and keep them in a baggie. Leave the
baggie near your computer and snack from it while
studying. If he/she
walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste
used kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower
your eyes and giggle
to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in
his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when they’re not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start
jumping on your bed . . . do so for a
while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling.
Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use
this
method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a
weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the
phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
61. Whenever he/she goes to shower,
drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel,
and go shower too.
62. Find out your
roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one month. After
that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle
them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like
you’re
holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that
your cat
is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security
whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the
door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear
it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare
at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say
anything, just stare.
73.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really
important but you can’t
remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a
different name. Whenever you can’t answer a
problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask
your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you
76. Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.
78. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard
the fort for
an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw
them in a pile in his/her
room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
80.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you
leave.
81.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find
them.
82.
Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately
without saying anything
and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two
minutes than call whoever it was back.
83.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above
your bed. Sing them
every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they
say Jesus or God
Damnit.
85. Burn incense.
86. Eat moths.
87. Buy Sea
Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the
next day that that one died.
Name another one after your roommate. The next
day say that it died. Keep this up until they
all die.
88. Collect Chia-Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign
language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three
bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deoderant all over your
roommate’s walls.
92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath.
Ask
if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred
dollar bill.
Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your
fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your
bed. When your roommate isn’t looking,
replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your
roommate turns around.
Drink it.
96. Don’t ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll.
Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by
99. Lick him/her while they
are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
DOES YOUR ROOMMATE STILL NOT GET THE IDEA? A FEW
MORE IDEAS…
101. Buy Lays potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the
middle
of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room.
For
every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him,
"No one can eat just
one."
102. Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
103. Lay in the middle
of the room and chant to pagan gods.
104. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your
roommate every time he/she
takes a step in the room. Put up a ‘please don’t walk on the grass’
sign.
105. Give your roommate’s clothes to the Salvation Army.
106. Pretend to shower
often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long
it takes your roommate to notice.
roommate is an
alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off
the humanoid mask the alien is
wearing.
108. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your
roommate’s
bed.
109. Set off the smoke alarm in your room and tell the fire department your
roommate was smoking.
110. Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and
your
brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the
same thing
again after leaving and coming back into the room.
111. Sleep face down under your mattress on
a bunkbed and stare at your
roommate all night through the springs.
112. Wear ammonia as
a cologne.
113. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
114. Whenever your
roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
115. Have really weird friends who have strange loud
conversations. Whenever
your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until
116. Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not
to
look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into
this world if
he/she does.
117. Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your
roommate
to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
118. Wear nothing but
tightie-whities whenever your roommate has guests.
119. Nail boards across your window. When
your roommate asks why, tell him you
know they’re all watching you.
120. Start a scab
collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk.
Tell your roommate that you know s/he
was looking for the key.
121. Leave kleenexes dipped in mayonnaise on the floor. Tell guests
that your
roommate is disgusting and show them.
122. Start a neo-christian cult. Hold
nightly candle-lit rituals in your
room with your followers.
123. Begin to accumulate a
used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your
roommate of stealing gum.
124. Throw
blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout
"animal killer".
125. Get a friend to leave a message on the phone with your roommate for you
saying the test
results came back positive. When your roommate tells you,
cough, faint, and then refuse to
discuss it.
126. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
128. Set your alarm clock for three
o’clock. Push the doze button every 5
minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time
telling your
roommate that you’ll wake up in five minutes.
129. Get your roommate’s
social security number. Call the registrar and
switch all of his/her classes. Tell your
roommate at the end of the term
that the Philosophical Environmental Anthropology exam is
supposed to be
really hard. Wish him/her luck.
130. Play Dungeons & Dragons all the
time. Tell your roommate to obey you
because you are the Dungeon Master. Attack invisible
dragons with a
cardboard sword.
131. Make a voodoo doll of your roommate. Kill it.
132. Learn the words to all your roommate’s favorite songs. Sing along.
133. Learn to play an
accordian.
134. Make a contract with the mafia to kill your roommate. This is very
annoying.
135. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and
begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
136. Put vaseline on everything. Tell your roommate
that you were just trying
to "loosen up" the room.
137. Tell your roommate on
a daily basis that he/she is projecting negative
karma.
138. Whenever your roommate gets
clothes back from the laundry, hide them.
Then wear some every day until you have removed all
the stolen clothes
from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them
139. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say
nothing but quotes for three weeks.
140. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them
to your roommate as
a peace offerring from Peter (the iguana).
141. Bring several dogs
to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever
your roommate comes in. If he complains,
tell him he is being prejudiced
on the basis of your friends’ species. Call him/her a
bigot.
142. Sign up your roommate for all the radical organizations on campus. If
they
call, tell them s/he is very interested in and in favor of their
cause.
143. Buy seven
different colored yo-yo’s. Practice with them seven hours a
day, alternating yo-yo’s on the
hour.
144. Create an animal cemetary in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your
roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
145. When your
roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronazation.
146. Become a Trekkie. Talk to
your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up
and run quickly from the room. If your roommate
asks, tell him "Dammit,
Jim, I’m just a doctor!"
147. Buy forty two-liter
bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every
time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty
one. Do so until you have
thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic
soda
tastes awful.
148. Order five anchovy pizzas for your roommate. When the deliverer
arrives,
tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and
then
your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where he/she is.
149. Put in your
contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them
from your bloody eyelids in the
morning. Put them in again that night.
Complain to your roommate that you just can’t see a
damned thing anymore.
150. Become a hippie. Wear sandals, long hair, a bandana, and a lot
of
medallions. Crunch granola. Hold a sixties revival peace festival in your
room with a
lot of other hippies. If your roommate complains, tell him to
"just chill out,
dude."
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