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M A K E ‘ E M P A Y
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Ultimate
Revenge Techniques from the Master Trickster
GEORGE HAYDUKE
Transcribed by
ZoneTripper - 1996
— CONTENTS –
Nelson Chunder
Writes a Few Words About George Hayduke
Introduction
How To Use This Book
Added
Words of Wisdom From the Author
Caution
Airlines
Animals
Answering
Machines
Anti-Abortionists
Armed Forces
Associations
Attitude
Auto
Dealers
Autos
Bad Checks
BB Machine Guns
Beds
Body Parts
Bombs
Books
Bucket Above the Door
Bumper Stickers
Campers
Candy
Charlatans
Chemicals
CIA
Communism
Computers
Condoms
Convenice
Stores
Cookouts
Corrections
Customs Service
Dead Animals
Death Pool
Dog Waste
Dogs
Dolls
Dopers
Driveways
Electric
Power
Electrical Appliances
Explosives
Feces
Financial Fun
Food
Footwear
Four Wheelers
Freaky Stuff
Furniture
Gasoline Stations
Graffiti
Grave Sites
Gross Out
Gun Dealers
Guns
Hair
Halloween
Health Notice
High School
Homes
Hood Ornaments
Hospitals
Joggers
Jukeboxes
Junk Mail
Ku Klux Klan
Landlords
Laundromats
Lights
Local Officials
Lunch-Bag Thieves
M.A.D.D
Mail
Molestation
Motion Pictures
Musical Cards
Musicians
Newspapers
No Parking Zones
One Liners
Paint
Parking
Parking Meters
Patriotism
Pet Owners
Philadelphia Parking Tickets
Pie in the
Face
Pilots
Politicians
Porno
Posters
Pricks
Public Smokers
Quotes
Radar
Radical Groups
Radio-Controlled Aircraft
Radio
Stations
Recipes
Restaurants
Salad Bars
Salespeople
Signs
Solder
Sources
Sports
Stereos
Stink Bombs
Studs
Success
Stories
Suitcases
Summer Camps
Supermarkets
Sweeties
Tar
Tattoos
Taxidermy
Teachers
Telephone Solicitors
Telephones
The Ten
Commandments of Revenge
Theaters
Tires
Toilet Tissue
Toilets
Travel
Typewriters
Underarms
Unwashed
Utilities
Veneral Disease
Wine
Women Beaters
Zippers
Zowie, The Last Word
— NELSON CHUNDER WRITES A FEW WORDS ABOUT GEORGE HAYDUKE –
My pal has been
called the meanest man in the world and a true hyena
in swine’s clothing. Modest that he is, I
know he cherishes both compliments.
George always has been an affront to the pompous twits who
rise to positions
of power in our world. For instance, when George was born, the first peek
of
his personality shown to the world was his posterior.
I’ve known him since we were
kids and I have fond memories of his
mother’s friends cowering in front of George’s BB gun. I
knew he’d be a
contemporary author when his first literary masterpiece at the Norris
Kindergarden was a four-letter word.
A few years later, George was returned from summer camp
with a
"Delivery Refused" tag on him. After he got out of school, the Army
grabbed
him and he quickly adopted two philosophies that have carried him far in his
life. First, "in confusion there is profit." And second, he totally accepted
General
George S. Patton’s belief that you don’t win wars by dying for your
country; you win wars by
making the other poor bastard die for his country.
To complete the usual occupational trivia,
let me report that George
Hayduke has earned his keep as a laborer, minister, aircraft
pilot,
photographer, store detective, newspaper reporter, gun dealer, demolition
man,
public relations consultant, and now, as a full-time tosspot and
Official Curmudgeon of the
Ambrose Bierce Institute.
One of the finest testimonials Hayduke ever received come from
the
Bishop of Estonia and Idaho, the Right Holy Curtis Bevaqua, who said of
George in a
church pronouncement, porcus ex grege diaboli "a swine from the
devil’s herd". Tears
of joyful acceptance from deep within George Washington
Hayduke, Jr., flowed after that
ringing endorsement.
I’m proud to be the friend of the meanest man in the world.
— INTRODUCTION –
"Can you see the Invisible Man’s feces?"
table at the Gamboa
Country Club in the bucolic village of Gamboa, Panama.
It was January 1985 and my companions
were Primo, El Presidente and Senor
Tomas. Thinking that perversity makes for strange
bedfellows, I repeated the
question.
"It doesn’t matter, my son," El
Presidente said, as he sat deciding
between a vigorous display of flatus and erucatition, or
perhaps, a symphony
of both. "You can not capture the wind."
We savants of
philosophy don’t have much time left for our discussions
or morality in a world gone mad. The
Soviets and Reaganistas are running
throat to throat to see who can out-lie and out-bully the
other to become
master bully of the rest of the world. I was worrying a lot about my
friends,
the little folks. These are the powerless people who are the victims of
bullies.
I liked the way Sid Bernstein, who’s been writing a column in
Advertising Age
for years, puts it,"It’s not so much what you do that counts,
but what you are willing to
let the other fellow get away with."
Aphoristically speaking, Sid is right. About 95
percent of the people
are decent. They are ordinary citizens, straights and otherwise, who do
not
deliberately lie, steal, cheat or bully. They pay their taxes, try to hold
jobs, are
kind to other people and are good at their families. It’s the 5
percent, though, who bully the
95 percent. I worry, too, because the moral
indignation of the 95 percent seems to have
atrophied in the past three or
four years.
They get picked on, cheated, bullied and
abused. And, as I’ve said,
they just take it. Where is the fighting-back sprit? Where is the
moral
indignation that cries out, "I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it
anymore!" When do the 95 percent start to dish back the crap to the 5
percent?
Remember, you get walked on all over only when you throw yourself down
in front of people!
have been in Latin
America much of the past two years involved in a variety
of activities. During that time, Mac
Chunder, a very close pal, has handled
the book-writing chores and I want to thank him for a
job well done. But for
some months now, Mac has wanted to visit his ancestral home in the
institutional
and governmental bullies at home, has hastened my return
across our southern border.
I
missed my country, my friends, my family and the little guys. It’s
time for an organized
return to some entertainment by Haydukery.
The great author Chester Himes has a story that
explains a great deal
of the Hayduking philosophy without a lot of empty words. A friend of
Mr.
Himes, a man named Phil Lomax, told him about a pistol-toting blind guy who
shot at
a man who slapped him, but, accidentally killed an innocent
bystander peacefully reading his
newspaper.
I though, damn right, sounds just like today’s news, riots in the
ghettos, war, masochistic doings in the Middle East. And then I
thought of some of our
loud-mouthed leaders urging our vulnerable
soul brothers on to getting themselves killed, and
thought further
that all unorganized violence is like a blind man with a pistol.
Don’t take that literally. In a sense it’s a metaphor. I don’t recall
ever advocating that
anyone be shot. Hell, every silver lining has its cloud,
you know. I even reject the premise
raised by some critics that my tactics
are blunt and destructive. as the scholar and social
scientist, Abraham
Maslow points out, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you will
treat
everything like a nail."
To end this rhetorical meandering, I call on two
people who probably
would not share a page in the same book… unless it is my book. Though
I
despise much of his ideology and actions, I admire these words of Robert B.
DePugh:
Our nation has reached a point of no return - a point beyond which
the American
people can no longer defend their freedom by the
traditional means of politics and public
opinion.
Finally, there is a man I wish were here to be our president today. I
refer to Thomas Jefferson, who said in his first inaugural address in 1801:
Having
banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
mankind has so long bled and
suffered, we have yet gained little if
we countenace a political intolerance as despotic, as
wicked, and
capable of as bitter and bloody persecutions… If there be any among
us who
would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican
form, let them stand undisturbed
as monuments of the safety with which
error of opinion may be tolerated, where reason is left
free to combat
it.
I thought about that beautiful sentiment from Mr. Jefferson as
I read
a final letter from a good friend in El Salvador who was born there and now
must
stay there forever. He wrote, "I do as you say, George…. do unto
others, then split
like hell."
Adios, amigo. Sometimes you get the eagle and sometimes the eagle gets
you. Maybe this book can even some odds next time. When Talleyrand wrote,
"There are two
things to which we never grow accustomed - the ravages of
time and the injustices of our
fellow men," he was probably sure that we
could attack only one of those dual assults.
That singularity is what this
book is about.
- George W. Hayduke Jr.
San Marcos,
El Salvador
January 1986
— HOW TO USE THIS BOOK –
(by W.
Wellsley Spofford, Ph. D.)
Mr. Hayduke asked me to write a foreword to his book, but I
felt that
too much pedagogical rhetoric would only cloud its definitive purpose, which
is far beyond replication of his earlier philosophies. Instead, I opted to
produce this
methodological supplement for the reader’s pragmatic
edification.
As before, Mr. Hayduke
has arranged his chapters both by subject and
method, then arranged these alphabetically. In
addition to searching chapter
headings, he suggest you search other specific areas as many of
the items
lend themselves to more than one treatment. Indeed, in his classic review of
Mr. Hayduke’s original two books, Dr. Millard Plankton, the renowed
professor of arcaneology
at Louisiana School of Divinity, notes that some
serious scholars of "Hayduking"
have compiled extensive cross-indicies of
the various combinations of our author’s
classifications of
marks/stunts/materials/ methods, et cetera. Mr. Hayduke himself suggests
her own while
using this book.
In the author’s own words, "If you have a problem with some person or
appropriate
response in solving your problems through the use of creative
revenge. Look at some other
headings, too, and you’ll get more ideas to
escalate your deserving revenge."
I can
easily concur with that. Here, then, is Mr. Hayduke’s newest
book. Please, gentle reader,
enjoy yourself.
— ADDED WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE AUTHOR –
As my former mentor, Dr. Spofford, says, you can generate, then mix’n’
match stunts in this
book, just as in the earlier books by Mac Chunder and
me. But nasty and personalized touches
that are designed especially for your
own mark make each hit more effective. Modification and
customizing are
grand ideas and I urge you to use them to match the crime and punishment.
the real thing.
There’s an old Creole belief that sums it up well, "Wesp
geye kofias na dlo, e se dlo ki
kuit li," which means something like this,
"A fish trusts the water, and yet it is
in the water that it is cooked."
GENERAL ADVICE
Throughout this book
I will make universal reference to the "mark,"
which is a street label hung on the
victim of a scam or con. In our case,
the mark is anyone who has done something unpleasant,
foul, unforgivable or
fatal to you, your family, your property or your friends. Never think of
a
mark as the victim of dirty tricks. Think of the mark as a very deserving
target of
revenge.
Before you study any of the specific sections of this book, read these
next few
vital paragraphs. They tell you how to prepare before going to
action.
1. PREPARE
A PLAN
Plan all details before you take any action at all. Don’t even ad-lib
something from this book without a plan of exactly what you’re going to do
and how. If your
campaign involves a series of actions, make a chronological
chart, then coordinate your
efforts. Make a list of possible problems. Plan
what you’ll do if you get caught - depending
upon who catches you. You must
have every option, contingency, action, reaction and evaluation
planned in
advance.
2. GATHER INTELLIGENCE.
Do what a real
intelligence operative would do and compile a file on your
mark. How detailed and thorough you
are depends upon your plans for the
mark. For a simple get-even number, you obviously need
less intelligence
than if you’re planning an involved, time-release campaign. Before you
start
spying, make a written list of all the important things you need to know
about the
target - be it a person, company or institution.
3. BUY AWAY FROM HOME.
Any supplies, materials or services you need must be purchased away from
where you live. Buy
way in advance and pay in cash. Try to be as
inconspicusous and colorless as possible. Don’t
talk unnecessary with
people. The best rule here is the spy’s favorite - a good agent will
get
lost in a crowd of one. The idea is for people not to remember you.
4. NEVER
TIP YOUR HAND.
Don’t get cocky, cute’n'clever and start dropping hints about who’s
doing
what to whom. I know that may sound stupid, but some would-be tricksters are
gabby. Of course, in some of the cases this will not apply, e.g., unselling
car customers at
the dealership, or other tricks in which the scenario
demands your personal involvement.
5. NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING.
If accused, act shocked, hurt, outraged or amused,
whichever seems most
appropriate. Deny everything, unless, again, your plan involves overt
guy out of
Watergate was Gordon Liddy; he kept his mouth shut.
6. NEVER APOLOGIZE; IT’S A SIGN OF
WEAKNESS.
Normally, harassment of a citizen is a low-priority case with the police.
the community
and with his or her political connection. If you are at war
with a corporation, utility or
institution, that’s a different ball game.
They often have private security people, sometimes
retired federal or state
investigators. By habit, these people may not play according to the
law. If
you play dirty tricks upon a governmental body be prepared to have a case
opened. But how hard it is followed depends upon a lot of factors.
Understanding all this
ahead of time is part of your intelligence planning
before you get started in action.
— CAUTION –
The schemes, tricks, scams, stunts, cons, and
scenarios presented here
are solely for information and amusement purposes only. It is not my
intent
that you use this book as a manual or trickster’s cookbook. I certainly
don’t
expect that anyone who reads this book would actually ever do any of
the things described
here.
This book is written to entertain and inform readers, not to instruct
or persuade
them to commit any illegal act. From my own mild disposition, I
could hardly tell someone else
to make any of these tactics operational.
Consider the case of mistaken vengeance that took
place in Vienna,
Austria, in 1985, when Leopold Renner though his wife was cheating on him
stuffed twenty-seven
of her live, exotic pets - one after another - into the
churning garbage disposal. Down went
screaming parakeets, hamsters, mice and
tarsiers into a gushy gruel feeding into the sewage
drains.
Fact: His wife Frieda was holding the hand of her brother, whom she
had not seen
in a dozen years, and was bringing him home to meet her
husband. True story.
Please read
this book with the reference in mind. Remember, it’s all
in good clean fun, isn’t it? That was
a rhetorical questions.
— AIRLINES –
Here’s a wonderful
variation on one of the old airline message jokes.
It came about because Geneth of Huston was
tired of flight delays and
hassles, all excused by lies about airport security. An idea formed
in
Geneth’s mind.
The primary mark was the least favorite airline. A secondary mark was
a
passenger chosen in the terminal because of some form of rude on-site or
other crude
behavior. The medium was a handwritten note done by one friend,
while the delivery system was
another friend of Geneth’s who left the
airport immediately after handling the note in a
sealed envelope to a
boarding attendant at the gate, along with this verbal request:
"See that man/woman ahead, just getting on? That’s my uncle/aunt
(husband/wife,
son/daughter,etc.) and I have a nice birthday surprise (smile
a whole lot) for him/her. Would
you please give him/her this note when you
get airborne? It’s OK if everyone wants to sing
along. Gee, (laugh), is old
(name) going to be surprised."
The note that will be
opened in-flight by an unsuspecting mark contains
one of these three messages:
1. Please
be discreet. If you have any flying experience come to the
front to the airplane; the pilot’s
dead.
2. This airplane has been hijacked and the terrorist have chosen you to
be dumped
out of the cargo hatch as a symbol. Come to the cockpit or we’ll
blow up the airplane.
3. A four-year old girl/boy has identified you as the person who
molested him/her in the
bathroom of the airport just before departure. We
are holding you for arrest until landing in
__________.
This will create some fun, and some confusion. It will work best if
neither
of the marks, primary or secondary, has a sense of humor.
If you are a frequent flier, you
will note how the human cattle called
passengers line up at the restrooms shortly after the
in-flight meal has
assaulted their systems. You might beat the line next time you’re aloft
and
put a generous coating of Elmer’s glue on both the top and bottom of the
toilet seat
while the meal is being served.
— ANIMALS –
For a lot of real and
symbolic reasons, animals have always been
great tools of revenge, going back to our fears of
our evolutionary
ancestors, I suppose. Using animals in your stunts will definitely put you
In some areas you can buy dog and cat inmates
from the pound for as
little as a buck or two apiece. Buy a bunch of these condemned prisoners
and
hold them as your guest until…..
You’ve been fire or insulted by the idiot boss of
a bar or restaurant,
or you got a lousy meal there. Maybe you hate the owner for what he or
she
did to your family. There could be a dozen reasons for what you’re about to
do.
the marked location
and get them all as far inside as possible. You may wish
to disguise yourself and your
drivers. After your herd is safely delivered,
you should depart. Bedlam is a modest word to
describe what will happen
next, especially if your furry dinner guests are really, truly
hungry.
Condition them that way before delivery, of course.
Own a live trap, one of
those Havahart numbers? Great. Catch a wild
raccoon, opossum, groundhog or feral cat in it.
Turn this animal loose in
your mark’s car or apartment. Think about the state that environment
after
half an hour attempted escape, followed by frantic trashing.
—
ANSWERING MACHINES –
Maybe it’s because he’s from Oakland and had to put up with Al
Davis
all those years, but Chester the Spoon has some advice for folks who don’t
like
answering machines. He suggest you make many, many repeated calls over
a thirty or
forty-minute period and leave either no message or rude,
untraceable ones. The idea is to
overload the machine and, perhaps, make
the mark miss an important call.
A more direct
method, which comes from Alik Allotjka, requires access
to your mark’s answering machine,
which, of course, would be easy in a
business office. But don’t forget social occasions when
you might have a
free run of his or her home. It’s a great way to pay back someone who’s
used
a telephone to abuse you in one form or another. Prerecord an answering-
machine
message of your own design in your mark’s name. Make it awful, crude
or whatever would do the
most damage. Substitute this tape for the one
already in the machine. Do it during a time
period when you know it will get
maximum play.
— ANTI-ABORTIONISTS –
The wife of one of my friends had a completely unrelated business
meeting in the
same building that housed an abortion clinic. As she tried to
enter the lobby, she was
attacked by a gaggle of right-to-life harridans.
This quiet, small lady, who was a computer
consultant going to a job with a
financial office on another floor of the large building, was
almost in
panic.
"They screamed at me, called me a murderer, pushed me. Then one of
them
spit right in my face. They were some local group from the neighborhood
Catholic
Church. I was too scared to be shocked," she recalled, almost in
tears, nearly a month
later.
Furious, her husband went to the police and was told that nothing could
be done
without independent witnesses. He was also told, off the record,
that the police chief and the
priest at the church were bosom buddies and
the police were told to lean on the clinic and
leave the pickets alone.
Frustrated, he came to me.
The statue of limitations of the
state involved make it impossible for
me to relate precisely what was done to 1) picketing
group’s leaders, 2)
that local Catholic Church, 3) its priest, and, 4) the local police
chief.
Be assure, it was appropriate and heavy duty. Maybe a volume or two from now
I
can tell you all about the repayment for their uncivilized behavior.
In any case, if you
happen to believe in a woman’s freedom to make her
own choices about her own life and body and
reject the ravings of the
harpies who think otherwise, simply pick and choose from almost any
of the
stunts in this and other revenge books, adapt it to your needs, and go from
there. I would also very much like to hear from those of you out there who
have had similar
run-ins.
— ARMED FORCES –
Is there any low life enlisted man who
has not faced the anger, if not
the rotten breath, of a hung-over sergeant with gusto but no
justice in his
soul? Allen Watkins told me about one of his friends who tired of being the
hood of the
NCO’s car and while he had CQ duty one night and packed some
tear gas into the intake manifold
of the vehicle’s air-conditioning unit.
Oh, did I mention that our hero was clearing post the
next day? Some
weeks later a friends’ letter explained the humorous news that the NCO spent
Having been an Army grunt, I have never seen an aircraft
carrier except
in films or at a great distance. My old pal, a Navy vet name Gino the Engine
I’m not sure how he knows as he was in submarines,
except for the time
he had a gaggle of Italian whores chase him through town for not paying
his
tab at the Eat’n'Hump. Anyway, Naker Phelge, another Navy man, says that
some
carriers show films or have live Bob Hope-type shows in the enclosed
hanger decks.
"Do you have any idea how much volume of water is carried in the fire
control/sprinkler
system of these ships?"
His question was more than rhetorical as I had no idea, not
even
knowing the Navy had sprinkler system. He told me it was more a deluge
system than
a sprinkler. He refused to be specific as he still has a rating
in our Imperial Emperor’s U.S.
Navy, but he says some guys with a grudge
against someone got high enough to build a strong
and very hot heat source
under the fire-control sensors on the hangar roof. They used
propane
torches. Within five minutes, the hangar was flooded. The evening’s show was
a
washout in the true sense of the word.
As a vet, I always liked Senator Joe Clark’s pungent
observation that a
leader should not get too far in front of his troops or "he might get
shot
in the ass." On the other hand, I wondered about that when I read the
graffiti
that Edward Gein had written in the main restroom of the Bates
Motel: "The alternative to
getting old is depressing."
— ASSOCIATIONS –
Deciding who is
the worst among current totalitarian leaders is like
deciding from which bucket of buzzard
puke to drink. For starters, here is
some help with an easier chose - making life bad for some
true jerks. The
best part is that you can use people’s natural inclination to "join"
as your
ally.
It happens. Some group like Gay Awareness, or Coal Companies to
Desecrate America, or Veterans to Invade the Pentagon does something
heinous to you.
Compounding this latest affront is your mark - a neighbor,
boss, coworker or some other fool -
whom you have placed on the
association’s roaster without his or her knowledge. If you like
the ideas
that follow, thank Bartholomew McHilicudy.
"Advertise your mark’s home or
apartment as the meeting place for the
nasty group," advises Bart. "Use different
media to advertise - public
service spots on local radio and TV, newspaper mentions, ads,
notices in
stores. Hit all the local outlets. Tell people in bars and grocery stores."
the local department
store or entire mall complex and sneak in an
announcement or two. Keep’em brief, like ten
seconds, and then split as soon
as you’re off the air.
At the suggestion of Don Lecely,
here are some dummy organizations you
can sponsor:
- Herpes Without Partners
-
AIDS Where It Hurts
- Gay Rights Sleep-in
- Proud to Be Pederast Parents
-
Chlamydia Victims Cookout
- Immoral Mothers of __________ County
—
ATTITUDE –
While I was working as an agricultural consultant in Latin America
recently, I found a wonderful story that would make Norman Vincent Peale’s
well-springs of
humanity overflow. The lady in this story has the best
possible attitude for coping with being
either Hayduker or Haydukee.
This American tourist Yuppie lady awoke in her Cancun condo
way
beyond her normal 7 a.m. Nautilus time and was feeling very fierce. She
groaned a
few times, whined about drinking too much wine cooler, then
realized that there was something
wrong with her hair.
She stuck her fashionably thin hand up there, felt around and found a
recall the latter
part of the evening, she thought and thought.
Giving up with a pained look of resignation, she
whines, "Well, either
I got married again last night or I was puked on by a
Chinaman."
— AUTO DEALERS –
The Skull really does have a
sense of fair humor when he deals with
these purveyors of generally putrid products. As
before, he had another run-
in with a car dealer who screwed him on a badly misrepresented
vehicle.
After the usual honest and open attempts to right this wrong, Skull thought
of
other ways.
He set up a lemon stand in a public area outside the dealership after
taking
out the necessary "street-merchant" license to peddle the fruit. It
cost five
dollars. He made a large sign that read: WHY PAY THOUSANDS FOR A
LEMON ACROSS THE STREET? In
smaller type, it read: I’LL GIVE YOU A FREE
LEMON.
And, Skull did.. passing out dozens
of lemons to bemused would-be
customers of the dealer. Some tossed their lemons at the
salesmen
standing outside the dealership trying to wish away Skull’s legal form of
Haydukery.
"After an hour and a half nobody had gone into the dealership"
reports Skull. "The service manager came over and tried to provoke a fight.
A friend of
mine, who had been preprimated, called the police and the local
TV stations. We got a lot more
coverage than I even planned."
Skull says that the very same evening the dealership’s
manager got in
touch with him and agreed to make right the previous screwing-over our hero
— AUTOS –
You remember Alex Foley,
the Detroit cop, who suggested good ideas for
bad guys? Here’s a sample of his fun for their
rides: a banana in the tail
pipe has the same effect as the Hauduke potato but it’s a lot less
dangerous
for the person standing behind the car.
I can’t vouch for this, but if old
Shadow says it works, it does. he
has been around. But, let’s say your mark has a car you
don’t like either.
According to Shadow, you can take a Spaulding Ping Pong ball - he says
it
has to be a Spaulding because of the chemical makeup - fill it with liquid
drain
cleaner, using a hypodermic needle, then wrap black electrical tape
all around.
"Drop that sucker in the vehicle’s gas tank and it will stand that car
on its nose,"
says Shadow. "You can experiment with the amount of tape you
use according to how much
time you need to get away.. the more tape there
is, the longer it takes for the gas to eat
through."
Next is a hotshot in the dark from Shadow. Use some crazy-type glue to
adhere a shotgun shell to a hot part of your mark’s auto or bike engine. As
a humanitarian,
Shadow suggest that (1) you don’t work on an engine part
that is hot, and (2) it would be nice
to remove the shot load from the shell
first, but leave the wadding in place.
Shep from
Denver has a dilly way to get even with a car tinkerer who’s
done him some dirt. Shep says,
"Just put a half dozen of those baby dills in
his gas-tank outlet. When that engine kicks
over and runs, the fuel pump
will suck those little dills right up into the gas line."
City, he retailed by
pulling his stunt on more than a few of the vehicles in
the police department’s official
automobile pool. Expensive mechanical chaos
was their repayment bill for his unjustified
bust.
It was good to hear from the Yakima Rt. 1 Auto Flush and his wife as
they share
some fun for your mark’s auto. First, they suggest removing a
couple spark plugs, dropping a
few small ball bearings into the cylinders,
and the replacing the plugs. The results are
expensive to repair, in the
neighborhood of $400 to $500 for labor alone.
Their next
idea will work wonderfully if the mark bought his or her car
from an out-of-town dealer. When
the mark is at work and the car is parked
in a non-patrolled zone, call a tow service and
explain there are problems
with "your" car. You must be "Mr. Mark/Owner"
during this call, ofcourse.
Have the car towed to the local dealership - hopefully on a
Friday
afternoon - and tell them you’re going away for the weekend and will get
back to
them Monday or Tuesday. As most dealers are slow, this vehicle could
sit for a week before
someone - the real owner and the police - start to get
seriously worried about it.
Does
your mark have a vehicle with an automatic transmission? Most do
these days, as many marks are
real wimps - prime market for the
autoshifters. Our Yakima mechanic says the solution is
simple: pour a quart
of battery acid in the transmission fluid. Soon, no transmission.
Several mechanics from the Pinkeln Auto Repair School suggested that
you have a friendly
mechanic reverse the sensor between the gas gauge and
the gas tank of your mark’s car. This
will be a lot of fun for you mark some
dark, stormy night miles from nowhere.
Mark
Hastings lives in a neighborhood full of stuffed shirts and
materialistic, bragging Yuppies.
He finally had some fun with the vehicle of
one from this breed of jerks. The air pressure in
the new metric radial
tires is fairly critical. Mark adjusted the air pressure in the mark’s
car
tire over a two-week period and had the snobbish Yuppie running the soles
off his
Nikes in frustration.
"I increased pressure in the right front to sixty pounds one night.
Two
nights later, I decreased the one to twenty pounds and increased the left
front to
sixty," Mark says.
Mark was able to learn when this Yuppie was taking his car into the
he
normalized the pressure.
"The dumb jerk spent about $200 on new parts and repair time,
plus the
dealer’s mechanics just kept putting new things on his car. It was great fun
hassling this fool," relates Mark.
We need more folk like Jennifer Marshall. Her mind is
magnificently
malevolent. But, alas, she’s on her own out there doing rotten things to
evil people as just another avenging angel.
Here is her latest. There are gasoline additives
that rid a car’s
engine of excess moisture. That is, unless you use three bottles on your
not only
belief, but also beyond workable stress. Hello, big repair bills.
And, from the fun world of
doing radio talk shows, I learned from
Denver Don that you can sour an auto battery into
inaction by filling it
with vinegar. Also, if you fill an auto’s gas tank with aircraft fuel,
it
will not be a happy experience for the vehicle, its owner, or the folks
standing
nearby when the owner tries to start’er up.
Can you believe that some guy by name of Dic
Smegma, who claims the
title of international revenge master, thinks that the stunts Nelson
Chunder
and I report to you are tame? Perhaps, though, Dick’s right. For example, he
suggests pouring crystallized drain cleaner into the gas tank of your mark’s
car.
"Want a demonstration?" Dick asks rhetorically. "Try one grain of the
stuff in
a teaspoon of gasoline before you move to anything operational."
I did. It creates quite
a reaction. This is an unsafe trick without
grand planning. Use a slow deliver system with
insulation or learn to run
faster than an explosion you don’t want to be caught in.
Dick’s stuff is fairly explicit, so you’ll be reading a great deal more
about him as you
peruse this book.
Remember "Send a Boy to Camp" Let’s buy a car for you mark, or,
at
least in your mark’s name. It may cost you $25 holding money or maybe a few
buck
more. But, you can do it. Fill out all the forms and if you’ve played
the salesperson just
right and he or she is hungry, you will get away with
it. Money speaks louder than ID.
Obviously, you must know your mark’s name
address and all that so you can fill in the binding
legal forms. Pay cash
for your small down payment, the leave. Or, see if the salesperson will
let
you drive the car to the bank to get loan money. You promise to drive right
back.
Park the car somewhere irregular and leave town with a friend. This
probably works best with a
used car and a hungry dealer. The legal hassle
for the mark remains the same.
You’ve been had by a friend who likes to fly bad checks. Moral
things. It’s
time to kick-start the tongues of the local gossip brigade. The
Baffling Radiologist suggests
that you post all of your "friend’s" bad debts
and credit risks on public location
bulletin boards, especially at
neighborhood groceries, supermarkets and malls. You can also
post the
culprint’s name on the lists of bad-check writers that a lot of business
carry
on their registers and checkout counters in full view to the public.
— BODY
PARTS –
I’m not sure if Ray came up with this one or not. We were all fairly
drunk down in Cabo San Lucas when the idea came up. Anyway, if your mark has
a morbid fear of
death and pieces of dead things, and most marks do or they
wouldn’t qualify as marks, as you
might beg, borrow or steal human body
parts from the nearest physiology or anatomy laboratory.
Send these to your
mark You can customize or personalize this in any way you wish. Whbat
the
hell, it’s a step up the evolutionary ladder from roadkill.
— BOMB
–
It’s not especially enlightening, but you could set off a road flare
or a
smoke bomb in your mark’s home. The flares are easier to deal with than
smoke bombs, now sold
openly to aid folks lost in big forests, which cause
more hassle. Can you imagine your mark
coping with 50,000 cubic feet of
white, blue or red smoke billowing around his or her
domicle?
Because of cost factors, the Provos in Ulster switched rom
conventional
explosives to chemical bomb a few years ago. Components or
these beasties are easily available
in rural and farming areas where
agricultural supply stores abound. In simple form, sugar
added to sodium
chlorate or sodium nitrate, along with nitrobenzene or diesel fuel as a
catalyst, makes a generic chemical bomb. Of course, these substances
together are as highly
unstable as those who use them in Ireland.
Anyway, there are many books available telling you
how to convert
handy backyard garden products into enough explosives to demolish your
mark’s chicken coop, outhouse or stash. Personally - well, no, I promised I
wouldn’t moralize
in this volume.
According to a fan who tells me he is a former state legislator from
New
England, one o the finer bombs ready for funny use is a television
picture tube from one of
the older, ten years or more, abandoned sets. They
blow up loudly.
"If your mark
has wronged you with his car, place one of these tubes
under his car frame where you know
movement will crush it. When the mark
moves the car, the tube will explode with a hell of a
blast and send glass
flying every which way. It might even cut some hoses on the car,"
our fan
exclaims with glee.
My God, an honest, used politican with some sense, including
one of
humor. No wonder he’s an ex.
— BOOKS –
Our same
reformed politican from New Hampshire wishes to share some
literary fun. If you have any marks
who can read, provide them with free
bookmarks. Our contributor suggests very thin slices of
cheese or cold cuts
(salami is great) between the pages. This will work well for the mark
who
has shelves of unread books just for the ego-image they afford him.
In addition to
their use as weapons themselves, books contain lots of
ammunition to be fired at your marks.
What follows is a collection of books
with themes, ideas and thoughts to help the neophyte
Hayduker. These books
are especially good friends:
* Hoffman, E.J. Nitration of
Toluene. Bradley, IL: Lindsay
Publications, 1984.
Want to make your own TNT? This
reprint of a turn-of-the-century manual
from the U.S. Bureau of Mines gives you a step-by-step
cookbook to adding
nitric acid to toluene.
* Horvitz, Simeon L. Legal Protection
for Today’s Consumer. Dubuque, IA:
Kendall Hunt, 1981.
A grand workbook, and
inspiration tome for folks interested in effectively
using consumer protection legislation and
available myriad legal emedies.
* Kneitel, Tom. Top Secret Registry of U.S. Government
Radio Frequencies.
Commack, N.Y: CRB Research, 1985.
* Peterson, Bozo and
Hendrick, J.G.The Roadkill Cookery Book. Phoenix:
Hillard-Townsend Frist Mate Press, 1985.
* Tayacan (pseudo). Psychological Operations in Guerrilla Warfare.
Washington:
Central Intelligence Agency, 1984.
Despite being the Company’s famed assassination
how-to boo-boo of the
’80s, this nifty number has some other mind-fornicating tricks in it
that
can be adapted by a creative Hayduker. See your tax dollars at work for
you.
* Thomas, Ralph D. Physical Surveillance Manual. Boulder: Paladin Press,
1984.
This is an excellent handbook by a very professional private investigator.
He gives
detailed instructions on gathering a lot of information on any
subject, aka, your mark.
* Weingard, George. Pyrotechnics. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
Making your own fireworks for use against your enemies can be fun and
probably safer than
trying to smuggle them. This is a reprint of a rare
1947 "how-to" book that tells
and shows you how to make all sorts of fun
things.
* Worthen, K.J. Preserving the
Dead: The Art and Science of Embalming.
Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
This is a reprint of a fairly grotesque and tacky book. The content aside,
I can see some
delightful uses for the art and science described herein.
It might also make a thoughtful gift
for someone you hate.
— BUCKET ABOVE THE DOOR –
Who else but Dick
Smegma would have the intestinal fortitude to update
this hoary old cliche Dick suggest
filling the old water bucket with
something more modern than water. His list includes liquid
skunk smell,
hydrochoric acid, horse urine or urined-down excrement. Dick says placement
is crucial. I add that disguising the smell, unless you’re dealing with a
drunk, allergy or
head-cold victim, is also vital.
— BUMPER STICKERS –
My buddy,
the Hombre for Justice, firit wrote me a sad letter telling
me how he was an unaggressive sort
of guy who was always being picked upon
and bullied, and how he hated himself. He read a
couple of my books, plus
suffered more nastiness by uncaring institutions and people who get
back at
his tormentors. It is an inspirational story that brings lumps to my eyes
and
tears to my throat.
Hombre likes to use bumper stickers and gets his printed salvation from
partial
inventory of the bumper stickers that Hombre uses on his mark’s
cars, buildings, offices,
homes, etc.
- SCREW LAZY AMERICANS, DRIVE A FOREIGN CAR
- GOD SUCKS
- GOD
SUCKS AND GIVES CHANGE
- I [HEARTH SIGN] COMMUNISM
- HAVE YOU HIT YOUR KID TODAY?
- (TEAM NAME) FANS ARE PUSSIES
- BIKERS ON HARLEYS ARE QUEER
- I’M MARRIED TOO, LET’S
SCREW
- FOR FREE SEX CALL (INCLUDE MARK’S NUMBER)
- HONK IF YOU WANT HEAD
Dick Smegma is a professional nasty man. Check out the big league style
he has for the use of
bumper stickers. First, Dick says they should never be
placed on a mark’s bumper. "Always
place them on the trunk lids and smooth
them down tight. Use the ’super-stick’ kind that
remove the paint when they
come off."
Finally, thanks to Shadow for a couple more
sticker ideas:
- I’M PROUD TO HAVE HERPES
- AID ME TO GET MORE AIDS
- I
[HEARTH SIGN] AIDS
- HERPES/AIDS, PASS IT ON
— CAMPERS –
Does it boil your temper over into the red area on a hot summer’s day
when some camper stays
in the communal comfort station (aka public crapper)
for twenty or thirty minutes reading the
newspaper? A fan by the name of
Wolfgang Creutzfeldt is only kidding around, of course, with
his solution to
this irritating face flusher.
"Get a tin can and fill it half full
of Koolaid - the drink for kids.
Then, set it inside the outside door of the crapper. Take a
red-hot coal
from a nearby camp fire and drop it into the Koolaid. Instant smoke! Lots of
with the
Koolaid. I’ve tried hot chili sauce with screaming success. It
makes a lot of truly obnoxious
smoke."
— CANDY –
My fellow author, Barney Vincelette,
edited this saggy dog tale into a
short, sweet stunt. Barney says to get some blood-inflated
ticks and
chocolate-coat candy them. Let them ripen a week. Serve them to your mark.
They burst in the mark’s mouth, not in your hand.
Bothersome Burt is happy to be a rotten egg
during the Easter holiday
season as he points out that candy eggs make a nice mark target. He
says to
slice off the top of the candy egg, leaving it still encased in the foil.
Remove
the sweet contents of the candy egg and replace with any sort of vile
concoction. Burt says
not to use liquids, though, as they leak. The
imagination almost goes into overload, however,
thinking of all the
disgusting solids and mushy things you can plant in there before you
close
it back up and gently melt the chocolate seam together again. Then squeeze
the
foil shut and serve.
— CHARLATANS –
Now, for some comedic relief,
brought to you by Lil Eddie Meese.
Remember our "Nobody’s hungry, cold in poverty, or
hurting in the USA,"
attorney general? Remember him? Here’s a fun little game you can
play with
other fascist friends.
1. Print Ronald Reagan’s full name (all three
of’em) on a paper.
2. Count the number of letters in each name.
3. Place the number
above the respective name.
4. Write all three numbers together, side by side.
5. Mail
the completed paper to Jerry Falwell.
This one makes them froth at the mouth every
time.
— CHEMICALS –
Here’s something from my politican friend
from New Hampshire. He says
that hydrogen sulfide (H2S) is the gas that gives rotten eggs
their
wonderful odor. High school chemistry classes use this gas for research. You
can
obtain small, openended glass vials of a compound that when heated
produces volumes of H2S.
While these vials are supposed to be in chemistry
experiments, you could use them to
experiment on your mark’s automobile
manifold, wood stove, radiator or some other spot in
which heat is
generated. Get the vials from a chemical supply shop.
The ingredients in
crystallized drain cleaner are very versatile
(See "Auto" section). You can also
toss an open can of this product in the
mark’s swimming pool - if it contains water. Dumping a
canful into a washer
during the final rinse is spectacular, too.
Remember our old friend
ipecac from my first book? It can also be
self-administrated if you want to make a mark’s
restaurant, for example,
very nervous about your illness. Here’s how it works. Eat a colorful
portion
of your meal. Go into the restroom and swallow the contents of a very small
container (one ounce or less) of a vomit-inducer that contains ipecac. Cut
the plastic bottle
up into pieces and flush them down the commode. Flush
twice more to be sure. Go back out and
resume your meal. In about ten
minutes you will be wracked by projectile vomiting. Be creative
and use all
your acting ability here to get maximum splatter and mass audience effect.
According to a pamplet distributed by the International Brotherhood of
Barfing Engineers, a
good way to do this is "to move erratically and quickly
among the other diners as you
appear to be headed toward the bathroom. Your
real objective, of course, is to strafe as many
people as possible with your
vomitus."
This is a grand way to mess up someone’s
home or get back at a
restaurant or other mark that made you literally ill in one form or
the
another. Advice: Try a dry run (no pun) first so you see how you can handle
this
self-administered ipecac attack. Normally, the real thing is over in
about five minutes and
you’ll have no aftereffects. Now, let’s move on from
puking to planting, or rather,
unplanting.
Even though your local K-Mart sells OK weed-killers and other
commercial
herbicides, you can get even better and more efficient vegetation
wasters at farm supply
stores. A fine gentleman known as the King of
Lexington offers the advice that many splendid
plant-killer chemicals are
available there. Being an old farm boy, he’d know.
"An
example of an easily available and safe herbicide is Monsanto’s
Round-Up which can be aerially
applied to a mark’s lawn or garden by water
balloon, or you can use a sprayer to write nasty
words or whole messages if
you have the space," our monarch notes.
Meanwhile,
moving to the fabric section, it’s nice to learn that
methyl violet will permanently stain
clothing. A little of it in any laundry
soap will go a long way in ruining your mark’s
wardrobe. According to Tanya
of Long Beach, a box of Rit or Tintex dye will also. This is a
grand idea
for apartment laundry rooms where your mark is regular.
— CIA
–
As old Papa Doc from Haiti used to say before being bumped and dumped
by the
CIA, "Only the knife knows what’s in the heart of the yam."
Obviously, our
government does have a sense of humor. How else can you
explain the operations of the Central
Intelligence Agency?
A good friend of mine is a reporter for National News Service and he
that
secret CIA assassination manual (see "Books"). Yup, this was long
before the
Washington Press Corp discovered it and thus made it real.
Anyway, if you think the CIA
doesn’t have a sense of humor, you should
see the early issue of "CIA Comix," their
infamous illustrated manual for
mayhem and murder that was given to Contra terrorist down
there to show them
how to do illegal things to the legally elected government of Nicaragua.
the Contras so I was
able to read this comic book that you and I overpaid
some CIA consultant to plagiarize, write,
illustrate, print and distribute.
It contains a lot of interesting stunts that you could adopt
for your own
use. For starters, report late for work, then slough off the rest of the
day. Clog toilets in your office and other buildings. Leave water running.
Damage expencive
office equipment. Make false airline and hotel
reservations. Call in false fire and police
alarms. Cut telephone lines.
Spray-paint anti-government slogans. Waste public officials. On
the last
one, the CIA insisted it did not mean to murder them. Bull. Most public
officials are a waste anyway so what’s it matter, as one of my old CIA chums
once said.
Order your copy now. Write the publisher, the CIA, and be the first kid
on your block to
topple someone’s infrastructure, or to start an
insurrection. If the CIA is out of copies,
check with some of the commercial
publishers who did rip-off versions.
—
COMMUNISM –
With the second coming of the Reaganistas, the old bogey word
"communism" has been dug up again to scare anyone who doesn’t march along
with the
other mindless cattle in Cowboy Ronny’s herd of unthinking
Americans. That’s why Chris
Schaefer has a grand idea to take advantage of
this unnatural, national paranoia.
Get a
copy of official letterhead from the USSR, Cube or some of the
Sovjet’s Middle East satellite
countries. That’s easy enough, just write to
their government with some inane question that
needs only a routine reply.
Take their letterhead logo either to your printer or to a copy
machine to
make new, blank letterhead. Now, type some sort of cryptic, code-appearing
message on it … like "The red fish sails" or "Bach comes alive in thirty
days," or some silliness like that. Mail this letter to your mark who works
for a large
defense contractor or one of the sensitive government agencies.
Hope that the secretary will
open the mail first - this is usually
the case. With luck she will show it to the mark’s
superior or to security
people.
— COMPUTERS –
Eons ago, it
seems, I told you about the advent of X-rated computer
games. Now, Bothersome Burt refines
this trend. He knew a guy in school who
used to cheat on computer assignments by using other
people’s programs. Burt
decided to share, too.
"Make a copy of one of those ‘dirty
old men’ X-rated game disks, making
sure it has really obscene graphics. Label it with the
mark’s name and the
identification of some popular program, then put it in the school’s
computer
room library. Red faces in the sunset," Burt says with a chortle.
— CONDOMS –
If you’re a spouse of a mark who is always unfaithful, here’s
an
idea. Send him or her a condom filled with mayonnaise and include this note:
"You forgot this souvenir last night." Even if you’re the other party
involved, you
can do the same thing.
— CONVENIENCE STORES –
There has been a
disturbing trend across the U.S. where local
right-think Bible thumpers are blackmailing
convenience store management
into banning harmless magazines from their shelves. For instance,
in the
East, the Sheetz chain of quickie stops banned such horrible publications as
Playboy because a group of religious loonies threatened to boycott them. In
other parts of the
country, 7/11 stores fell to the same pressure from these
mindless slimeballs.
Enough
idiotorializing (editorials about idiots), let’s do
something. For that, I call on our dynamic
duo, Filthy McNasty and his fine
friends Vera, for help. Here’s their plan.
Locate the
most disgusting pictures you can find. Use your
imagination to locate something that will
disgust everyone, even farm
animals. Reproduce this photograph on the type of advertising
flyer that
stores put under windshield wipers of cars parked in large shopping malls.
Along with the photo, put some advertising slogans like "You can’t beat our
meat,"
or "Get your rocks off here," or, "If you think this looks like fun,
ask our
clerk about the daily special." Then, include in large type the name
of the store you
want to Hayduke.
Don’t feel sorry for the store. These gutless wimps surrendered to
our
enemy in the battle for freedom. Freedom of our minds is far too
valuable to surrender to some
evil bluenose wearing his hypocritical
God-squad mask.
— COOKOUTS –
As noted earlier, Mark Hastings is a prisoner of Yuppieland.
Happily, he has
discovered another way of doing guerrilla warfare against
his captivites.
"I found
that soaking charcoal briquettes in transmission fluid and
then replacing them in Mr. Yuppie’s
bag is spectacular fun. He soaks them in
lighter fluid and lights them up. You would not
believe the smoke. All the
Yuppies wimp off inside to get away from that horrible lung
pollution."
— CORRECTIONS –
A number of loyalists wrote to
correct M. Chunder’s error in Mad as
Hell over hookahs and bongs. We both apologize, although
I don’t know why I
am, as it was his stupid error, not mine. Anyway, neither of us are
dopers.
In fact, he thought hookahs were New Englands prostitutes and I thought a
bong
was something from the start of a J. Arthur Rank Organization film.
Sigh.
We stand
corrected now, so stop sending us all the free samples.
What will we do with them all?
— CUSTOMS SERVICE –
If your mark has been or will travel out of the
country, you might
want to help make a memorable return home by filling out a U.S. customs
airports. After
being creatively completed, it can be left in an airport,
smuggled into a custom area or given
to airport security. It would all
depend how and upon whom you chose to use it.
— DEAD ANIMALS –
Thanks and a tip of the Hayduke halo to Tim W. Newton for
this
charming use for previously live animals. Tim used to use full-size roadkill
for
Haydukery, then he got into the idea of nerve terror after reading M.
Chunder’s last book.
attention to him or
her," Tim says with a glee. "What I do is get very small
dead animals and birds,
like chipmunks, baby bunnies, or sparrows. I nail
them to a cross or board. Sometimes I paint
funny designs on them or on the
board. I always try to include a photo of the mark and/or his
family which
I’ve taken with a long telephoto lens."
That, I imagine, could just
shake the effluvia out of anyone.
You remember Carla Savage. She says that roadkill and other
dead
animals are like cops, they’re never around when you need one. But, since
moving to
California, she has found a remedy to this shortage of dead
animals.
"Being in the
horse business, I know a lot of people with big old
barns. Big old barns have rats. They also
have rat traps, poison and
ill-paid illegals from Mexico to dispose of the rodents."
twenty-five cents per
rat, more if the rat is really big and gross," Carla
writes. "When I told them what
I planned to do, they were thrilled at my
getting back at some rich creep, so they began to
volunteer things for my
collection of putrescent carcasses-dead lizards, jack rabbits, snakes,
and
something so large and foul that even Chief Medical Examiner Quincy couldn’t
identify it."
Carla’s little zoo soon began to appear in the swimming pool, tennis
court and, eventually, the water well of her neighbor, a man who had given
her and her own
live animals mega-reasons for revenge.
— DEATH POOL –
The credit
for this fine bit of American ingenuity goes to Barb, Ray
and Tim. With some modification you
can make it work on your mark. You send
a memo or call your mark on the telephone. Ask if
he/she wants in on "The
Death Pool." Explain that the player coming the closest to
the actual death
date of the subject in the next six months wins the pool. When asked the
you."
As a visual aide, you might create a Death Pool calendar with the
choices
listed. Display it in a high-traffic location in the office, dorm,
barracks or whatever.
— DIPLOMAS –
You know the insecure, sissy kids who sort of grew up to
be wimps
today? These are the folks who hide their lack of talent, skills, security,
balls, brains, beauty, common sense, humanism, humorlessness, etc., behind
job title, degrees,
rank, position or marriage. One of their telltale spoor
is the glass-framed credential,
usually in the office or open-to-guests area
of the home.
Chester the Spoon says,
"Use permanent markers to make big slashes
across their credential security
shields."
— DOG WASTE –
Bill Overton of Granite City, IL,
was not fond of his neighbor’s
canies because of their annoying habit of loud, long nighttime
conversations
back and forth, plus their dumping of softball-sized piles of excrement on
his lawn. Bill decided to act.
Concerned that this behavior was caused by improper diet,
Bill
soaked some small sponges in bacon grease, a culinary delight favored by the
fair,
four-legged street dweller os Granite City. He dispensed these doggie
hors d’oeuvres, and the
doggies loved them. Unhappy, their digestive systems
did not, and they were unable to pass
feces or the sponges onto Mr.
Overton’s lawn. How sad. They became bloated with flatus and
other
complications.
Happily, a veterinarian was able to save the dogs from their own
to move away
before Bill Overton found a way to feed him, too.
— DOGS –
My
friend Carla is obviously a lover of life and of animals. She has
a great idea for people -
short of just killing them - who like to harm
animals. Carla points out that there are few
laws against abuse of animals
that don’t involve official witnesses, officers and all that.
But, you can
use what laws there are. Carla says that in most states you can legally
seize (gently, please) any dog that sets paw on your property. Call the
local animal control
folks to come and take the dog to the pound. It takes
the owner between twenty and fifty
dollars to bail out the dog when you
press the trespass charges.
Another tip Carla
passes along when you decide to declare an
obnoxious dog MIA is to "lose" its
rabies-shot tag. This will add some extra
bucks to the bailout. Carla says most pounds don’t
have the time or
inclination to identify individual animals, thus forcing the owner to
personally drive in to look over the catch of the day.
Be careful when planning this stunt
that you take into consideration
the owner who might not care enough to buy back the dog, and
what happens to
the animal if nobody claims it.
I forgot to tell Carla that in their own
world, dogs have a pound
where they tow stray humans. Sometimes they perform medical
experiments on
them, in humane fashion, of course. In any case, beware of any animal
hospital whose staff vet is a named Mengele.
— DOLLS –
You know
those soft-sculptured, adoptable dolls that are the current
rage? Take advantage of the fact
that some alleged people, including
chronological adults, are more attached to these ugly con
jobs that to other
humans or live, traditional pets.
It gets the old mind to tinkering
away in its evil closet.
Here, directly from the mind of Reinhard Wunken, are some suggestion
if
your mark holds dear a cabbage-head kid:
- Assassinate the thing, using a
highly graphic form of attack, e.g.
decapitation, dismemberment, crusifixion, etc.
-
Have it sexually assaulted by the neighbor’s dog, or, if the actual act is
impossible to
create, a composite photo would be the next best thing.
- put on a one-scene act from
"Joan of Arc" with the kid in the title role.
- Send the kid to summer camp, in
Lebanon.
— DOPERS –
The word "dopers" attracts
attention. The beauty of this stunt is that
it will work well against any jerk or jerkess that
you’d like to see in
trouble with his parents, boss or other authority figure. It’s simple,
too.
You call the mark’s home or work telephone number in hopes the authority
figure
answers. A bit of a research could narrow that to actually happening.
Here’s a sample of what
to say.
"Hello. Is (mark’s full name) there?"
Authority figure
answers negatively and request a message. If
not, you ask if you can leave a brief message.
"The message is that I paid for my dope and that little creep
better deliver it
or I’m gonna have some street people [ or
bikers ] rip his/her face off. You got that [ bitch,
lady, punk
or whatever name you with to use ] ? I get my dope by tomorrow
or that little
AIDS bait [ relationship ] of yours is deat
meat."
It is likely this rather
one-sided conversation will create some
interesting additional conversation when the gist of
the call is explained
to the mark, proving once again that a milligram of prevention is worth
a
kilo of cure. In one way or another we have Sid, Chris and UCM to thank for
this
one.
— DRIVEWAYS –
Here’s another blast from the brain of the
Skull. He saves old, dirty
motor oil instead of recycling it through the oil companies as an
obedient
citizen should. He waits for some dark, rainy night, then spreads five or
six
gallons of this murky mess on the driveway of his hated mark. It works
better if the driveway
is slightly sloped, as most are. If Skull ever sells
the movie rights to this thing, we should
call it Tarmac the Barbarian.
— ELECTRIC POWER –
Somebody you
know running a power trip on you, flexing the ego-bully
muscles of a new job, promotion or
whatever? Black out his ambition by
switching his or her home fuse box or circuit breaker box
in the the "power
off" mode. Then, padlock or spot-weld the box shut. Bleme the
Nazis, the
KKK, the Democrats or some other cult by leaving a crude note.
– ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES –
Many Haydukery fans suggested this one so it really isn’t
new. But
maybe you’d forgotten it, so pay attention now. You are all aware of the
removable power-cord block at the back of many TV sets, small ovens and
other appliances. It’s
called the "interlock."
Select your mark’s appliance that you wish to sabotage and
unplug the
interlock. Using clear nail polish, cover the male pins thoroughly with a
good, heavy coating. Let dry. Replace the interlock. The appliance will not
operate.
The
fun really cuts loose, of course, when the frustrated mark finally
takes the inoperable
appliance to a service center. Big, big repair bills as
well as frustration for the repair
person, as most don’t spot the trickery.
— EXPLOSIVES –
Another
booming expert comes along with a formula to rattle windows.
St. Petersburg’s Captain Video
says to poke a small fuse hole in a Ping Pong
ball with an ice pick. The slice the ball almost
completely open, but not
totally, at its circumference, using a razor blade. Load the ball
with any
of the mixtures of explosive we’ve used in past books. Captain Video says to
use a portion of mixed with three-quarters of a cup of superfine German
black aluminum powder.
Put some six to nine inches of fuse in the hole and
seal the ball with nail polish. Captain
Video says this will give you "a
cherry bomb unlike any you have ever used."
— FECES –
According to the Hombre of Justice, human feces mix well with
chocolate
or coffee ice cream and because of the freezing involved, the odor is
eliminated. This stunt gives new meaning to the order, eat shit!
Animal feces has application
beyond agricultural manure. Our faithful
fan, Babs Barfly, lives near a bunch of pigeons and
always scarfs up a fresh
supply of their gooey white droppings an stores it, later to be
substituted
for cracker spread or dip in the mark’s kitchen.
"Rabbit pellet cookies
are an excellent substitute for chocolate chips
… gets the mark away from all those harmful
sweets," she adds.
— FINANCIAL FUN –
The Shadow knows, even
if he’s from Chicago. Let’s say your mark is a
heavy gambler and owes money. You get some
nasty-voiced goon to call (choose
one or more) the mark’s best friend, employer, spouse,
parents, parole
officer, etc, and say something like:
"Your [friend, spouse
or whatever] owes ['Loanshark Eddie' or some
other name with real Mob clout in the ares] two
grand. He says you’ll take
care of it today personally. So, Crazy Larry and Knuclebuster Spike
are
gonna be there in two hours to collect the money offa you. Need I say more?
Good
bye!"
It take little imagination to imagine the results of that telephone
call.
— FOOD –
Consulting the menu from Aunt Nancy’s Kitchen, we
discover that you can
burn your mark if you insert some fun into his or her personal,
homemade
assembly line of cake and cookies. The major idea is to ice the bakes goods
with something yucky. What comes to mind is bacon grease icing. Try it on
your mark’s cookies
and cakes. Some food coloring should hide the smell.
Would you like to freak out some real rat
who has mistreated you to
horrible dinners and other meals? Invite him or her to your place,
or,
better yet, to a neutral location for dinner. Slip a couple of mice or rats
into a
blender with other ingredients of your choice and make whipped
delight. Put it into a baked
shell, pie, quiche or whatever is in at the
moment. But be sure to name it.
Let your
mark eat it. Wether or not you inform the mark what was eaten,
when or how, is up to you.
Bea McStates, a
true Yuppie master, one of the newer trends is to volunteer
food from your plate to the plates
of others. Here’s how Billy Bea does it.
"I slurp up a bite of something, chew it around
for awhile, then offer
it out, saying, ‘Hey, wanna try some of my food?" They think it’s
gonna be
fresh off a plate, least ways until I spit what’s been wetly masticated in
my
mouth onto their spoon or directly onto the mark’s plate.
— FOOTWEAR –
Did you ever want to float someone’s footwear? Gary Signora found it
fun to pee into a
beaker, then pour the output into his mark’s deck shoe,
rubber overshoe or winter boot.
Sometimes, he peed into a plastic bag and
then fit that inside his mark’s footwear.
Why
does he do such urinary things?
"A few months ago, my brother left my shoes outside in
the rain after
he’d borrowed them. I raised hell. He said it would never happen again. Then
me he did it
cause he was pissed. What else could I do? I pissed in his
shoes."
—
FOUR WHEELERS –
Four-wheel drive vehicles are great, useful and valuable.
Sometimes,
though, idiots obtain these prime vehicles and do rude things to other
people’s property. This where CW of Hastings drives in with a great payback.
His is a simple
idea that befits the simple-minded Brotherhood of
Rednecked Baboons who misuse these fine
machines. When the weather is
horrible, ice or snowy, or the goon is in a desert dune, simply
unlock one
of the hubs on his vehicle. he has locked them both and assumes they are
locked. You unlock only one. He drives as if his vehicle were in four-wheel
drive. It’s not.
Disaster ahead. Or, behind.
— FREAKY STUFF –
Thank the Shadow for
this excursion into the occult. If you want to
terrify your mark more than hurt her/him,
follow these simple directions.
Get to your mark’s bedroom window. Take a glass cutter and
gently cut a
square hole in the glass. Be careful not to cut the whole way through the
glass. Choose a biker’s glove that is just larger than the hole, or the
other way around, and
glue it over the cutting on the outside of the window.
If you can’t get a glove, a photo will
do. The idea is that a biker has left
his calling card and may reappear anytime.
Scared?
I bet your mark sleeps on his or her back for a long time after
the stunt… if sleep
comes.
Next freak shot is when you hire a really disgusting and gross person
and put him
on her in a really disgusting outfit. You are going to take
revenge on someone who really
irritated you. It could be a former sweetie,
boss or whomever.
This person you have
hired to do your freaky stunt must be a terrible
sight. You must insist that he/she have a
huge head cold or sinus condition
as a prelude to employment. When he/she gets to your mark’s
home and the
mark swings open the door, your disgusting stooge shouts "Boogergram,
Boogergram!!!" and blows his/her nose fully on the mark, pulls the door
shut, and leaves
as fast as possible.
— FURNITURE –
Sherry of Palm Springs has a
true vandal’s way of getting back at
somebody’s furniture when the host/hostess or furniture
has been nasty to
her. For instance, she says if they have a beanbag char, she makes a
small
slice in it with her razor-knife. Or, she makes several slices. The weight
of the
next occupant and gravity will carry this stunt to completion.
— GASOLINE
STATIONS –
Does the pump jockey dribble gasoline all over your car? Does he wipe
your windshield with a greasy rag? Was a simple twenty-dollar tune-up
upgraded to a
fifty-dollar rip-off? Is it any wonder you’re not happy with
the owner of this
service-oriented business?
Simply remove the inspection stickers that your state bureau of
been tested and
found to be accurate. The station owner will be in REAL
trouble if you do that. Do your duty
as a good citizen, too, and report to
the proper officials that there are no stickers on Mr.
Mark’s pumps.
— GRAFFITI –
Obviously, graffiti are very useful
little musings from the walls of
toilets, walls, buses, overpasses, etc., and make up the
philosophy of
America’s street scholars. These graffiti also make great slogans for
T-shirts, bumper stickers, letterheards or, in their purest form, can be
spray-painted on
something belonging to your mark.
According to our veteran contributor Geneth, paint pens are
the best
invention for graffiti artists since walls. Geneth says you should always
buy
the large size, too, as it lasts longer and is cheaper. Paint pens do a
neater job and are
easier to hide than cans of spray paint.
When the politically controlled Nuclear Regulatory
Agency was ordered
from the White House to light up Three Mile Island by starting the
reactors,
some dissident friends of your author scribbled some large painted noticed
on
bridges and other natural billboards along the Pennsylvania Turnpike:
"HERSHEY, PA: IT
MELTS INTO THE GROUND, NOT IN YOUR HAND."
Here are some prime examples of specific
graffiti you can use:
- To all Virgins - thanks for nothing!
- When I want your
advice, I’ll beat it out of you.
- When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking
(doping)
- When all else fails, lower your standards
- I survived Catholic schools
- It’s not pretty being easy
- Life is a bitch, then you die
- Reality is for people who
lack imagination
- A woman’s place is in the mall
- Cocaine is God’s way of telling you
that you’re making too
much money
- When God made man she was only funning
- Yuck
Fou
- We’ll get along better as soon as you realize I am god
- Real men don’t have
floppy discs
- Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
- Life is too important
to be taken seriously
- Get stoned, drink wet cement
- I love the immoral minority
— GRAVE SITES –
If you really want to spook some primary or secondary
mark, mess with
the burial site of an appropriate, symbolic, but dead mark. Maybe that one
to this grave
question.
He says to pour sulphuric or hydrochloric acid on the grass atop of the
markee’s site. It will kill vegetation more quickly than standard
herbicides. I can think of
all sorts of fun, secondary things you could add
to this stunt to make it really twilight-zone
time. I bet you can, too.
Desmond Dosdose is fifty-three years old and has been a hard worker
for
the past thirty-four years, totally loyal to his company. He was ordered
into early
retirement at less than a justified amount after his employer
sold out for a huge profit
within two hours of pledging to employees he
would not sell out if they would agree to a wage
giveback of 30 percent. The
"clever" owner did this to make his business a more
attractive sales
package. He sold and ran.
Viewing his professional death as being worth
a fun, live one, Desmond
sought a trusted friend in another state who had another friend who
was a
stone mason. Some dollars changed hands and a very realistic tombstone was
created
in the name of the former business owner who’d lied to and cheated
his 175 employees. The name
and date of birth were correct. The date of
death was two months in advance.
The
tombstone was photographed and made into postcards. These were sent
to the boss who was now
"retired" in Florida. A copy was sent to his wife
who was still in the Northeast,
selling the house and joining him later. In
the meantime, the original tombstone was planted
in the front lawn of the
business.
Would you believe it spooked the new owners enough
that final signings
were delayed six months, which made it necessary for the former owner
to
make four very expensive trips back.
In the meantime, several people from all over
the U.S., friends of our
hero, began to call both the mark and his wife every few days
saying,
"Only _____ days left to live. Are you ready to die? How does it feel to be
a dead man?"
OK, enough light humor, it’s back to heavy time. If you really want to
shatter your mark, as in "do the sucker in," here you go. Borrow some very
uninhibited friends, truck them to the gravesite of your mark’s close
family. Using a Polaroid
camera, have your associates perform sexual and
scatological acts up the grave site and stone,
then mail the photos to your
mark.
— GROSS OUT –
An
undeserving couple was nistly undercut by a Yuppie hostess at a
neighborhood party. Being only
wimps, they applied for help from a friend
who had graduated from a Haydukery School of
Mayhem. Here’s what he did.
"I went to the lady’s next party as a guest and took a can of
instant
whipped cream with me inside my coat," recalls Pablo Gorman. "The lady’s
minorites, stuff
like that. I got ready for my turn.
"Before going in front of the group, I filled my
mouth with the whipped
cream. The, I strode out and stood in front of the hostess. I began
to
stroke my neck up and down, starting slowly, then going more rapidly. Within
a few
moments, I moaned, bulged my eyes, opened my mouth and spewed the
whipped cream all over her
face."
In the climatic confusion, Pablo Gorman quickly left, the message
intact.
— GUN DEALERS –
If your potential mark is a federally licensed gun
dealer, you can
target his posterior in rapid-fire big trouble by reporting him to the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms, a federal bureau that enforces gun
laws, often
beyond their letter. Most dealers fear the BATF the way Jewish
folks feared the Gestapo in
WWII’s Germany.
The best way to attract attention to the dealer is to call BATF and
tell
them the dealer is selling guns without paperwork, selling to kids and
fancying stolen guns.
Another idea would be to buy an ad in the local
newspaper on behalf of your gun dealer/mark
and advertise that he sells live
machine guns cheap and without all the federal paperwork.
Stress in your ad
that the dealer has "found a loophole in the fed’s stupid law"
that lets him
sell machine guns freely. Clip the ad and send it to BATF in Washington.
It’s true that most gun dealers are very honest, fill-in-all-the-
paperwork legal people, so
use this stunt only if the mark is a true bastard
or crook. The fun can come if your mark is
not a licensed gun dealer. Better
yet, if he or she hates guns, then you have a perfect mark
for another BATF
scam. Plant weapons and dummy sales records, and make actual sales to
hoods
in the mark’s name, and so on. Then, report Mr. Anti-gun to the feds as an
unlicensed dealer.
— GUNS –
After Edgar got ripped off, then
physically busted up in a drug deal at
his local bikers’ bar, he had some fun. Considering
that he was going to
split for Panama on a permanent basis, he decided to "act" as a
purchasing
agent for that biker group in making a deal for some "off-paper"
street
guns, i.e., guns not properly registered and sold. He knew he was dealing
with
undercover agents of the BATF.
"I set up the deal and pulled in a few of the brothers who
had me beat
up, letting them think that I was trying to get back into favor," Edgar
told
me. "I got the deal set, then I split. I learned that four of my former
brothers got busted in Maryland on federal gun charges and are going to do
about three to five
years each. Good news."
Alonzo Hitler bought one of those very realistic-looking
replica
submachine guns after his boss literally walked away from his gambling debt
to
Alonzo by pointing a loaded pistol "near" Alonzo’s testicles, and telling
him the
debt was paid.
"Enough of that bull. I got the replica submachine gun and got a
girlfriend to drive," Alonzo said. "I knew the boss was out of town for the
day so
we took his very recognizable Continental from where he’d parked it.
"She was behind the
wheel and we drove all over town. I had done a bit
of disguise makeup and had dressed the way
my boss always dressed so from a
distance I looked like him. Every time we came near a crowd,
I waved the
fake gun out of the car window. People scattered.
"We drove through a
mall parking lot and I screamed at a group of
senior citizens waiting for their buss, ‘Get
down or I’ll blow your
worthless heads off.’"
This went on for only ten minutes as
Alonzo and friend figured the
police would be beaming along soon. The boss had parked his
continental at
the airport which is where Alonzo and his girlfriend left it - thirty
minutes before El Jefe’s flight was due in.
When the boss landed and walked up to his car, he
found several police
cars and some very antsy officers waiting for him with their own, very
real
guns drawn. They wanted to discuss his gun waving car ride that afternoon.
Airline
alibi? The boss had no airline alibi. He had faked the flight
and ducked out the side door of
the airport to meet his extramarital sweetie
in the car for a trip to a nearby motel. She
brought him back in time to
"come off" the flight and appear to be arriving home to
his wife and family.
Alonzo knew all of this, of course.
"It took a month and about
$1,300 of his lawyer’s time to straighten
out all of this," Alonzo reports. "I’m not
sure how it all came out at home,
though. Poorly, I hope."
— HAIR
–
You may have to think about his original idea for a few moments to
appreciate
all the ramifications of disrespect, taboo and mind-mess
involved. Put simply, mail hair to
your mark. Mail public hair or go to a
barber shop and collect sweepings of hair. You can be
subtle or you can be
gross.
One of my milder friends gets back at club or disco bars
with bad
entertainment and heavy cover charges by pasting public hair on the mouths
of
women pictured on promo posters promting the band or singers.
If you’re a waitress, bartender
or customer, you can plant pubic hair
in people’s drinks and food. Think about the mental
anguish. Always pick a
good taboo like this for fun revenge on someone’s mind. Hair’s thinking
of
you, kid.
— HALLOWEEN –
As a lot of people have known
through the years, Halloween is a fine
time for having fun with serious intent, i.e., a great
time to get even.
Suppose your mark lives in one of those security bound buildings
protected
by closed circuit TV, guards and all that. Wait until Halloween, when a lot
of
guests will be entering the building in costume or other disguises.
Have a very trusted friend
who has no connection with the mark rent
your costume for you. Both of you will need airtight
alibies in the event
the police got involved, i.e., if your stunt is really awful.
You
dress in the surrogate-rented suit and do your dirty work. All that
the guards or the video
cameras note is "someone" in your costume. Frankly,
unless a truly sensational crime
is involved, police have more vital things
to do than chase down a prankster in a Halloween
suit on Halloween night.
Although others had the same basic idea, the icon of creation here
was dick
Smegma.
When I was a kid, we had this old grump in the neighborhood who was
our
mark because he was such a mean old prick all year-round. Halloween was our
one
night to get even and usually did. But those were the innocent years.
Today, new generations
would deal with him in a different fashion, as you’ll
see.
Take advantage of all the
media hype about sickies who poison candy or
stick razor blades in kiddies’ goodies. This
time, you or a very trusted
friend plant the poison or the blades in your own kid’s stash or
that of
the friend’s kid. Make sure you have some witnesses when you "check" your
Of course, in your intelligence-gathering
stage earlier, you learned
what sort of goodies the mark is handling out. Duplicate it. Now,
for the
surprise - you "find" the doctored stuff and announce that your kid got
it
from "Mr. Mark" The Kid will probably agree, because he or she did get that
sort of treat there. Make sure you have removed the other examples of that
treat from the bag
before "breaking your case."
Call the police. Follow up with a civil lawsuit for
millions or you get
publicity. Even if all the hype falls through, listen to the
word-of-mouth
reputation you’ve created. A good way to poison the old neighborhood well,
as it were.
— HEALTH NOTICE –
You need to have professional
printing to get this stunt started. That,
and human nature, will assure that the stunt works,
says Dick Smegma, a
master who lost his amateur status years ago. Here’s the deal. Get
phony
forms printed that look as if they’re from your state’s health department.
Use all
the official seals, etc. This is why you need to have a friendly
printer in your trust.
Use the form to report to your mark that he/she has been sexually
active with a partner who
has been positively diagnosed as having AIDS. The
form should carry the warning, "Please
refrain from sexual relations of any
kind until we can diagnose your case." Tell the mark
to bring this form in
person to (address of local clinic filled in) on (set a date and
time).
Include some reference numbers, case numbers, etc. Insist that the mark
bring
along any spouse or regular sexual partner, too.
The mark will be in panic, especially if
he/she is a straight arrow. It
could cause all sorts of fun with spouses, friends, employers,
etc. Also,
think of the yuks when he/she shows up at the clinic.
— HIGH
SCHOOL –
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he was a young
tad, Colorado’s Bill Basque remembers how his ana rival high school
cooperated to stop
senseless vandalism. Bill says the student councils at
the two schools signed a pact saying
that the senior class treasury would be
used to pay for any damages done to the rival school
before, during and
after "the big game."
"We had one guy who was a little
bit craftier that the rest. He lined
up some very sensible damage to our school using the
other school’s name and
colors; then he planted some incriminating personal property evidence
he’d
managed to acquire from some kids who went to the rival school.
"Naturally,
his little counter terrorist stunt caused and uproar,
depleted the other senior class’s
treasury and ruined their senior prom. He
was a bright kid. I think he works for the
Republican National Committee
now," Bill muses.
— HOMES –
write me a letter
explaining how he moonlights as an interior decorator.
Join me as I share some of his
professional suggestions.
"I had a guy at work who really screwed me a couple times on
borrowed
money and was nasty and gloaty about it. I got the biggest Mason jar I could
find and filled it with samples of paint, wood stains, glues, old motor oil,
ketchup, animal
blood, puke and all sorts of nasty crap. Nothing fancy, I
just put the lid on, drove it over
to the mark’s place about 3 a.m. and
heaved it through his big picture window right into his
fancy living room.
About a week later at work he was bitching about his megabuck cleaning
bill
and that he had no idea who’d be sick enough to do such a thing. I did, but
I kept
my mouth shut."
— HOOD ORNAMENTS –
While hood ornaments have
gone the way of old hoods, I think they are
classy and should be resurrected, but with
changes. It might be fun to place
a dead rat on the front of a mouthy mark’s car with a neck
tag that reads,
"You’re next." This particular use of the message for a newly
planted
ornament came from Shadow.
I, myself, had though of mounting a stiffy dead
groundhog so that my
mark’s new "hood ornament" stood up, impaled from the animal’s
sphincter
muscle. Perhaps a note would be appropriate, perhaps not.
The only worse use
of head ornaments I have heard of came from John
"Big Dick The Truck" Camper, who is
normally a quiet, poetry-addicted,
middle-aged member of a small-town Elk’s Club. He told me
he would love to
find, buy and place a dead human head on the hood of his truck. Does he
look
like morgues, anatomy classes or Democratic Party rallies?
—
HOSPITALS –
Dolly Gurney, who toils in the medical profession in West Virginia, has
useful to repay a
hospital for.
Whenever a body (aka a dead person) is being moved from one area of a
hospital to another, it is usually loaded onto the bottom tray of one of the
double layer
carts they use. This makes it look less ominous, I suppose. The
body is hidden under a sheet
so unsuspecting visitors fresh from seeing
Uncle Joe in his last throes of terminal herpes
won’t be offended by another
stiff. To check, look carefully for the white toe-tag clipped to
the sheet.
Hospital orderlies haul these loads during their routine rounds.
Sometimes,
the deceased is unattended for three, four or even five minutes
at a time. Sound like part of
a comedy film plot? Nope, it’s true. How much
imagination does it take to list five quick
stunts you could pull involving
their silent coconspirator?
Dolly revealed an incident
from her own medical facilty when one of the
snotty clerks from the front office, a habitual
gossip and confirmed bitch,
was standing in the hall flapping her mouth in a torrent of lies
about some
other employee’s sex life. Dolly says on of the orderlies had his buddy
assume the corpse position on the lower shelf of meat wagon, complete with a
tag on a bare toe
peeking out from under the almost carefully tucked sheet.
Laughing with her usual guest, Dolly
continued, "This orderly was
whistling gaily as he approached the bitch and her cornered
audience. They
looked up and saw what was coming - no big deal. As the orderly drew abreast
"At that very
moment, the other orderly, pretending to be a corpse on
the lower shelf, slowly reached his
hand out from under the sheet and firmly
grabbed the bitch’s ankle."
Dolly reports
that the shirek was heard from Pittsburgh to Louisville,
and that the markess had to change
her underwear immediately after she
revived by an ammonia cap.
Yeah, I like it, too.
— INSECTS –
Jennifer Marshall is a grand lady who now lives in
California. She’s
had a bad time because she is good, honest, hard working and good
looking.
But best of all, she has a grand sense of humor, and she also knows how to
use
fleas.
She suggests you take three or four plastic storage bags that seal and
put a
small a mount of honey in the bottom of each. Blow some air into each
bag. The, Jennifer says,
locate some roaming neighborhood cat that is always
outside, i.e., a full-occupancy flea
motel. Hold the bag over the cat’s back
and run the open end along the fur as you pretend to
pet it. You will sweep
up many fleas into the bag.
Next, take the bags of fleas to your
mark’s car. If you want the fleas
to a nice home, sprinkle some powered sugar around the
interior of the
vehicle, too. This also works for apartments, mail slots, etc.
It may be
true that the early worm risks being eaten by a late-night
bird, but cockroaches will probably
outlive us all. There must be growing
appreciation for cockroaches, though, as both Shadow and
The Quarter Machine
suggested cockroach eggs as a useful tool for the happy Hayduker. These
fleabag
apartments and hostels. Some laboratory supply companies also sell
them. They would be a
delightful present for that special someone,
especially if he or she likes popcorn.
— JOGGERS –
While this is actually more a defense measure than a revenge
stunt,
many people who jog have called when I do talk shows to ask how they can get
back
at their attackers. Other than the usual bag of after-action goodies,
there are always
"kicking spikes," sold for general personal defense, but
ideal for joggers.
Basically, they are 20-gauge steel spikes worn unseen
under you shoelaces, but protrudingly
enough to do damage. Kicking spikes
are available from Defense Systems, PO Box 297, Awendaw,
SC 29429
— JUKEBOXES –
Nothing fancy, but this stunt could cause
the demise of one of these
machines, plus the spillover ill will of ear-mushed customers
toward the
restaurant or bar. Out a bunch of your abandoned change, two or three
dollars’ worth, into the target box and select the worst song on the play
list. Researching
the establishment, its patrons and the play list for
maximum effect is vital before you
attempt this stunt. A bit of test
marketing could also help you. Select the absolute worst
song, the really
aural dog on the list, and pump it all your change. Hit the buttons and
leave or stay; either way, enjoy.
— JUNK MAIL –
According to M.
K. Smith, the definition of a real loser is a Democrat
who gets junk mail with the postage
due.
Want your mark to receive lots of junk mail? Write a nice, polite,
literate letter
in your mark’s name to Direct Mail Advertising Association,
6 East 43rd St., New York, NY
10017. Ask them to please place "you" on their
master list for merchants and
advertisers as "you" dearly love the bargain
shopping that comes in the mail to
"you." You might also note that you are a
shut-in and do your shopping via the
mails. Soon your mark will be buried in
unwanted advertising. If you want to thank someone for
that last idea, wave
a hearty hand to little Tommie Titmouse.
The Baffling Radiologist
offers a way of fighting back against junk
mailers. He makes top-quality Xerox copies of
"First Class U.S. Postage
PAID" mail labels he gets from junk mailers. He then packs
up boxes of ugly
and evil things, sticks the labels on them and has them mailed back to the
Or, for a bit more money, you
can mass-produce counterfeit and/or
stick-on labels with your printer pal. Depending upon your
legal adviser,
this stunt may be illegal. So what? Happy posting.
At long last, the
combined forces of that great people’s law firm of
Hacker and Computer have found a way to
smash the evils of junk mail in a
very modern way. The firm’s eloquent representative, Mr.
Master Hacker,
Esq., tells it as it should be.
First, find out the name of the "top
executive" in the junk-mail
company. Then, find out where the main office is and if
possible what the
telephone prefix (first three numbers) is. Now, you need an efficient,
trusted hacker, who knows how to bypass security on the company computer.
Have the hacker
delete the entire mailing list, or just a few names if
you prefer, yours being one of the, of
course. If you feel really devilish,
substitute another mark’s name for yours or put many
different names with
his address on the list. Second, order moderate amounts of products in
the
name of the "top executive" of the junk-mail firm. If the hacker knows what
Another suggestion
involves learning the names and addresses of several
salesmen or executives, including the
main office address of the company.
Make a fake chain letter with the list of these
individuals and their
addresses. In the chain letter, promise that if you send x numbers of
dollar
to the top person, delete his name, and add your name to the bottom, you
will
receive x number of dollars when your name reaches the top. Include
instructions to make x
copies of the letter and send it to x numbers of
friends. As you know, chain letters are quite
illegal, but you will still
follow through with this plan by sending copies to the letter to
your
friends, who are the postmaster general of the United States, the U.S,
attorney
general, the local district attorney, and any other law-enforcement
personnel you with to
include.
An alternative to the dollar amounts might be to say "send your wife/
husband to the man/woman at the top of the list for one night. When you
reach the top you will
have x different encounters; some of them will have
been great fun."
– KU KLUX KLAN –
Leave it to Dick Smegma to dirty the sheets of this idiotic group
of
good old boys with a great stunt that uses the KKK as an unwitting aide.
Dick says to
get a membership application sent to your mail drop in a phony
name. Make some color
photocopies or have your printer do this for you for
later use. Fill out one in the mark’s
name, use a postal money order for the
initial membership fee of about $25, then list the
mark’s work address or
his minister’s address or the local "Black Power"
organization’s address for
that of the mark. Mail it back to the Klan.
—
LANDLORDS –
Donna Vicegrip has a friend whose landlord was a real one-man
pestilence who finally did an ultimate dirty deed to the tenant families.
Donna came to the
rescue and here’s what happened.
This was a single-family house so the scam was confined to
the landlord
and was executed as the tenants prepared to leave. The first step is to
visit a couple of markets and among other things buy ten or twelve five-
pound bags of sugar.
Go to a per store and purchase a bunch of crickets and
roaches (They’re sold as pet food).
all the electricity at
the main switch box. Remove all of the wall-light
switch plates. Using a common kitchen funnel
to guide the flow, pour the
contents of each of the bugs in each switch hole. Replace the
plates and
turn the power back on.
The insects will feed on the sugar between the walls
and will multiply
like bigots in government. The rotten landlord will never get rid of
them.
A wonderful fan called in a variation of this stunt during a talk show
in Florida.
He suggested filling the walls with effluvia, dead animals,
vomit, etc., using the electrical
access holes as entry points.
If working with bugs makes you crawly, Donna has a modification
of the
insect invasion. Again, pull the main block and shut down all the power in
the
house. Remove all the switch plates from the switches and the face
plates from the outlets.
Cut all wires from all switches and plugs, attach
fishhook weights to the cut wires and let
them fall to the floor, inside the
wall. Next, secure the plates in place again, only this
time use Superglue
to seal the bond so that the screws are just cosmetic. Imagine the
landlord’s fun when he tries to make the wiring functional again.
Tanya and friends have
slumlords under fire in southern California. A
feisty lady, she had a friend print some
"official" forms, illegally using
the name of the landlord, who really is a slime
and a slumlord. She makes
sure that all new tenants get a copy. The tenant reads the form,
reproduced
here, and sends it in. Much fun then happens between the landlord and the
authorities.
(date)
Dear Tennant:
It has come to our
attention that your apartment building has numerous
health and safety violations. As a
service, we are providing you with this
form so that your rent can be reduced or stabilized if
the owner of this
building does not upgrade your apartment complex. A list of common
complaints follows. Check and comment on those that apply to your apartment.
1) Old,
worn carpeting.
2) Broken dishwasher.
3) Broken garbage disposer.
4) Leaks in
plumbing, causing mildew, mold, sagging ceilings
and/or walls due to water damage.
5)
Missing window screens.
6) Unusable underground parking due to poor lighting in the
garage area at night.
7) Non-operating washers and/or dryers, necessitating the use of
a
laundromat.
Peeling paint.
9) Clogged sinks.
Please take the time to
fill out the form and list your complaints,
then tell us how much loss you feel your rent
should be because of these
defects. We will take legal action if necessary to protect your
rights.
Sincerely,
(Name and Title)
Los Angeles Rent Control Board
(Address)
Another way to hassle a landlord is to picket his home, office, other
rental properties, or wherever you might locate him/her personally, e.g..,
his country club.
Be sure to include minority pickets and make broad hints
that the landlord won’t rent to
members of ethnic, racial and social
minorities. Old people are great sympathy-arousing
minorities for this
stunt, as are nice young couples with babies whom the landlord has
"put out
in the cold." Make sure these are all working-class folks and civilized
this properly.
— LAUNDROMATS –
Have one of these absentee-ownership business ruined
your clothes,
ripped you off or otherwise stained your relationship without a hope of
mending things in a reasonable fashion? Holy White Tornado, it’s Filthy
McNasty and Vera to
the rescue with myriad grand ideas.
If the laundromat has no attendant on duty, and most
don’t, simply go
into the place and fill all the washing machines with quick-drying cement.
sabotaged by filing
them with expanding plastic foam. Best to do this at
night when there are no other customers
around.
Or, you can walk into the washeteria with about five pounds of calcium
carbide
(wonderful stuff) and dump it into a washing machine. Start the
cycle and run like hell. It
will foam up like crazy, give off an incredibly
obnoxious-smelling gas, and also gum up the
machine’s gears.
These are drastic measures. Here is a lightweight goody. Most laundry
detergents are a white powder. So is powered bleach. Buy a box of Tide, or
similar laundry
soap, empty out half of it, and fill it with powdered
bleach. Leave the box behind. If this is
used for colored clothes, they will
run beyond belief. Some laundry detergents are a green or
blue powder. So is
dye. Mix in some dye with the colored soap powder. Guess what happens?
these establishments
comes from an old Vietnamese friend of mine, a
laundryman named Diddy Mao. He converts empty
washing machines and clothes
dryers into pet cages. For instance, he suggests you put a large,
live rat
into one of the washers and close the cover. Or, fill one of the machines
with
crickets from a bait shop, or a swarm of bees. In any case, the
customer is going to be the
secondary mark in this sting and will surely be
out to spread some legal venom to the owner of
the business.
— LIGHTS –
Here’s a quickie from Jolly Cholly
Potter, who likes to put shoe
polish on the pull-strings hanging down from basement light
fixtures.
Calling into one of my talk shows, he said, "I do it for my girlfriend a lot
all over his or
her hand."
He’s in coal business if that help explain things.
—
LOCAL OFFICIALS –
Political philosopher Fearing Pangborn, director general of the
monger governments.
Speaking of them in tandem, he notes, "Facts without
theory is trivia, while theory
without facts is bull." All of which brings
up this great scam played on small-town
bozos.
The hero is very careful not to give away anything of his identity to
us because
he’s still having too much fun to even risk getting caught. But
it’s all true. Basically, what
he let me know so far is that small
community’s "old boy club" leaders screwed him
badly on a business deal on
favor of one of the old boy’s sons, using insider data via the
local bank
president. Nasty business. Much of the blame goes to the police chief and
the
mayor who brought blackmail pressure on the banker because of his
extramarital affair with a
local lady. The lawyer who gained big bucks was
the mayor’s son.
Our hero had a friend
in another town across the country get him a fine
transceiver with the local police and
emergency frequencies on it, including
the scrambled tactical operating frequencies. He had
another out-out-state
friend wire a connector between his transceiver and his car’s
cassette
player.
Our hero rides around the area at odd hours of the day and night
playing quick snatches of porno cassettes featuring very explicit sound
effects. He precedes
the tape selection with a recorded cut-in done by
another out-of-state friend who can imitate
Johnny Carson and the voices of
other stars, saying things like, "And now, dear friends,
here is my on-the-
spot recording of the mayor’s daughter whoring around with the police
chief’s mother."
Naturally, in a small town, all sorts of gossip about this has
started,
and our hero has become a folk hero to an underground newsletter started by
an
out-of-work bunch of labor-union folks who also have justified grudges
against the power elite
of the town.
Not only can you use a transceiver with the proper crystals of
frequencies
to have fun in official radioland, you can also modify the
official actions of the minions of
this land. As Jake Buckshot explains, "I
got an official transceiver through a buddy who
had been a cop until he
tired of the ‘bash first, ask later’ mentality in his town and moved
on. I
use it to cut in on stupid dispatch orders.
"We had some bluenoses upset
about a nude section of public beach up
here. They pressured the local police into hassling
these quiet folks who
felt like sunning and swimming without suits. I decided to help out
these
dumb Nazis we got here playing cop."
"I cut into and overrode the
dispatcher - I’m a ham operator and radio
buff and know how to soup my set - and said,
‘Disregard previous
instructions, beach squad. Return to base for visual instructions.’
"Another time I sent them to the mayor’s house for a reported orgy on
the lawn, only I
didn’t tell them the mayor lived at that address."
— LUNCH-BAG THIEVES
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