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Automobiles

Many camheads and antivehicular guerrillas must read my books, or else they are more prolific than the rest of you. Without fail, the heaviest amounts of mail come from readers want to share nasty things you can do to automobiles. Many stunts were duplicated, and a few were totally without humor or redeeming revenge value, so they are not included here.

Maybe I should have named this book *Auto Madness*. It seems everyone has something nasty to do to every mark’s car. E.W. from Hastings (a funny name), Nebraska is a perfect example of motoring meanness. He writes, “George, try dropping a handful of BBs or lead shot down the carburetor of your mark’s car…big,big,big repair bills.”

Next, E.W. wants you to drain oil from the mark’s automobile. Replace the plug, then fill the crankcase with water. He says this will do more damage than simply letting the oil run out. E.W. says this works well because the oil warning lamp will not come on, yet the engine doesn’t have any oil-which it needs so badly. Wasn’t it the Bible where I read that oil and water don’t mix?

I’m sure all you motorheads and straights enjoyed the scene in *American Graffiti* where Officer Holstein has the rear end ripped out from under his cruiser. The movie is history, but modern technology now makes it easier than ever to recreate that scene for real. It works for any mark, not just those of the law enforcement persuasion.

Our Kansas City whiz, Jimi the Z, cautions that you do this to nobody but a truly mortal for because it is so devastatingly expensive.

“You need some quarter-inch Kelvar rope, which is fairly lightweight, almost invisible at night, but stronger than hell. Attach one end around both axle sides with a double half-hitch. Leave twenty-five feet or so of slack, then attach the other end to a cement post, steel lightpole, or something that isn’t going anywhere when the vehicle tries to.

Believe me, this is fantastic to watch, to see the results. It almost totals the car, as the entire rear end suspension is destroyed with great frame damage as well,” Jimi writes with glee.

Meanwhile, there is more to fuel the imagination. Herb Bobwander is a real sweetie when it comes to sugaring your mark’s gas tank. He say’s, “Sugar itself is messy and hard to pour into a tank. That’s why I always use sugar cubes. Just a few in the old gas tank, and his MPG will drop to zilch, his car will stall out all the time and behave like a lemon colored dog.” Gee Herb, you sound just like a commercial…for Hayduking a car.

If your mark has given you gas pains or a bellyache and you have access to his car, let’s next add Sam Stein’s fuel to the fires of your revenge. Sam says to take your hacksaw and cut off about three inches of the pipe leading to the car’s gas tank.

“Do it a few inches from the top of the tank so all the gas doesn’t spill out. Also, leave at least six inches of pipe connected to the gas tank well opening at the car body.

“Take a length of black plastic tubing about three feet long, attach it to the upper pipe, and secure it with a clamp. Run the rest of it down under the car so the end points to the right of the car. Secure this under the car with wires and string. Then, cut the tubing about six inches from the side of the car, so nobody will spot it.”

Sam says that when the mark goes into the gas station to fill ‘er up, he’s in for a surprise. As most gas jockeys just lock the nozzle and walk away, thinking it will automatically stop…well….there should be about fifty dollars of gasoline on the ground before anyone realizes something is wrong.

On the other hand, if he just puts in a few dollars worth, the mark may not notice the puddle from his misdirected gas supply line and will soon run out of gas. Let’s hope it’s miles from the nearest station.

Either the American Mothball Marketing Association of fifty readers had the same idea. It seems that ten or fifteen mothballs popped into an auto’s gas tank does an amazing job of murdering its engine. Unlike sugar, these little timebombs dissolve completely in gasoline, so there is no visible evidence. This one sounds like big bills at the repair shop.

If you place a judicious amount of plaster of Paris in someone’s automobile carburetor it will at least keep the butterfly valve open, and that’s the very least says Elmo Lang of Zanesville, Ohio.

This idea is untried but seems chemically sure, according to Alexander Hogg of Tampa. He says that an ordinary Tampax stuffed into a diesel fuel tank will dissolve into extremely fine fibers which will clog filters and injection pumps. It seems as if that would be a bloody nuisance to the engine’s owner.

Putting additives in the crankcase is old hat. Instead, put things in with the transmission fluid. If the mark’s car is an automatic, many of the fuel and oil additives mentioned in the earlier books will also destroy the transmission. Or, as Todd Proudfoot advocates, you can dissolve a bit of parrafin wax in ethlene glycol. It will stop any auto transmission.

Wilson R. Drew provided two very positive and negative numbers to be used for your mark’s automobile. His first idea is to switch the No. 1 and No. 8 wires in the firing order on the distributor cap of a vehicle with an automatic transmission. You will find these wires marked by number. This will allow the vehicle to start either in “Neutral” or “Park” positions, but will kill the engine as soon as the shift lever is put into “Drive.” It will happen repeatedly and will cause all sorts of expensively fun problems for the mark, and profit for some mechanic.

Mr. Drew’s second idea involves people who want to touch your car, such as hoodlums, thieves, and other street scum that you want to keep away. Get a coil from a Ford Model A car and have it hooked up by a competent and friendly mechanic. He hooks it to your car in such a way as to discourage the street slime from touching live metal surfaces. According to Mr. Drew, if this is done properly, whenever any unauthorized person touched the door handles, bumper, or hood latch, he will receive a jolt of electricity that feels like a right cross to the genitals. A small toggle switch located beneath the car will shut off the electricity whenever you wish.

I also get a lot of auto-related letters from people who are furious with the idiotic way drivers behave in shopping center parking lots. I agree. Parking in handicapped zones, fire lanes, walkways, and in front of stores is boorish, lazy, inconsiderate, and downright deserving of all sorts of Haydukian Mayhem.

Pud Drunchniak tells me that he cruises the mall lots until he spots a repeat offender he has noted from before. Pud is retired, you see, and has a lot of time to help make our world more civilized.

“I see these uncivilized, healthy louts parked where they shouldn’t while some senior citizen or mother with her little kids has to hike through a hundred yards of slush from her spot in the parking lot to get to the store. That isn’t right, and I do something about it.”

Old vigilante Pud carries a Crossman air pistol and a WHAMMO wrist rocket with an ample supply of ammo for both in his car. He parks woth a clear shot at the offending vehicle well within range and fires several rounds at the vehicle, wounding its windows or finish.

“I wait until there is noise or something else distracting before I take action, of course,” Pud advises. “Sometimes I work only at night. I make two or three attacks on different targets from different locations and positions, then I leave the mall for the day. Once in awhile I work from the roof, too. But, I’m not as young and mobile as I used to be, so I mostly stick with my car.”

That spring-loaded prick punch that machinists use is a handy pocket tool and quite aptly named for dealing with marks. With reasonable quiteness, it will punch a few neat holes in the body panels of the mark’s car, showing him where he should mount a few do-dads from Western Auto, or so syas Texas’s R.W.

Here’s one that almost seems timid, as if the meek really have taken over the earth. It’s another variation on how to get back at some lout who bangs his car door into your car at some parking facility. You just stick toothpicks in any and all locks on the mark’s car, then break them off in the lock. It helps if it’s winter and the toothpick is wet. Actually, this stunt will work on almost any lock.

Jimi the Z doesn’t believe in just slashing tires. He says to use pliers and pull out all the stems. But, He tells you to leave the stems there as it is a riot to watch marks try to stuff them back in. Jimi suggests this great payback for subhuman slimeballs, e.g., those rude bastards who steal handicapped parking spots.

Meanwhile, moving inside the vehicle, you’ve heard of bees in your bonnet? With apologies to our British cousins, David Muridae has a little surprise for your mark’s automobile glove box. Our Illinois-based trickster suggests loosing a container full of bees or wasps into the glove box. The poor mark will bumble into that lot and learn what a sting operation is really like.

California’s infamous Arlo Jones has a lot of splendid suggestions to help you modify your mark’s automobile. For stance, if your mark’s vehicle has power seats, move the seat into a totally uncomfortable position, then cut the power cable that controls movement, or superglue the control knob.

According to Arlo, you can also easily create an ant farm on wheels with the mark’s car by removing the ashtrays in the rear seat armrests. You’ll find a lot of space under there for you to stuff half-eaten hamburgers or roadkill, then dump a can of soda on that mess. You could also produce the start of an ant culture by picking up a few strays from the sidewalk and introducing them to their new home. Replace the ashtray and wait. Arlo also mentions that if your mark’s car features hidden winshield wipers, removing them will create quite a shock next time your mark is out driving in the rain or snow.

If you like syringes of all sizes, Filthy McNasty, our resident expert on various forms of antiestablishment guerrilla warfare, also has some tactics to try on your mark’s car. He says to fill a basting syringe with castor oil, then squirt it into the tailpipe and muffler of the mark’s car. After a few minutes on the road, the vehicle will start to smoke beyond belief.

You can also use this syringe to squirt a good dose of formaldehyde, el tacko perfume, vile urine, or whatever else through the mark’s car’s open window. Or, crack the window, run a garden hose in, and flood his car for real.

Jimi the Z is full of more ideas. This time he wants to reprogram the mark’s custom car horn – the type where the owner records his own tune onto the little keyboard or cassette recorder. Here’s the new idea. Substitute some of your really gross stuff for his original selection. For example, among some Latins, the familiar refrain “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits,” is interpreted as meaning “Screw Your Mother.” This meaning was independently confirmed by an East L.A. friend of mine.

I surely brought out all the experts of the automobile sabotage trade. Jerald Jordan adds an improvement to the old trick of supergluing car locks by telling us to seal the door’s weather stripping to the car body. Just apply the glue all the way around and slam the door.

If you’d like the police to stop his car and speak with your mark, you can attract their attention by disconnecting his rear turn signal lights or his rear car lights. Sam from Connecticut did this to a habitually drunken fellow employee who was a menace on the road. Sam wanted the police to nail him from drunk driving. He got police attention by removing the bulbs from the aforementioned drunk’s car lights, causing police to pull the heavily marinated mark over. Result: A free trip to jail for the sot, plus a heavy fine.


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