How To Terrorize McDonalds by the Jolly Roger
(Originally an Apple ][ file so excuse the upper case!!!)
NOW, ALTHOUGH Mc DONALDS IS FAMOUS FOR IT’S ADVERTISING AND MAKING THE
WHOLE WORLD
THINK THAT THE BIG MAC IS THE BEST THING TO COME ALONG SINCE
SLICED BREAD (BUNS?), EACH LITTLE
RESTAURANT IS AS AMATEUR AND SIMPLE AS
A NEW-FOUND BUSNESS. NOT ONLY ARE ALL THE EMPLOYEES
RATHER INEXPERIENCED
AT WHAT THEY’RE =SUPPOSED= TO DO, BUT THEY WILL JUST LOOSE ALL CONTROL
WHEN
AN EMERGENCY OCCURS….HERE WE GO!!! FIRST, GET A FEW FRIENDS (4 IS
GOOD…I’LL GET
TO THIS LATER) AND ENTER THE MCDONALDS RESTAURANT, TALKING
LOUDLY AND REAKING OF SOME STRANGE
SMELL THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THE OLD
COUPLE SITTING BY THE DOOR LEAVE. IF ONE OF THOSE
PIMPLY-FACED GOONS IS
WIPING THE FLOOR, THEN TRACK SOME CRAP ALL OVER IT (YOU COULD PRETEND
TO
SLIP AND BREAK YOUR HEAD, BUT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SO).
NEXT, BEFORE YOU GET THE
FOOD, FIND A TABLE. START YELLING AND RELEASING
SOME STRANGE BODY ODOR SO =ANYBODY= WOULD
LEAVE THEIR TABLE AND WALK OUT
THE DOOR. SIT 2 FRIENDS THERE, AND GO UP TO THE COUNTER WITH
ANOTHER.
FIND A PLACE WHERE THE LINE IS SHORT, OR IF THE LINE IS LONG SAY "I ONLY
WANNA BUY A COKE" AND YOU GET MOVED UP. NOW, YOU GET TO DO THE =ORDERING=
…HEH HEH HEH.
SOMEBODY =ALWAYS= MUST WANT A PLAIN
HAMBURGER WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON IT (THIS TAKES EXTRA
TIME TO MAKE, AND
DRIVES THE LITTLE HAMBURGER-MAKERS INSANE)..ORDER A 9-PACK OF CHICKEN
MCNUGGETS…NO, A 20 PACK…NO, THREE 6 PACKS…WAIT…GO BACK TO THE TABLE
AND ASK WHO WANTS
WHAT. YOUR OTHER FRIEND WAITS BY THE COUNTER AND MAKES A
PASS AT THE FEMALE CLERK. GET BACK TO
THE THING AND ORDER THREE 6-PACKS OF
CHICKEN ETC….NOW SHE SAYS "WHAT KIND OF SAUCE
WOULD YOU LIKE?".OF COURSE,
SAY THAT YOU ALL WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS
WANTS 2 (ONLY IF
THERE ARE ONLY 2 CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE LEFT).THEN THEY HAFTA GO
INTO
THE STOREROOM AND OPEN UP ANOTHER BOX. FINALLY, THE DRINKS…SOMEBODY WANTS
COKE,
SOMEBODY ROOT BEER, AND SOMEBODY DIET COKE. AFTER THESE ARE DELIVERED,
BRING THEM BACK AND SAY
"I DIDN’T ORDER A DIET COKE! I ORDERED A SPRITE!"
THIS GETS THEM MAD; BETTER YET,
TURN DOWN SOMETHING TERRIBLE THAT NOBODY
WANTS TO DRINK, SO THEY HAFTA THROW THE DRINK AWAY;
THEY CAN’T SELL IT.
AFTER ALL THE FOOD(?) IS HANDED TO YOU, YOU MUST =NEVER= HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY
TO PAY. THE CLERK WILL BE SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED THAT SHE’LL LET YA GET
AWAY WITH
IT (ANOTHER INFLUENCE ON HER IS YOUR FRIEND ASKING HER "IF YOU
LET US GO I’LL GO OUT WITH
YOU" AND GIVING HER A FAKE FONE NUMBER).
NOW, BACK TO YOUR TABLE. BUT FIRST, SOMEBODY
LIKES KETCHUP AND MUSTARD.
AND PLENTY (TOO MUCH) OF NAPKINS. OH, AND SOMEBODY LIKES FORKS AND
KNIVES,
SO ALWAYS END UP BREAKING THE ONES YOU PICK OUTTA THE BOX. HAVE YOUR
FRIENDS
YELL OUT,"YAY!!!!! WE HAVE MUNCHIES!!" AS LOUD AS THEY CAN.
THAT’LL WORRY THE ENTIRE
RESTAURANT. PROCEED TO SIT DOWN. SO, YOU ARE
SITTING IN THE SMOKING SECTION (BY ACCIDENT) EH?
WELL, WHILE ONE OF THE
TOBACCO-BREATHERS ISN’T LOOKING, PUT A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE
ROOM SAYING "DO NOT SMOKE HERE" AND HE’LL HAFTA MOVE…THEN HE GOES INTO
THE REAL NON-SMOKING SECTION, AND GETS YELLED AT. HE THEN THINKS THAT
NO SMOKING IS ALLOWED IN
THE RESTAURANT, SO HE EATS OUTSIDE (IN THE POUR-
ING RAIN) AFTER YOUR MEAL IS FINISHED (AND
QUITE A FEW SPLATTERED-OPENED
KETCHUP PACKETS ARE ALL OVER YER TABLE), TRY TO LEAVE. BUT OOPS!
SOMEBODY
HAS TO DO HIS DUTY IN THE MEN’S ROOM. AS HE GOES THERE, HE STICKS AN
UNEATED
HAMBURGGR (WOULD YOU DARE TO EAT ONE OF THEIR HAMBURGERS?)
INSIDE THE TOILET, FLUSHES IT A
WHILE,UNTIL IT RUNS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.
OOPS! SEND A PIMPLY-FACED TEENAGER TO CLEAN IT UP.
(HE WON’T KNOW THAT
BROWN THING IS A HAMBURGER, AND HE’LL GET SICK. WHEEE!)
AS YOU LEAVE
THE RESTCURANT, LOOKING BACK AT YOUR UNCLEANED TABLE, SOMEBODY
MUST REMEMBER THAT THEY LEFT
THEIR CHOCOLATE SHAKE THERE! THE ONE THAT’S
ALMOST FULL!!!! HE TAKES IT THEN SAYS "THIS
TASTES LIKE CRAP!", THEN HE
TAKES OFF THE LID AND THROWS IT INTO THE GARBAGE CAN…OOPS!
HE MISSED,
AND NOW THE SAME POOR SOUL WHO’S CLEANING UP THE BATHROOM NOW HASTA CLEAN
UP
CHOCOLATE SHAKE. THEN LEAVE THE JOINT, REVERSING THE "YES, WE’RE OPEN"
SIGN (AS A
REMINDER OF YER VISIT THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE JUST PUT
ALL OF MCDONALDS INTO COMPLETE
MAYHEM. AND SINCE THERE IS NO PENALTY FOR
LITTERING IN A RESTAURANT, BUGGING PEOPLE IN A
PUBLIC EATERY (OR
THROW-UPERY, IN THIS CASE) YOU GET OFF SCOT-FREE. WASN’T THAT FUN?
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