Jokes

[hamster dood]

Originally Posted by headcase

Edam is a kind of cheese. The joke is that it's like they make the cheese backwards. Did you know "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?

:lol: Now I get it.

"Rats live on no evil star."

[Cre8tor]

Ah then you are probably very very very close to Gundagai

[S7@1T3D]

same as above

[Cre8tor]

Three old ladies sitting on a park bench were flashed by a man wearing only a trenchcoat

One had a stoke and the other two missed

oh and S7@1T3D, I am close to water!!!!

[Steve_TPF]

I heard this one over 20 years ago and it's still one of my favourites.

A bunch of retarded kids are taken on a trip to the Eiffel tower. The bus pulls up and the carer in charge says " O.K kids, say thank you to mister bus driver".
"Thank-you mis-ter bus dri-ver" chant the kids.
The carer counts the kids as the exit the bus. "1,2,3...18,19,20".

"Now say hello to mister tour guide".
"Hel-lo mis-ter tour-guide." The kids say.

The guide takes them up the tower and talks about its history and construction. The kids don't understand a word, but they have fun spitting over the rail.

Tour over, they go back down.
"Now say thank you to mister tour guide." prompts the carer.
"Thank-you mis-ter tour-guide."

The carer counts the kids as they get back on the bus. "1,2,3...18,19".
There's one child missing. The carer looks up and sees Nigel, still up on the tower.
"Nigel, it's time to go. Come down" shouts the carer.
"O-kay" says Nigel. Eager to please he climbs over the rail and falls 300 feet to the ground with a loud thump.

"Oh my God!" screaams the carer. "Someone call Nigel an ambulance!"
"Ni-gel's an am-bu-lance, Ni-gel's an am-bu-lance..."

(It's funny because they think he's an ambulance. Stupid tards.)

[S7@1T3D]

Why did the chicken get arrested?

It was using fowl language!

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

"I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.lol

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her."

[A Toxicated Mind]

Haha, thats amazing. The part that said "But atleast that bitch knows im smarter than her" really pulled it all together. Did you make that?

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

No I found it ona friends myspace.
I found out that it's all over the web.
There are a few slightly different versions.

[S7@1T3D]

A man was sitting down watching the football when his wife asked him if he could fix the front step. The man looked at her an said "does it look like i have brickie written on my forehead". His wife walks away.

A couple minutes later she comes back in and asks if her husband can fix the flickering light. The man replied do i have electrician on my fucking forehead. She walks away.

About 30 mins later the football was just about to Finnish, when his wife came in and asked to fix the fridge door it just broke. The husband stood up and yelled "DO I HAVE FUCKING BUNNINGS TATTOOED TO MY FOREHEAD! I'm going to the pub"

Than man come home from the pub an he noticed the steep had been fixed, That's strange he said. He walked inside and turned the light on, it wasn't flickering and he just shrugged his shoulders. He than went to get a beer out of the fridge and noticed the door wasn't broken.

He walked up to see his wife and ask how she fixed them. She politely told him she was out the front crying about it when a young man said he would fix all 3 things if i baked him a cake or had sex with him.

"I didn't know u could cook. What cake did u bake him?" he asked.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BAKER TATTOOED TO MY FUCKING FOREHEAD?" She replied.

[A Toxicated Mind]

No, but i guess she has a slut tattooed to her head.

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

Q:What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A:When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

No more dead baby jokes.
dead-baby-joke.com/dbj_001.htm

[S7@1T3D]

Originally Posted by A Toxicated Mind

No, but i guess she has a slut tattooed to her head.

Why?

[A Toxicated Mind]

Originally Posted by S7@1T3D

young man said he would fix all 3 things if i baked him a cake or had sex with him.

"I didn't know u could cook. What cake did u bake him?" he asked.
"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE BAKER TATTOOED TO MY FUCKING FOREHEAD?" She replied.

[S7@1T3D]

Its the same basis as paranoids joke. She outsmarted him.
If the roles where reversed you would say differnt.
Actually tell it to a female.

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

bombshock.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=3602&highlight=
Best joke I've heard all month.
I think he should do stand up.

[jrly]

Surrealist Porno - Deep Thoreau
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________

It came to me-If racism is ignorance, and ignorance is bliss, then racism is bliss.

[Bahr]

Well if I ever have kids Im not gonna let any of ya'll babysit.

Heres some jokes.

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and the man sittin next to her asks, Whered you get the pig. She says that aint no pig. he says well hell I was talkin to the duck.

I got a stiff neck I took a viagra pill and diddent swallow it quick enough.

My wife was shoppin for cars and she told me I want something that will go from 0 to 240 in ten seconds and I want it now. so I bought her some bathroom scales.

I man takes his friend bear hunting and only carries a dog a rope and a gun with one bullet. The man explains to his buddy, I will climb the tree and shake the bear out, When the bear hits the ground the dog will run up and bite its balls and hold it down and then we'll tie it up with the rope. His buddy asks well whats the gun and bullet for? The man says, In case the bear shakes me out of the tree shoot the damn dog.

I know an ass load more But I'll post em later.

[headcase]

You mangled some of those jokes.

Werner Heisenberg is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights behind him. He pulls over a police officer walks slowly up to his window. He leans in and says;
"Excuse me sir, but do you know how fast you were going?" to which Werner Heisenberg replies;
"No, but I know where I am".

__

This guy is driving down the road and he decides to test out his new sports car so he puts his boot to the floor. Speeding down the road, a police cruiser appears and pulls him over. This big, angry looking arrogant motherfucker of a police officer walks up.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing driving down the road at that kind of speed you little cocksucker?!", to which the man explains it was a new sports car and he was just trying it out and it'll never happen again, officer. Police officer says;

"And what would you have done of Mister Fog came down?". The guy is a little confused, and doesn't want to piss the cop off but he decides he'll play along and says;

"Well, I'd have pressed Mr. Brake, and Mr. Car would slow down". When he finishes, he realises he's just made a big mistake. The cop's face is burning a furious red and there's a vein throbbing in his forehead. Cop says;

"I said mist - or - fog".

[S7@1T3D]

A little guy is sitting at a bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "thats KUNG FU from JAPAN"
A bit later the thug smacks him again and says "thats KARATE from KOREA". The little guy gets up and leaves the bar.
A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug out cold and tells the barman "when that CUNT wakes up, tell him that was a FUCKING SHOVEL from BUNNINGS!".