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Exploring Bill the Cat’s Brain

First off, let me tell you where I got the idea for this article. Gary Trudeau, author of the Doonesbury comic strip, did a series in the strip called “In Search of Reagan’s Brain” back in around 1980 when he was first campaigning for president. I thought a similar expose on Bill the Cat would be appropriate.

Chapter One

To get inside Bill the Cat’s brain, we could take several paths. The most obvious is through his rather gaping large mouth. There are dangers associated with this though; he might take a swig of Kool-Aid from his Fred Flintstone cup. This would prove disastrous, as we would end up in his stomach, surrounded by bits of Twinkees and Whatchamacallit bars, and then we would eventually be let through his digestive track and out through the anus. Not a pleasant end.

A secondary route could be through his nose, but again, there are problems with this route. For instance, he might start to pick his nose before we had safely gotten out of his reach. This could cause us to be squashed on the inside of Matt’s nose, which wouldn’t be fun, especially when he would drink some Coke and have it go up his nose.

The only other route we could take would be by climbing in through his ears. We’d have to be careful, though, and avoid any Q-tips or pencils he might try to shove into his ears. This probably is the least dangerous route, so let us journey on.

Chapter Two

As we climb down through the channel connecting the outer ear to the eardrum, we see all sorts of ear wax clinging to the walls that has been blackened, probably by the insertion of a pencil. We shudder and continue on towards our destination. As we pass the eardrum, we notice that it is in particularly bad shape, probably from watching too much of the Brady Bunch with the volume on the TV turned up too much.

We have come to the end of the aural canal, so we will have to create a passageway to the inner reaches of Matt’s head. Carefully we make an incision into the wall of the canal, and note that there is not painful reaction as we do it. Strange, his head is Completely numb! No matter.

Soon we have climbed through the new hole and have climbed onto the outer section of Matt’s small brain. My, it is small. It looks like it is probably about the size of the average 8-year-old. No wonder he’s such an idiot on BBS’s.

Now that we’re actually at the brain, we look around the surface to find a suitably sized crack to slip through. We don’t have very long to search, as there seem to be many cracks all over the surface. Easily we slip through the surface and down into the inner section of the Cerebellum.

Chapter Three

Now inside the actual brain, we can see the many different brain cells and nerve connectors that make Matt tick. Many of the connectors seem to be frayed, which might explain why Matt can’t seem to make cohesive arguments about much of anything. Travelling on, we go to the Frontal Lobe, where all of his “neato” creative thoughts are processed. This section seems to have something quite strange burned into it; it resembles a constantly reforming version of the text file “AE Smartmodem Macros Rev. x” (where x changes from A to B to C, etc.).

After passing this monstrosity, we peruse all of Matt’s creative thoughts, and then come upon something so completely horrible that we flee in terror. It is something that has a squid-like head complete with tentacles, with an equally hideous body. It reminds us of the creature in “The Call of Cthulhu” by H.P. Lovecraft, in the ancient city of R’leyh.

Chapter Four

Travellers beware when trying to explore the deeper reaches of such an unusual creature such as Bill the Cat. You might happen upon Gomer Pyle practising his shooting or some such thing, and that could be fatal.

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