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For a lot of real and symbolic reasons, animals have always been great tools of revenge, going back to our fears of our evolutionary ancestors, I suppose. Using animals in your stunts will definitely put you ahead of the others in the revenge business.

In some areas you can buy dog and cat inmates from the pound for as little as a buck or two apiece. Buy a bunch of these condemned prisoners and hold them as your guest until…..

You’ve been fire or insulted by the idiot boss of a bar or restaurant, or you got a lousy meal there. Maybe you hate the owner for what he or she did to your family. There could be a dozen reasons for what you’re about to do.

Take you menagereie of four-footed friends to every available door of the marked location and get them all as far inside as possible. You may wish to disguise yourself and your drivers. After your herd is safely delivered, you should depart.

Bedlam is a modest word to describe what will happen next, especially if your furry dinner guests are really, truly hungry. Condition them that way before delivery, of course.

Own a live trap, one of those Havahart numbers? Great. Catch a wild raccoon, opossum, groundhog or feral cat in it. Turn this animal loose in your mark’s car or apartment. Think about the state that environment after half an hour attempted escape, followed by frantic trashing.


My friend Carla is obviously a lover of life and of animals. She has a great idea for people – short of just killing them – who like to harm animals. Carla points out that there are few laws against abuse of animals that don’t involve official witnesses, officers and all that. But, you can use what laws there are. Carla says that in most states you can legally seize (gently, please) any dog that sets paw on your property. Call the local animal control folks to come and take the dog to the pound. It takes the owner between twenty and fifty dollars to bail out the dog when you press the trespass charges.

Another tip Carla passes along when you decide to declare an obnoxious dog MIA is to “lose” its rabies-shot tag. This will add some extra bucks to the bailout. Carla says most pounds don’t have the time or inclination to identify individual animals, thus forcing the owner to personally drive in to look over the catch of the day.

Be careful when planning this stunt that you take into consideration the owner who might not care enough to buy back the dog, and what happens to the animal if nobody claims it.

I forgot to tell Carla that in their own world, dogs have a pound where they tow stray humans. Sometimes they perform medical experiments on them, in humane fashion, of course. In any case, beware of any animal hospital whose staff vet is a named Mengele.

Dog Waste

Bill Overton of Granite City, IL, was not fond of his neighbor’s canies because of their annoying habit of loud, long nighttime conversations back and forth, plus their dumping of softball-sized piles of excrement on his lawn. Bill decided to act.

Concerned that this behavior was caused by improper diet, Bill soaked some small sponges in bacon grease, a culinary delight favored by the fair, four-legged street dweller os Granite City. He dispensed these doggie hors d’oeuvres, and the doggies loved them. Unhappy, their digestive systems did not, and they were unable to pass feces or the sponges onto Mr. Overton’s lawn. How sad. They became bloated with flatus and other complications.

Happily, a veterinarian was able to save the dogs from their own stupidity. Showhow, their master figured out what had happened and managed to move away before Bill Overton found a way to feed him, too.

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