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It could be time to make your bankroll. According to Townsend Alexander, our financial intelligence agent, you can make good money buying some very cheap foreign coins that are the same size as a quarters. Get a paper coin wrapper. Wrap a few real quarters on the ends but fill the rest of the roll with the cheapie import coins. Wrap the roll and with felt-tip pen write some phony account number on it to add to authenticity.

Take the roll of coins into the targeted bank. If you dress like a business person and go at a busy time, especially with the account number written on each roll, and the rolls in a bank sack or your briefcase, the teller will probably give you ten dollars per roll without checking.

If you could get a banker to tell the truth, he’d admit that they hate college-student checking accounts. There’s probably a lot of justification, since most services like this for college students cost far more than they’re worth in return. However, that’s not our problem.

Suppose you have a gripe with the bank. Acting as the bank’s ad manager, get in touch with the student newspaper at the school and arrange to run some ads with banner headlines reading, STUDENTS WELCOME, plus such services as NO SERVICE CHARGE, FREE CUSTOM-PRINTED CHECKS, INTEREST ON THE BALANCE, NO MINIMUM BALANCE, and so on. Offer to give away free albums or Walkman radios. The day after the “bank’s” ad runs they will be swamped with unwanted students, who are going to be very angry at the bank (and probably at the student newspaper).

Modern banks now have cash machines where you insert your plastic money card and the machine gives you the money. If that institution or its machine has become your target, here’s a dairyland delight you could easily employ. Take some tough, hard cheese and cut it the same size and shape as your plastic card. Insert the cheese “card” into the slot of the machine and leave the area. One banker told me it took a service person nine hours to clean the machine and get it operating again when someone pulled this stunt in Baltimore.

The bank still giving you trouble, or you didn’t give them enough? It’s time to move things up the scale a notch. Rent a safe-deposit box under another name. Pay cash for a three-month rental. That’s all the time you’ll need to collect on this one. Go to the market and buy a couple of overripe fish–I’m sure you’ll get a bargain price. Carry them wrapped in plastic in your briefcase. Go directly to your safe deposit box. In the privacy of the bank’s little cubicle, unwrap the fish and lay the big, stinky suckers right in the safety deposit box. Close it, lock it, and store it. Then carry the fish wrappers, briefcase, and yourself out of the bank. In a few days your deposit will gain their intrest. You’d better do your real banking at another institution for a while. It’s quite possible bank officials will have to hire someone to drill the lock on the targeted safe-deposit box to remove the contents.

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