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You’re walking along a pedestrian sidewalk, and along comes a bicyclist, churning away his/her spare calories on that nonpolluting transportaion device. Within moments you’re an involuntary participant in a game of chicken with that cyclist, who swerves while you weave. You finally pass each other in good dodgeum-car fashion. Maybe. Wonderful stuff, adrenaline.

On the other cheek, maybe you’ve been blindsided by an irresponsible cyclist trespassing on your pedestrian walk right of way.

“No more turning the other cheek,” is the war cry of Mel Scafe, an anticyclist who is fighting back.

“I’ve declared war on all two wheelers who trespass into my life,” Mel says. “I’ll get the senior citizen bicyclist who forces me off my sidewalk on the same day I get even with the teenage dirt biker who tears up the hill behind my home.”

One of Mel’s tatics is to toss a length of chain into the spokes of the dirt bike when it’s roaring by. Instantly, the bike stops going forward while the rider continues onward until gravity takes over.

“I’ve also used a wire cutter to snip the spokes on a bicycle whose owner has done me a disfavor,” Mel relates. “That’ll cause a real collapse in his biking game.”

Another time he spread a large patch of grease on the path used by dirt bikers.

He can’t even estimate the pounds of air he’s released from captivity in bike tires. He’s used all the nasty engine additives mentioned in another file for these machines that disturb his world.

“I liked that Burt Reynolds movie where the truck driver drove his rig over all those goddamn motorcycles,” Mel grinned. Turning seriously, he added, “I’ve thought about the old World War II trick of stretching piano or barbed wire across a trail or bikeway, but I think that could be fatal, so I don’t really do it.”

“If there were some way I could totally kill the damn machines and only embarrass the people a bit I’d surely like to hear about it. Until then I will stick to the old standards that have worked for me so far.”

He adds, “I know people may sneer at me for being mean to kiddies on their bicycles, and I know bicycles are an in thing today. But maybe if those young riders learn some manners early and stay the hell off pesestrian walkways, they might grow up to be decent people.”

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