Our same reformed politican from New Hampshire wishes to share some literary fun. If you have any marks who can read, provide them with free bookmarks.
If your mark has a fine library, you might consider introducing it to silverfish. They love good books; in fact they will devour them. If you feel this nasty, you probably already know where to get silverfish and their eggs. This one bothers me, though, since I love good books. Maybe there’s a better way. Perhaps you could put an earwig in you mark’s bed pillow.
Our contributor suggests very thin slices of cheese or cold cuts (salami is great) between the pages. This will work well for the mark who has shelves of unread books just for the ego-image they afford him. In addition to their use as weapons themselves, books contain lots of ammunition to be fired at your marks.
Did anyone ever borrow a book from you and not return it? Our private library consultant, Roberta Russell, has a suggestion with an air of financial finality behind it. For the first step, a printer should make you about three or four dozen bookplates, all featuring your mark’s name and address, plus the legend, “If this book is lost and you find it and return it, I will pay you $10 cash.” Your next step is the local Goodwill Industries, a local thrift or second-hand shop, or a garage sale for books. Buy two or three dozen used hardcover books. You buy them as cheaply as you can, but they’ll cost your mark plenty. Your next step is to paste on the bookplates and distribute these books–at the beach, on park benches, in a bus or subway, or in a bar or restaurant. The final step is for you to enjoy a good chuckle at your mark’s expense, as people find the “lost” books.
Why not give your mark the image of a philathropic person? Donate books in his/her name to the local library, but without either party’s knowledge. Buy a bunch of really scuzzy porno paperbacks, especially the colorfully illustrated ones from Denmark–the more grossly hardcore, the better. Your printer will produce some paste-in bookplates that say something like this, “This book donated to the [Name] library by [Mark’s name] in loving memory of all the sweet children of [Town name].” Paste in the bookplates and sprinkle the donated books around the local library. Put some in the children section, and others in the religion books.
What follows is a collection of books with themes, ideas and thoughts to help the neophyte Hayduker. These books are especially good friends:
1) Hoffman, E.J. Nitration of Toluene. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
Want to make your own TNT? This reprint of a turn-of-the-century manual from the U.S. Bureau of Mines gives you a step-by-step cookbook to adding nitric acid to toluene.
2) Horvitz, Simeon L. Legal Protection for Today’s Consumer. Dubuque, IA: Kendall Hunt, 1981.
A grand workbook, and inspiration tome for folks interested in effectively using consumer protection legislation and available myriad legal emedies.
3) Kneitel, Tom. Top Secret Registry of U.S. Government Radio Frequencies. Commack, N.Y: CRB Research, 1985.
4) Peterson, Bozo and Hendrick, J.G.The Roadkill Cookery Book. Phoenix: Hillard-Townsend Frist Mate Press, 1985.
5) Tayacan (pseudo). Psychological Operations in Guerrilla Warfare. Washington: Central Intelligence Agency, 1984.
Despite being the Company’s famed assassination how-to boo-boo of the ’80s, this nifty number has some other mind-fornicating tricks in it that can be adapted by a creative Hayduker. See your tax dollars at work for you.
6) Thomas, Ralph D. Physical Surveillance Manual. Boulder: Paladin Press, 1984.
This is an excellent handbook by a very professional private investigator. He gives detailed instructions on gathering a lot of information on any subject, aka, your mark.
7) Weingard, George. Pyrotechnics. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
Making your own fireworks for use against your enemies can be fun and probably safer than trying to smuggle them. This is a reprint of a rare 1947 “how-to” book that tells and shows you how to make all sorts of fun things.
8) Worthen, K.J. Preserving the Dead: The Art and Science of Embalming. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
This is a reprint of a fairly grotesque and tacky book. The content aside, I can see some delightful uses for the art and science described herein. It might also make a thoughtful gift for someone you hate.