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We have edited this saggy dog tale into a short, sweet stunt. Barney says to get some blood-inflated ticks and chocolate-coat candy them. Let them ripen a week. Serve them to your mark. They burst in the mark’s mouth, not in your hand.

Bothersome Burt is happy to be a rotten egg during the Easter holiday season as he points out that candy eggs make a nice mark target. He says to slice off the top of the candy egg, leaving it still encased in the foil. Remove the sweet contents of the candy egg and replace with any sort of vile concoction. Burt says not to use liquids, though, as they leak.

The imagination almost goes into overload, however, thinking of all the disgusting solids and mushy things you can plant in there before you close it back up and gently melt the chocolate seam together again. Then squeeze the foil shut and serve.

More Candy Revenge Ideas

Every home or office has candy thieves… the folks who say, “oh, I really shouldn’t but…” The worst ones, though, are those silent sneakers who empty your candy box while your back is turned. Here is a little appetizer for them. Collect dead insects from dusty window sills. Cover the little corpses with chocolate and put them in with the real candy. Bon appetit.

This one may take some getting used to, and you may not want to even read it…it’s pretty yukky. But, it came in and is sworn to as true by the perpetrator. It shows me how far people will go when they are frustrated or screwed over by someone else. Our source here is a man who wants to call himself The Phantom from Whitman’s Samplers. You’ll see the cogency in a moment.

Mr. Phantom got fired without cause by his very rotten boss, but only after the young employee set up the system of accounting which would save the company a lot of money. After the employee set up the system and explained it, the boss fired him and turned it over to his wife to operate. Wives don’t have to be paid, I guess.

Mr. Phantom’s revenge was, ahh, sweet. Here’s his story.

“My ex-boss was having a party for some of his equally crass friends. I decided to send along a present of my own `homemade candy; which I had an ally, a friendly bartender, slip into the party. I made sure my present was done up all nicely in a Whitman Sampler box with real candy. Here’s how I prepared that gift.

“Several nights before the party I ate six ears of corn for dinner…nothing else. Later that evening, I ate two apples ( a great source of pectin). The next morning I moved my bowels into a plastic bag. I allowed the feces to dry in the sun for two days. Wearing rubber gloves, I cut that dried block into small squares the size of cherries. They were semihard with whole kernels of corn running through them, a decidedly disgusting visual effect.

“Then, I melted four large bars of milk chocolate in a double boiler, and, not unlike a fondue, I gently covered the feces pieces with the delectable milk chocolate.

“When they were dry, I wrapped each one in the golden foil that the original chocolate-covered cherries come wrapped in. I filled the box and resealed it.”

According to Mr. Phantom, the bartender said the “gift” was devoured for a few moments until one guest finally spit out a piece of “candy.” Within two minutes, there was not enough bathroom space to accomodate eighteen gastrically ill guests involuntarily intent upon regurgitating.

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