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Dr. Doyle Conan, our medical adviser, said to mention gentian violet as a great helper. Officially, it is a powdered substance used for washing laboratory slides. But a problematic side effect is that is stains the skin a rich shade of purple and is nearly impossible to wash off. According to Dr. Conan, it takes a week of repeated scrubbing to remove the stain.

“The stuff is nontoxic, so you can put it in a spraying device to annoint offending animals, children, ex-lovers, etc.,” Dr. Conan claims.

Conjuring up an old experience from the Hayduke Depository of Rotten Things I’ve Done to Deserving Folks, a friend and I had gotten some gentian violet one summer and sprinkled the powder on some snooty bitches as they lay sunning their vain bodies around a country club swimming pool. A combination of perperation, oil, and heat caused the powder to stick. As the light staining began, the young ladies raced to the pool to wash off the offending and spreading color. I leave the rest to your imagination.

[Does anyone remember the staining scene in Private Benjamin? I THINK this is where they got the idea!]

You remember the book *Black Like Me*? Credit silver nitrate, also known as lunar castic, for the ability to blacken one’s skin. According to the Rev. J. Richard Young, one ounce of this in a standard bottle of sun tan oil will cause the mark’s affected parts to turn quite black for several days. It is also highly soluble in warm water, which can be sprayed.

I once knew a hospital orderly in the service who used it on a truly racist solder whose waking moments were spent cursing blacks. The orderly gave the bigot a sponge bath with a solution containing a good dose of silver nitrate. In a day the man’s bolor went from Redneck to ethnic Dark. A nurse in on the gag told him his last blood transfusion had been donated be a solder of the Negro persuasion. In never changed the bigot’s mentality, but it surely blew his mind for a few days.

Another reader who used silver notrate was Marie from New Orleans, who said whe mixed it into some shaving cream owned by a friend who had done her an injustice. It worked just fine, as she reports with a chuckle about his unwanted man tan.

A nasty chemical known as copper sulfate is deadly poisonous to aquatic life, as any sportsman knows. Farmers know it is also very injurous to trees. If, for some ungodly reason, you want to kill someone’s aquatic life or trees, this stuff will do the trick. Two pounds dumped into a pond will do the job, while four ounces poured around the drip line – the outer edge of the leaves of any given tree – will murder the tree. Personally, I’d rather hurt people than fish or trees.

The canny Rev. J. Richard Young offers a fantastic tear gas substitute for nasty dogs, cats, rats, bats, kids, and for use during domestic spats. Go to a chemical supply house and buy Formaldehyde 97%. Tell them your kid has a big insect collection or something. Put it in a nasal spray bottle and fire away. It will temporarily knock the socks off anything hit in the face with it.

It’s no lie, says Herb Bobwander, that lye is a great tool for the trickster. Herb suggests you wrap some lye in a newspaper, fasten it with rubber bands, then drop or throw this projectile onto your mark’s car roof, roof gutters, or other areas you want to be eaten through. The lye will ruin paint, eat holes in soft metals, plus stain paint and kill vegitation. Now that’s what I call the right stuff.

More Revenge Ideas with Chemicals

Here’s something from one of my friend. He says that hydrogen sulfide (H2S) is the gas that gives rotten eggs their wonderful odor. High school chemistry classes use this gas for research. You can obtain small, open ended glass vials of a compound that when heated produces volumes of H2S.

While these vials are supposed to be in chemistry experiments, you could use them to experiment on your mark’s automobile manifold, wood stove, radiator or some other spot in which heat is generated. Get the vials from a chemical supply shop.

The ingredients in crystallized drain cleaner are very versatile (See “Auto” section). You can also toss an open can of this product in the mark’s swimming pool – if it contains water. Dumping a canful into a washer during the final rinse is spectacular, too.

Remember our old friend ipecac from my first book? It can also be self-administrated if you want to make a mark’s restaurant, for example, very nervous about your illness. Here’s how it works. Eat a colorful portion of your meal. Go into the restroom and swallow the contents of a very small container (one ounce or less) of a vomit-inducer that contains ipecac. Cut the plastic bottle up into pieces and flush them down the commode. Flush twice more to be sure. Go back out and resume your meal. In about ten minutes you will be wracked by projectile vomiting.

Be creative and use all your acting ability here to get maximum splatter and mass audience effect. According to a pamplet distributed by the International Brotherhood of Barfing Engineers, a good way to do this is “to move erratically and quickly among the other diners as you appear to be headed toward the bathroom. Your real objective, of course, is to strafe as many people as possible with your vomitus.

“This is a grand way to mess up someone’s home or get back at a restaurant or other mark that made you literally ill in one form or the another. Advice: Try a dry run (no pun) first so you see how you can handle this self-administered ipecac attack. Normally, the real thing is over in about five minutes and you’ll have no aftereffects. Now, let’s move on from puking to planting, or rather, unplanting.

Even though your local K-Mart sells OK weed-killers and other commercial herbicides, you can get even better and more efficient vegetation wasters at farm supply stores. A fine gentleman known as the King of Lexington offers the advice that many splendid plant-killer chemicals are available there. Being an old farm boy, he’d know.

“An example of an easily available and safe herbicide is Monsanto’s Round-Up which can be aerially applied to a mark’s lawn or garden by water balloon, or you can use a sprayer to write nasty words or whole messages if you have the space,” our monarch notes.

Meanwhile, moving to the fabric section, it’s nice to learn that methyl violet will permanently stain clothing. A little of it in any laundry soap will go a long way in ruining your mark’s wardrobe. According to Tanya of Long Beach, a box of Rit or Tintex dye will also. This is a grand idea for apartment laundry rooms where your mark is regular.

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