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Classified Ads

Classified advertisements in your local newspaper are inexpensive little bullets that can cause major wounds to the mark’s psyche if properly aimed. For instance, suppose you had a score to settle with some bitchy neighbors. You could insert Classified Ads to “sell” their automobile. Price it five hundred dollars less than market value, instruct callers to call after midnight (shift work is the explanation you can offer), and explain in the ad that quick cash is needed for an emergency. That will bring in the phone calls.

You can also put your mark’s house up for sale in Classified Ads. Again, ask potential customers to either call or visit at hours that will be very inconvenient to the mark.

The “personals” in newspapers can provide even more fun. Maybe your mark ought to advertise for “young boy and girl models to pose for ‘art’ pictures.” You should use his/her home or business telephone here for return calls, whichever would cause more difficulty for the mark.

Placing ads is a snap. Most newspapers let you do it right over the phone, and most of the ad people I’ve talked to say they rarely verify a classified ad. Take a tip from that and don’t make it outlandish. As with any practical joke, there has to be a credible amount of reality to the premise for the sting to work.

While you’re thinking of newspapers, don’t foget those sexy tabloids and their really gross cousins that let readers advertise all sorts of weird sex things. I don’t know whether any of that is on the level, but it’s worth finding out–in your mark’s name, of course. Maybe you’ll be doing him/her a favor. But somehow I doubt it–there’s no such thing as a free lunch.

You might help the mark share his new friends’ sexual talents. Place an ad in one of the target audience magazines–the publication that runs very explicit and very honest classifieds. If you’re not sure, contact a local sympathizer and ask him/her for help.

You might write you ad copy like this:

“Soft white male aged 35 wants to play with black lady with large buttocks. Bi-couples welcomed for Greek and French culture.”

You can really make bondage and S/M optional, depending upon reality, the publication, its audience, and your mark. You really ought to study the target publication before you word the ad. The kicker is that you will register the mark as the sponsor of the classified ad. Read a section of this book that tells you about using a neighbor’s address and the mark’s name before you get started.

If you decide to run kinky Classified Ads for your mark in SCREW, BALL, and whatever, be sure you get some copies of the issue in which the ad runs. That way you can send originals or Xerox copies to the mark’s neighbors, relatives, business associates, and friends. Enclose a brief note asking how they can even admit knowing such a perverted person. Offer to pray for them. You could use the name and address of another friend, neighbor, or business associate as the return address for this note.

Help your mark out of the closet by running Classified Ads announcement ad in homosexual publications. Have her/him grandly and proudly announce that he or she is gay and has dated and/or married only for cover. Now, he/she is coming out and telling the world she/he has taken a lover–and name a friend, neighbor, or business associate as that lover. Libelous? Yes, it is. Don’t get caught.

Using Classified Ads, Bill Colbeley had an auction for one of his many marks. He followed the usual auction format to prepare the newspaper ad, then ran it when the mark and his family were away for a weekend. The ad was one of those “Job transfer–everything must go–fanstastic bargains” types so normal to an industrial community. But let Sweet Old Bill tell the rest of his story:

“I set the time of the auction for 7:00 A.M., so that just as the sleepy mark was rolling out of the sack about that hour, he looks out on his yard and sees about three hundred salesgoers out there trampling all over his lawn, garden, and flowers. It took an hour for the mark and the police he called to get the crowd out of there.”

Although it’s not strictly a classified advertisement, the little index-card notices that people place on bulletin boards in bars, supermarkets, laundromats, and other public places are great ways to harass your mark. Just about anything you can use in a newspaper can be used on these more personal notices. But the advantages are, they don’t cost anything but the time required to prepare and post them, and you can be a lot more wordy, descriptive, and personal than you can with a newspaper advertisement. Folks seem to read these very regularly too, as I know from my personal use of this community advertising medium with legitimate messages.

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