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Convenience Stores

If you’d like to add a secondary mark to your revenge on a guilty convenience store, enjoy this idea sent along by Sam Stein, a Connecticut Hayduker with a great sense of humor. Sam says to call the store and have them set aside about ten copies of today’s newspaper and hold them for _________ (secondary mark’s name). If the papers arrive at 2:00pm, call about 3:30, as this will give them time to sell most copies and be down to the last ones for rush-hour traffic commuters. In any case, when you gather your intelligence, note numbers of papers and times sold so you are sure to reserve the last copies.

You tell the clerk that you’ll pick up your copies within the hour as you’re coming from work. By 5:30, the salesclerk usually calls the mark’s home. If he or she is home, the clerk may complain, but usually, they’ll get things straightened out. If the mark’s not home, it works even better.

Call the clerk back around 6:30 and say you were delayed in traffic and are still intending to pick up the newspapers. Tell the clerk you’ll be there by 7:00. The clerk will probably raise hell. Try innocence. Blame “your brother” for answering tyour phone at home, playing a joke on him/her, and of course you want the papers. Be adamant.

Call the store at 7:30 and tell the clerk you don’t want the papers anymore because the news is all old. The clerk will really raise hell now. You should get abusive. Repeat who is calling. Use the mark’s name often and threaten the clerk.

Other things you can tell the clerk are that you’ll trash the store, burn it down, burn his or her car, or torture him/her. If the clerk threatens to call the police, tell him to go ahead and try. Say you’ll be down there in three minutes to kill him *and* the “gawddamn pig-cops.”

Within moments, the police will be rushing Code 3 to your mark’s home in swarms with all lights and sirens blearing. Sam says that if the cops don’t show because the clerk failed to call, then visit the store that night and toss a brick through the window or dump the mark’s garbage in the store or on the sidewalk (see *Garbage*). Then, start the entire process over again.

More Payback Ideas for Convenience Stores

There has been a disturbing trend across the U.S. where local right-think Bible thumpers are blackmailing convenience store management into banning harmless magazines from their shelves. For instance, in the East, the Sheetz chain of quickie stops banned such horrible publications as Playboy because a group of religious loonies threatened to boycott them. In other parts of the country, 7/11 stores fell to the same pressure from these mindless slimeballs.

Enough idiotorializing (editorials about idiots), let’s do something. For that, I call on our dynamic duo, Filthy McNasty and his fine friends Vera, for help. Here’s their plan.

Locate the most disgusting pictures you can find. Use your imagination to locate something that will disgust everyone, even farm animals. Reproduce this photograph on the type of advertising flyer that stores put under windshield wipers of cars parked in large shopping malls. Along with the photo, put some advertising slogans like “You can’t beat our meat,” or “Get your rocks off here,” or, “If you think this looks like fun, ask our clerk about the daily special.” Then, include in large type the name of the store you want to Hayduke.

Don’t feel sorry for the store. These gutless wimps surrendered to our enemy in the battle for freedom. Freedom of our minds is far too valuable to surrender to some evil bluenose wearing his hypocritical God-squad mask.


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