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Now that the feds have outlawed fireworks, you’d better save all the M80s you can find. Extremely versatile devices, M80s are excellent propellants for other substances. For example, this stunt started out as a dorm prank at Clapper Packer University but soon escalated into more deadly sport, which went like this. Put some fresh feces, the looser the bettter, into a large Baggie. Gently break the glass on a large-wattage lightbulb, but do not disturb the filament. Even more gently attach the filament to the fuse of the M80. Screw the bulb carefully back into a ceiling socket. Finally, move the bag of feces up and around the light fixture. Be certain the fuse and filament do not touch the feces, but see that the M80 is into the substance. Tape the bag to the ceiling.

Naturally, all this presupposes you have access to the mark’s room or to a room where the mark is likely to be the one who comes in and turns on the light. One cautionary note: Be sure the light switch is off when you screw in the bulb. If it’s not, you have about four seconds to avoid getting nasty coverage from the M80’s blast. Done correctly, this is a spectacular stunt. As the designer of this one, George Dierk adds, “You don’t have to limit your spatter substance to feces. Paint, cheap perfume, acid, and CS gas all have their place.”

Gun powder has a lot of uses in addition to filling up a portion of cartridges. If your mark has an outdoor barbecue, you could sprinkle a cup of old-fashioned black powder around the bottom of the grill. When the powder ignites it will do so with a huge, whooshy flash, accompanied by a great white cloud of smelly smoke. I would hate to imagine the multiple effects of such a pyrotechnical display on one of those fancy grills powdered by LP gas. Wow!

Don’t let your imagination rest with the cookout grill. Remember fireplaces, wood stoves, ovens, etc. The experts suggest you use black powder rather than the more modern smokeless powders. Black powder really works!

If you can’t get a regular smoke-bomb device, a smoke grenade, or something real from the military, make your own. According to Doctor Abraham Hoffman, the noted chemist, you combine four parts sugar to six-parts saltpeter (potassium nitrate). You heat this mixture over a very low flame until it starts to blend into a plastic substance. When it begins to gel, remove it from the heat and allow it to cool. He suggests you stick a few wooden match heads into the mass while it’s still pliable. You also add a fuse at this point. The smoke device is nonexplosive and nonflammable. But a pound of this mixture will produce enough thick smoke to cover a city block. Watch which way the wind blows.

John E Warrenburger likes to mess up people’s nervous systems. One of his favorite nonlethal tricks involving nonexplosives is a good bit of cardiac theater.

John says, “I bundle a few of those road flares — the ones in the red jackets — together and wrap them with black plastic tape. Connect this with some coiled wiring to a ticking alarm clock and place it so your mark will get the full visual and aural effect.”

Applause, applause, John. Only God and the mark’s launderer will know how dastardly the frightening effect of the bogus bomb is on the mark’s nervous system.

More Explosive Payback Ideas

Pume sodium is banned from commercial aircraft because it becomes extremely reactive when it comes in contact with water in any form. Pume phosphorous, its neighbor, is also not allowed on aircraft because it will ignite spontaneously in air about 85oF. These two facts are from the lessons of Dr. Foge Football, George Hayduke Professor of Chemistry at Zambotti University. They are for your personal use.

It is getting tougher and harder for decent, good, solid citizens to buy fireworks, either legally or otherwise. If it’s tough for them, think what it is for the like of you and me! That’s where Filthy McNasty comes to out blow-it-yourself rescue.

Filthy wants you to try his recipe for making your own M-80s to be used in various gags. He says this is the best method he ever heard of and believe me, Filthy is an expert.

“To make the M-80s, you need precut casing stock three-fourths of an inch inside diameter by half an inch inside diameter, the green style of M-80 safety fuse, potassium perchlorate, German black aluminum powder, half-inch end plugs, and glue,” says Filthy.

“First, cut the casing stock into casings one and a half inches long. Plug one end with a half-inch end plug and glue. Allow to dry. Punch a one-eighth inch hole in the center of the side of the casing and insert a three-inch piece of safety fuse. Secure with a drop of glue and allow to dry. Repeat for as many casings as you want.

“Now it’s time to mix the powder. In a coffee can, mix seven parts of potassium perchlorate and three parts of the German black aluminum powder. But, please wear some type of face mask and heavy gloves while doing this for your own safety.

“When you’ve mixed the two chemicals thoroughly, the powder is done. Keep it in the coffee can, covered, until needed. These parts are measured by grams, so a decent gram scale should be used. Get a good one. It’s worth it in the long run,” Filthy adds.

“Fill each casing about three-quarters full with the powder and glue in the other end plug. Allow to dry. The finished M-80s can now be painted and waterproofed. To waterproof, simply rub some paraffin wax on the casing and the ends. This isn’t really necessary but is a good idea.”

These M-80s are really very powerful, so caution is advised. Enjoy!

All of these items are sold by Westech and are of excellent quality (See *Sources*).

A small amount of crushed iodine crystals is the starter for a fine contact explosive. According to the Rev. J. Richard Young, cover the crushed crystals with a few ounces of nondetergent household ammonia or use ammonium hydroxide. Let it all sit for ten minutes, then pour off the liquid. You must then store this crystal explosive in a well-stoppered vial out of sunlight and at a temperature below 100oF. Heat and sunlight cause rapid deterioration. According to the reverend, this will store actively for months in your freezer.

It is a noisy and relatively safe explosive. But, it must be dry to blow. For example, you could break off the graphite on the end of a pencil, then coat the pencil end with the explosive. When someone sharpens this pencil, there will be a BOOM. Dab a small amount on light switches, door knobs, or sprinkle it on floors. But use small amounts so nobody is physically injured. Damp or soiled pants we don’t care about.

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