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Farm Animals

If your mark is an oily cuss with a credibility problem, you could easily pull off this stunt suggested by good old country boy Emil Connally. It involves a cop, reporters, SPCA folk, and some farm animals.

According to Connally, here’s how it works. You have two marks. The prime one is a farm owner with the credibility problem. We’ll call him Mr. Big. The secondary mark is a cop who’s made an enemy of you. In this case, pick one of your local Attila the Hun cops, because he’s a bully and his ego for a bust will get in the way of his grain-sized brain.

Call the cop–try for his home phone even if it’s unlisted–and tell him you know about a cock or dog fight that’s being held at Mr. Big’s farm. Explain you have no morals against animal fighting (build your own macho image) but you lost big money the last time and you think the fights are fixed. Mention drugs and booze, too. Next, call Mr. Big and tell him you’re an anonymous political ally who wants to warn him about some people holding dog or cock fights on his farm. Call reporters and the SPCA and tell them about the fight. Tell them that Mr. Big and the cop have a payoff relationship. Give everyone the same general arrival time…never be too specific.

If all goes well, all will sort of show up at roughly the same time. You might manipulate things so the press and animal lovers show up first. Even if a real story doesn’t develop, you have scattered some strong seeds of distrust.

There is a variation if you want a stronger story. Kill and mutilate a dog or rooster, then bury it for several days before you set up your animal-fight scenario at Mr. Big’s place. Tell the reporters and the SPCA where the evidence is buried. It will be fun to hear the two marks talk about these things to the other parties. Maybe there’s a story here after all.

Dead animals are so useful. Don’t you agree? A nefarious lady known only as Hong Kong Hattie once waited until her mark went to the airport to depart on a business trip. Then, using the nefarious methods for which she is so famous, Hattie got to the mark’s car in the airport parking lot and go the lock opened. She then stuffed a large and very dead groundhog into the glove compartment. Hattie then locked the car and strolled away. Reportedly, the mark sold his car at quite a financial loss just a few days after getting back from his business trip.

One of the plagues for newspaper deliverers is barking, biting dogs that attack both kids and their bicycles. Tom Frickert, today a newspaper magnate but once a paperboy, has a solution.

“A good-quality plastic water pistol filled with freshly squeezed lemon juice is the ticket,” Frickert says with a chuckle. “You shoot the felanious furball right in the eyes, and it’ll soon stop the canine harassment.

“I once shot a big, nasty cur with the juice, and he never bothered me again…used to hide under his masters porch whenever I came down the sidewalk to deliver the paper.”

If your neighbor’s constantly yowling and howling dog bothers you, congratulations, you’re normal. But unlike most who sit and suffer, you can call the local SPCA and tell them how the neighbor mistreats the animal. Hold your phone near the window so the SPCA can hear the “evidence” right from the source.

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