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Bob from Everett, Washington has a twist to the trick of writing your mark’s (or his spouse’s or sweetie’s) name on restroom walls. Bob says to put just the phone number and no name, or use the real number and a made-up name. That last touch will make the spouse suspicious about extracurricular activites.

One of the goals the true graffiti artist strives for is permanency. You inscribe a message, and some diddlesquat civil servant or his lackey comes along and somehow covers or removes it. The Marquis de Amway has discovered a very good way to make graffiti last a lot longer on the job. Here’s his idea.

“Let’s say that someone has burned you, messed up your car, or otherwise marred your person or property, and you want to graffiti them back, but in a way that the message will stick. If so, you’re tuned to the right guy. Pay attention now.

“Get a piece of paper and spell out `UP YOURS!’ [Plug] or `YOUR WIFE SUCKS,’ or some other very rude, personal grossity, using comet or Ajax cleanser to spell the message. Then spray over the whole thing with right guard, english leather, or any of those sprays that will burn. Test them first. You can also use charcoal lighter or lighter fluid if you want to.

“Go to the home of the person you want to get back at, and tape the message paper to the floor, wall, even onto his car, or wherever you want the message to appear. Next spray a stream of lighter fluid leading away from the paper, sort of like a fuse. Light that fuse and run like hell.

“WHOOSH, the paper blows up insatntly, but there’s no fire danger because everything just sort of disintegrates. But the cleanser chemically etches your rotten message onto whatever you stuck it to so well that it will never come off.

“There it is, your message, etched on pernamently.”

“We’ve tried it, and this stuff will work on concrete, brick, tile, wood, anywhere. You can `say’ anything to anyone this way, and it will be damn near pernament,” the Marquis de Amway tells me.

If it is inconvenient for you to write your graffiti on the spot, you can always use Avery labels, those adhesive-backed units that people use to address envelopes and so on. You can be as gross as you wish, and it takes only a few seconds to stick them into place. They are hard to remove, too.

More Graffiti Revenge Ideas

Obviously, graffiti are very useful little musings from the walls of toilets, walls, buses, overpasses, etc., and make up the philosophy of America’s street scholars. You can use graffiti as a weapon and spray-paint on something belonging to your mark.

According to our veteran contributor Geneth, paint pens are the best invention for graffiti artists since walls. Geneth says you should always buy the large size, too, as it lasts longer and is cheaper. Paint pens do a neater job and are easier to hide than cans of spray paint.

When the politically controlled Nuclear Regulatory Agency was ordered from the White House to light up Three Mile Island by starting the reactors, some dissident friends of your author scribbled some large painted noticed on bridges and other natural billboards along the Pennsylvania Turnpike: “HERSHEY, PA: IT MELTS INTO THE GROUND, NOT IN YOUR HAND.”

Here are some prime examples of specific graffiti you can use:
  • To all Virgins – thanks for nothing!
  • When I want your advice, I’ll beat it out of you.
  • When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking (doping)
  • When all else fails, lower your standards
  • I survived Catholic schools
  • It’s not pretty being easy
  • Life is a bitch, then you die
  • Reality is for people who lack imagination
  • A woman’s place is in the mall
  • Cocaine is God’s way of telling you that you’re making too much money
  • When God made man she was only funning
  • Yuck Fou
  • We’ll get along better as soon as you realize I am god
  • Real men don’t have floppy discs
  • Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
  • Life is too important to be taken seriously
  • Get stoned, drink wet cement
  • I love the immoral minority

A Perfect Graffiti Revenge

Contrary to popular belief, some people — usually the creepy ones you want for this stunt — do call names and numbers found in bar restrooms. Harvey Rankin and Festerwald Ray proved this premise in their study SCRAWL ON THE WALL. What you learn from them is that you should write you mark’s spouse’s first name and phone number and a boldly stated sexual attraction (use your imagination) in every restroom of every bar in town. Biker and jock bars are usually the best.

As a follow-up, you can tune in your tape deck to a pop country song, call the number yourself, and sound drunk. If you’re lucky, the mark will answer. Tell the mark why you’re calling and where you got the name and number. It is hoped that you’ll be the only ringer among a large crowd of real callers.

Commercial graffiti are available in a form known as billboards and posters. You could have posters or billboards printed to announce your mark’s coming out of the homosexual closet. Or your bogus billboard could announce a conservative political candidate’s personal advocacy of gun control, gay rights, blacks, Chicanos, abortion, etc. Your political candidate may actually support busing. If so, you billboard for him should indicate his violent opposition to it. And so on.

Bumper stickers are another form of graffiti. You can get bogus ones printed in the same manner as billboards and posters. Or you can use legitimate purposes, such as slapping strongly adhesive bumper stickers that champion your political canidate — mark to the painted rear-deck surfaces of automobiles in a shopping-mall lot. It might be fun sometime to sit around thinking up other creatively rotten things you could do with bumper stickers to get even with someone.

For example, you could get bumper stickers printed that say, GAY IS GREAT…TRY IT, and place these on the automobiles of local bikers, right wingers, clergy, and others who feel threatened by homosexuals. You could get bumper stickers that say, HONK IF YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE TOO, and put them on the autos of marks whom you feel are qualified. BAN HANDGUNS or HUNT HUNTERS bumper stickers go great on the property of redneck gun nuts. Or put NRA FOREVER! and JUST TRY TO TAKE MY GUN AWAY! on the property of the simple and misguided wimps who really think gun control serves any useful purpose.

Other fun bumper stickers can say things like, BEER DRINKERS GET MORE HEAD; SUCK MY TAILPIPE; HONK IF YOU’RE HORNY; HOORAY FOR THE KKK; or DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES. Stickers featuring swastikas or Soviet flags can also be used creatively.

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