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Grave Sites

If you really want to spook some primary or secondary mark, mess with the burial site of an appropriate, symbolic, but dead mark. Maybe that one could be referred to as the markee. In any case, Dick Smegma has the answer to this grave question.

He says to pour sulphuric or hydrochloric acid on the grass atop of the markee’s site. It will kill vegetation more quickly than standard herbicides. I can think of all sorts of fun, secondary things you could add to this stunt to make it really twilight-zone time. I bet you can, too. Desmond Dosdose is fifty-three years old and has been a hard worker for the past thirty-four years, totally loyal to his company. He was ordered into early retirement at less than a justified amount after his employer sold out for a huge profit within two hours of pledging to employees he would not sell out if they would agree to a wage giveback of 30 percent. The “clever” owner did this to make his business a more attractive sales package. He sold and ran.

Viewing his professional death as being worth a fun, live one, Desmond sought a trusted friend in another state who had another friend who was a stone mason. Some dollars changed hands and a very realistic tombstone was created in the name of the former business owner who’d lied to and cheated his 175 employees. The name and date of birth were correct. The date of death was two months in advance.

The tombstone was photographed and made into postcards. These were sent to the boss who was now “retired” in Florida. A copy was sent to his wife who was still in the Northeast, selling the house and joining him later. In the meantime, the original tombstone was planted in the front lawn of the business.

Would you believe it spooked the new owners enough that final signings were delayed six months, which made it necessary for the former owner to make four very expensive trips back.

In the meantime, several people from all over the U.S., friends of our hero, began to call both the mark and his wife every few days saying, “Only _____ days left to live. Are you ready to die? How does it feel to be a dead man?”

OK, enough light humor, it’s back to heavy time. If you really want to shatter your mark, as in “do the sucker in,” here you go. Borrow some very uninhibited friends, truck them to the gravesite of your mark’s close family. Using a Polaroid camera, have your associates perform sexual and scatological acts up the grave site and stone, then mail the photos to your mark.

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