Barcelona Blom seems like a nice enough guy. He was kind enough to write me a letter explaining how he moonlights as an interior decorator.
Join me as I share some of his professional suggestions. “I had a guy at work who really screwed me a couple times on borrowed money and was nasty and gloaty about it. I got the biggest Mason jar I could find and filled it with samples of paint, wood stains, glues, old motor oil, ketchup, animal blood, puke and all sorts of nasty crap.
Nothing fancy, I just put the lid on, drove it over to the mark’s place about 3 a.m. and heaved it through his big picture window right into his fancy living room. About a week later at work he was bitching about his megabuck cleaning bill and that he had no idea who’d be sick enough to do such a thing. I did, but I kept my mouth shut.”
Do a good deed on behalf of your mark’s diet. A bead of superglue around that rubber gasket strip on the household refrigerator door will help the door stay shut and protect the mark from the munchies. See? Not all stunts are totally horrible.
Sherry of Palm Springs has a true vandal’s way of getting back at somebody’s furniture when the host/hostess or furniture has been nasty to her.
For instance, she says if they have a beanbag char, she makes a small slice in it with her razor-knife. Or, she makes several slices. The weight of the next occupant and gravity will carry this stunt to completion.
As a journeyman painter, Skull introduces us to a fine product known as “Fix Quick” or “Fix All,” depending upon the brand name. It is used to fix deep cracks in drywall or wood. Skull says it can be used to fix creeps as well.
These products come in powdered form to be mixed with water. What might happen if the water you mixed the powder in was in your mark’s toilet bowl at the time? Or, pour some of this magic powder into a garbage disposal, sink, drain or washer. Add a bit of water and within fifteen minutes the stuff expands and become hard as Sheetrock.
By the way, those little plastic bubble paints that some hobby stores carry team up very well with a heavy-duty, field-model slingshot to do some colorful damage to all sorts of property. This helpful household hint comes from interior decorating hobbyist Mac Barfo.
One more vengeful story
All sorts of things have homes — snails, snakes, groundhogs, weasels, Japanese beetles, even marks. One vengeful way of getting even with a mark is to destroy the moat to the castle of his/her home. The idea is to hit close to home, for both physical and the psychological destruction involved.
One example started at the apartment of Pat Konely. Because the landlord refused to make needed roof repairs, seceral rainstorms flooded Konely’s apartment, damaging personal property. The landlord also refused to pay damages, and Konely didn’t have the money to fight the landlord’s attorney.
Pat Konely admits the response wasn’t very funny, but it did put a damper on the mark’s day and his own home. It worked because the mark’s front door had one of those mail slots cut in it. Konely says that this stunt works wonders when the mark is not aware of what’s going on until the poor drip really gets the message. Here’s what Konely suggests. Hook a hose, ideally the mark’s, to the outdoor faucet. Unscrew the power nozzle so you have the bare hose. Carry it to the mail slot and quietly fit the bare hose end through the slot and into the house. Got the picture? Good. Konely says you just turn on the faucet and hope the mark has slow reactions. Most tricksters would agree that it’s hardly sporting to do this when the mark is away from home.
“That would be like shooting puppies in a barrel,” Konely snorts. “At least tip the barrel over and give them a running start, so to speak.”
If your mark hates cats, be sure to place dead fish in obscure and unpleasant places around his/her abode. Do this at night. If you want feline audio accompaniment, tie a large dead fish from a tree limb or pole just out of the reach of the neighborhood cats. The nearer to the mark’s bedroom window, the better.
The modern epoxy glues are a miracle to many and a menace to others. The latter is exemplified by the exasperation of a person who’s just discovered that someone has squirted a load of strong glue into her/his door lock. (Liquid solder works too.)
You know all those vents in the back and top of a television set? If you ever pour a bunch of iron filings down in there, some interesting things will happen to the mark’s set the next time it is turned on.
How about some party humor? If your mark doesn’t know you’re getting back at him yet, you might even find yourself a guest in the target home. You could start off your festivities by quieting yourself away from the crowd, locating the family freezer, and either turning the unit down greatly, pulling the plug (unless it’s equipped with a safety signal unit), or switching it to defrost.
A trickster by the name of Micki related how she once came bearing gifts for the mark’s family freezer. She had matched the hostess’s freezer wrapping paper and style perfectly. Then, nestled among the nice beef roasts, steaks, hamburgers, and chickens belonging to the mark, Micki added her own packages of frozen roadkill — dead cats, small dogs, groundhogs, and crows.
Happy eating, all you mystery-meat fans.
While doing your tour of the targeted facilities don’t forget to dump some fierglass or insulation dust into the mark’s washing machine. It will be picked up by the clothes, ideally undergarments. Within half an hour of getting dressed, a person wearing clothing impregnated by the fiberglass or insulation dust will wish he/she weren’t. It creates terrible itching that takes two or three days to disappear. The best part is that no one ever thinks to blame the rash on sabotaged clothing. Repeated doses of this stunt are enough to make a strong mark crumble. A continual supply of “product” is assured if you mix the nasty dust in with the laundry detergent.
Every real kid knows what sulfur smells like when burned — horribly rotten eggs. Once, some of my peergroup delinquents put some three pounds of it in a nasty neighbor’s furnace, after somehow gaining entry to the basement. The house had to be aired out for nearly forty-eight hours. It was awesome. If you want some fireworks with your sulfur-in-the-furnace gimmick, throw in a mixture of potassium permanganate and sugar. It will flare, smoke grandly, and, with the sulfur present, stink all the more.
Here is one of Leon Specre’s recipe for ill humor. He hopes you dig it.
Your mark (and family if there is one) is away for at least the weekend, and you know about it enough ahead that you can hire a backhoe operator. Also, rent a pickup truck and tape a cardboard sign to its door with some vague identification on it about a landscaping business. Smear the license plate with mud or borrow another plate for a short while.
You should arrive at the mark’s house about half an hour before the backhoe. Naturally, you used the mark’s name when you engaged the backhoe and you told the operator you’d have a landscape contractor (you) there to meet him. The neighbors should think everything is in order if you act as if you know what you’re doing.
Don’t give the backhoe operator a good look at you, and use some disguise kit if possible. The premise is that the mark wants to add a basement room somewhere on the house. You must tell the backhoe operator exactly where to excavate. In most suburban areas, underground utility lines are indicated with aboveground markers. You can pick up gas lines and water lines from the meters. Pick an area clear of utility lines and pipes and lay out some string and stakes. Do all this before your operator arrives. Tell him your client, the mark, wants that area excavated and to bill the mark directly. Further, tell him that you have to leave to pick up your foreman and crew and that you’ll be back in about twenty minutes. Ideally, you’ll never see the backhoe operator again.
As Frank Foge points out, “My chemistry teacher always said there’d be a practical use for these high school science courses someday.” She was right. Do you remember what termites look like? Good. If not, any insect book will tell you. Or visit your local Orkin man and tell him you need to obtain some termite eggs for an experiment. Or get them from a science-supply house.
I bet you already know the experiment. It’s called how fast can the little eggs hatch into hungry termites and devour the mark’s house? There’s no trick here; you just infest your mark’s home with the little buggers. They’ll do the rest. This last one was prompted by a frustrated renter whose landlady refused to have the cockroaches and other pests exterminated from an apartment. A serious illness to an infant child, traced directly to the landlady’s refusal to follow sanitary laws, triggered the nasty “bugging” by the renter.
I’m not sure how practical this is, but you could try to take the rain gutters off your mark’s house or apartment. When a huge rain comes along, the runoff will cascade off the roof and probably a lot of it will end up in the basement or house. The rest will turn the mark’s lawn into a marsh, as I’ve seen it done. Be sure to collect some money for your work, though, by selling the mark’s gutters to a scrap dealer or builder who won’t ask questions.
Or, if your mark lives in a brick home, spray paint an obscene word or slogan on the bricks with enamel paint. It has to be professionally removed, according to Maribelle Shoofly.