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How To Scare People on the Subway

-A great new hobby for the deranged!

Stop and ponder this for a moment, if you will. Have you ever been sitting on the subway, going into Harvard Sq., or perhaps going home? Of course you have (unless you live in some remote suburb)! Well, that’s all good and fine. And when you were on the subway, wasn’t your attention drawn to a manic, usually filthy person, acting in an odd manner? Probably. Well, if you like to bother people, then this article is for you!

Here are several compiled methods of frightening/annoying innocent people on the subway. All of these methods were tested in the field, save for #6, because of the potential of getting arrested for such actions.

Here are several methods To Scare People on the Subway:

1.) OK, here’s the situation: Wow, you’re just going home from seeing “Lensman” with a bunch of your friends at Harvard Sq. You’ve been out and about since 3, it’s now 8. You’re tired, you want to sit down, and stretch out a little, but there’s only one seat. Here’s what you do: Sit down. Start rocking back and forth, slowly. Wrap your arms around yourself, close your eyes, and start mumbling “Mmmmmm! Mmmmm, mmmm!” as if you’re eating something really good. This won’t always clear the seat next to you, but it’s fun to feel the person next to you squirming.

2.) If the person next to you is annoying in some way (let’s say he’s a “wigger”, shall we?), a good thing to do would be to grab him, pull him really close to you, and say in a really slurred, stuttered voice, “Eh-eh-ehx-kYoooze ma-ma-mee, b-b-buthh, d-do y-y-you kn-n-nOHW wh-what t-t-TIME it issSSSS..?” Be sure to spit in his face as you say this. Also, always be sure you’re doing this to someone not too much larger than you, it wouldn’t be nice to get pummeled on the subway. Also, when doing this, having bad breath/teeth is a plus.

3.) How to generally freak a good amount of riders out: Sit down. Get this really angry expression on your face, I mean, FEROCIOUS expression. Start looking around at the people. This alone works well. Then, make quick jerking motions from your crotch, simultaneously emitting loud grunts.

4.) OK, let’s say this guy is staring at you, because of your weird behavior, right? Look at him with this really pissed off expression, and start growling really loudly. If there’s a support pole nearby, slide your hand up and down it slowly.

5.) Just stare at someone. Really HARD, probing stare. It’s a classic. If not that, stare at the reflection of their eyes in the window. If they notice you staring at them, it freaks ’em out, too. Note: I’ve gotten the occasional SMILE from this one!

6.) The last resort: I haven’t tried this, it’s really dangerous. This would be the best, quickest way to impress me, I’ll say that much. Here’s the theory: Start marching up and down the aisle of the train, kicking your feet in front of you like an idiot. At the same time, scream “DING-DONG! DING-DONG!” in the loudest voice possible. Should be a train-clearer.

7.) Suggestion. Have a friend bring a camcorder hidden in a duffle bag, and tape people’s reactions. Then send ’em into funniest home videos, and see if you can get on the show and make Bob Faggot look like an ass!

8.) Most of all, have fun! Not all people will dig this, I consider it a most majestic sport. If you can scare people on the subway just by your appearance, hey! It’s even better!

This wraps the ideas on ways to To Scare People on the Subway but it does not end here, you people out there may know some really interesting ways too and share with us!

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