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Lawns and Gardens

Our outdoor correspondent, Lother Gout, came up with a scheme to hassle your mark’s lawn. It’s a simple matter of spilling quantities of tomcat lure on the targeted lawn. The urine of Felix Domesticus will do wonders for the lawn and the mark’s disposition.

There are also a number of commercial lawn-care products that may used to good advantage by the serious dirty trickster. One stunt is to select a large, open chunk of you mark’s lawn. Using concentrated weed killer, you spell socially offensive words on the lawn with the defoliant. The grass dies, and a nasty word or legend is spelled out for all the neighbors to see. This works best on a slight slope facing a street for maximum exposure. Salt or vinegar will work almost as well as commercial vegetation killer. If you’re the sort of fun person who’s read this far, I’m certain you’ll need no suggestions as to what to say in your little message.

Serious defoliation is one of the many techniques our Vietnam experiences made available to the dirty trickster. Defoliation is the most potent way to get back at dastardly people who also have unreasonable pride in their lawns and ornamentals. These are usually the type of fussy people who also own small, yipping, bitchy dogs the size of rats — more on that later.

This time we’re going to take out everything that grows. There are many commercial products available that will kill anything growing. Look on the label to see that it says the stuff is nonselective and/or that it makes the soil barren. You just load up your sprayer — or the mark’s, if you can get to it — and fire away. Like a good guerilla, pick out what he loves most and hit it first and heaviest. Don’t leave a single blade or stem standing. No prisoners. Be cautious, though, that you stay upwind from the spray. At night you can’t tell how much of the gunk you are inhaling or getting on your skin. We have enough Agent Orange victims without adding you to the list.

Reinhard Ray, a former special-operations man for the U.S. navy, suggests a selective use of the weed killer in a psychological battle against a mark who is a true worrier, fringing on paranoia. You apply the solution fairly heavily around the mark’s natural or LP gas meter; then, broadcasting a bit more lightly, you follow the fuel line directly to the mark’s house. A final, heavier dose would be appropriate at the jointure of home and line. Within a few days the frightened mark will be convinced that his entire gas system is leaking badly. Obviously, this is effective only if your mark’s house uses natural or LP gas. But you could also do this to a water-supply line coming into the house or a buried electric line.

A related scam would be to spray the stuff in a circle around the house. Then, on bogus official letterhead you’ve either duplicated or had printed, send the mark a letter from the Nuclear Regulatory Commision explaining how they’ve just discovered some long lost records revealing that the mark’s home was built over a former repository for nuclear wastes. I’m sure your imagination can embellish the rest of the letter’s content to convince the mark that he, his family, and home are now radiation victims. Obviously, you can’t use this if the mark’s house is more than twenty years old, because nuclear waste dumps weren’t built much before then.

More Revenge Ideas with Lawns and Gardens

This is a simple and effective hit ‘n run tactic to have fun with your mark’s lawn. Eveytime you walk or drive by your mark’s yard, throw a few large stones on the lawn. It all builds up. Vary the size, and you’ll not only ruin his mower blade, but you might even get him to sail one or more of these stone missles trough a window or into his car.

I know of one friend of the environment who live-traps his Japanese beetles, then at night takes his catch over to his marks yard and garden and sets the little buggers loose to do their misdeeds there. A refinement of this was suggested by Bob Thornbroug who says to plant Japanese beetle traps in your mark’s garden but take the catch bags off the traps.

Scattering weed seeds and other vegitative miscreants into his mark’s finely tuned yard is Sid Nerko’s way of getting back at manicured lawn freaks.

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