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According to one lawyer who really does have the Establishment Bar Association stamp of approval, it’s fairly easy for you to sue someone. Most states have something called a small claims court or citizen’s court for just such actions. But you also have individual access to regular state and federal courts, just like those lawyers in the cash-green, six-piece suits. The Hayduke legal adviser says you should go to your local law library and/or courthouse to read some of the books on the topic which legally interests you or in which you wish to sue.

The law library has a set of books containing the exact legal forms necessary to sue someone. Find what you need and have a copy made or purchase a form. Don’t be shy about asking lawyers – especially young ones who pop into the room – for advice and help. Don’t be afraid to ask a clerk for help, either. Fill in the blanks on the form, asking for help if you need it, and file your suit with the clerk. It will cost you nothing to about fifty dollars to file a suit.

With that modest investment of your time and money, you can file damages asking for hundereds of thousands of dollars. Think of the stress value and the bad publicity your suit will cause the mark, as you see how surprisingly easy it is to institiute a lawsuit.

What if *you* should get sued? Easy. Go to the courthouse and countersue. Most people don’t think of that. That’s why there are so many losers and so many lawyers out there. Do it yourself.

Getting back at a Bad Lawyer

Punxy Phil Ferrick decided to get back at a dishonorable attorney who decided to try hoodwinking the public by becoming a politician. Ferrick got hold of the attorney’s legal letterhead and got it duplicated by a printer who was equally outraged at this crook’s trying to capitalize his larceny by becoming an elected thing.

Using the letterhead for starters, Ferrick sent out blatant dunning letters over the mark’s signature demanding campaign contributions from politically sensitive people. Another mailing was a group of threatening letters to local civic, church, and charity groups about their winked-at illegal bingo and 50/50 fundraisers. In the bogus letter, the lawyer threatened action.

The bogus mailings made the local newspaper when the lawyer — who had been a big booster, campaigner, organizer, etc., for Nixon in ’68 and ’72 — complained of the dirty tricks. The newspaper treated the story straight: The attorney’s denials only aroused more suspicion. And no one ever suspected Ferrick…until now.

Another scheme is this: Get a blank deed of trust, fill in your mark’s name and address, use your notary seal, and you have a legitimate-looking phony document. File it at the courthouse, and you have an action in the works against your mark. It means the mark has defaulted on a mortgage or some other promissory note and that “you” are filing against it. “You” can be an attorney if you wish when “you” sign this form. Days of frustration, anger, and bureaucratic disbelief directed at the mark will follow before things are straightened out. Don’t get caught doing this one. The best point here is that no one ever does things like this illegally, so the bureaucrats will never suspect it as a dirty trick.

But there’s more. If you have access to a law library or law-library materials, you can play games with the mark’s mind, claims Oswald Helms, an observer of the legal scene. He suggests, “Law libraries have standardized legal-practice forms, form books, and routine stationary forms that lawyers, clerks, judges, and the like use to help draft legal letters and proper legal forms. A dummy form or letter, photostated with some dummy legal notices, using, for example, arrest warrants, summonses, condemnations, search warrants, etc., can often pass for the real thing. It will shake the mark very much.

“The secret behind this,” Helms explains, “is that real legal people sometimes use the Xerox machine and routine forms, too. It saves time and money. It will easily fool the target and will probably force his or her attorney to at least follow it up.”

Time and money, time and money. Good torting.

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