Either steal real medical test-report forms from a hospital, clinic, or laboratory or have a friend get them for you. If this doesn’t work, a trusted printer will make some for you. You will also need matching return-address business envelopes to mail the reports to your mark. Get some technical advice from a medical textbook or a very trusted friend with a medical background, then prepare a series of embarrassing lab reports for your mark. This could include positive identification of such problems as venereal disease, drug dependence, cancer, yeast infection, or mental illness.
The mailing of the bogus report must be coordinated with a telephone call to the mark’s spouse, employer, parents, parole officer, etc. Doctor Milo Weir, who helped with this idea, recommends that multiple copies of the diognostic report copy could be sent to public-health officials, and a drug-problem might go to the state narcotics bureau.
If you’re waiting in a doctor’s examining room you will probably see all sorts of goodies stacked around — syringes, common drugs, medical equipment, maybe a diploma or two. A couple of Yippies said they used to make appointments complaining of vague symptoms just so the could rip off goodies. Beyond simple pilferage, the opportunity exists here for introducing additives to various products.
This should tickle the fancy of those true sadists among you. It comes from the Olde Medical Almanak of Doctor Jerrold Andurson. He removes some of the Preparation H from the regular container and refills that with tabasco sauce. Andurson guaratees that this will give your hemorrhoidal mark one of the hottest seats she/he could feel.
Andurson adds, “That reminds me of the observation made by the man who caught his genitalia in a bear trap. He said that the second worst pain in his life came when he came to the end of the trap’s chain.”
One summer, Will Gressle had the misfortune to be incarcerated in a hospital wing run by a nurse who made Doctor Josef Mengele seem like Santa Claus. An easygoing sort, Gressle was driven to revenge by this nasty Brigadier of Bedpans. Here’s what he did about it.
“In late November I was visiting my uncle’s ranch in Idaho, where he raises a few sheep. I got about seven pounds of farm-fresh sheep droppings and put it carefully in an opaque, airtight plastic sack,” he relates.
“I put that in a box, wrapped it in bright Christmas paper, and stuck little happy-face and Christmas decals all over it. Then I wrapped all that in heavy brown paper and mailed it to the nurse, in care of the hospital. I put a fake return address on the package and a few holiday stickers on the outside, too.
“I’m sure the parcel arrived at the hospital, where they have a little tree in each wing and a small exchange of presents. It is my sincere hope that Nurse Nasty unwrapped my gift in front of a lot of nurses, doctors, and patients. She would finally get to the bag of sheep shit and a little note, which read, ‘Just returning a tiny little bit of what you are so fond of dishing out in great amount,’ signed, ‘A Former Inmate.'”
Considering that the major side effect of medical treatment these days is terminal bankruptcy, it is little wonder that the medical institutions and personnel have become the target of so much getting-even thinking. In speaking with people on both sides of this fight, I have concluded that there are only limited stunts you can direct against these specific targets. Yet the range of regular stunts presented in a dozen other chapters of this book are as effective against medical institutions and people as against any other subject — perhaps more so, given the self-held exalted status of the medical community.
For example, it’s one thing if your mark is a contractor and suffers from a venereal disease because of your getting even — but think how it would work for a doctor! Gossip travels fast in the medical corridors.
However, if you are thirsting for a few little goodies to toss at the medical community, here’s a mini-list of suggestions:
Leave dead vermin at strategic points of a particular medical facility — near the coffee shop, the kitchen, the emergency room, the visitor’s lounge, etc.
Dressed in whites or other appropriate uniform, slip in with cafeteria or kitchen help and put some harmless food coloring into foods. Or if you can get in to where the staff food is prepared, more powerful additives may be used.
Borrow some medical-insurance identification from a cooperative friend or otherwise obtain someone else’s identification. Use this to charge medical bills, either real or imaginary. The point is to get bills sent to a totally innocent or totally unaware third party. If it’s your friend, he or she is part of the scam and will pretend to be outraged about the whole business. Either way, the medical facility is the real mark.
Another Medical Revenge Story
Neil Nixon had this nasty neighbor we’ll call William F. Smith. Smith’s dog was almost as ugly as its owner, especially in temperament. The major difference between the two was that the dog didn’t have acne scars. One day the dog attacked and bit Neil Nixon, after crossing two yards to get at our correspondent. The attack was totally unprovoked and obviously unwelcomed. Let’s pick up Neil’s account (and accounting) of the matter.
“I got some nasty wounds and a fair-sized scar on my leg. I decided to bite back at Smith’s ego. I got a medical association letterhead by taking a junk mail piece soliciting research fund support, then making a clean letterhead from it with a Xerox machine. The resultant copy looked just like clean, new letterhead.
“I then used a public typewriter to send him the following letter, slightly revised copies of which I also sent to his wife, employer, and closet buisness associates, asking for their help in persuading Smith to come out of his sacred closet.”
Neil’s letter read:
As the leading publisher of medical books dealing with unusual problems, we will offer you $50 if you allow our photographer to picture your barnaclelike acne condition which is of considerable interest to our readers.
You and your condition were brought to our attention by (name mark’s doctor) whose nurse told some of her friends about you. They have described the gross apperance of this advanced stage of acne and suggested we contact you. We are also contacting your close friends and business associates in hopes that they might help convince you to share your sorrow with others, all in the interest of medical science, of course.