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The canard that began World War II in Europe was based on the tenets of dirty trickery. On 1 September 1939, a group of what appeared to be Polish soldiers attacked a German radio station near the two countries’ borders. In “self-defense,” German units then fired upon Polish units in Danzig.

That stunt actually started World War II.

The so-called aggressors who attacked the German radio station were actually inmates from German concentration camps, dressed in Polish army uniforms, driven from Germany to the radio site near the border and injected with the lethal drug skophedal. The dying men were spread out in what appeared to be a firefight scenario and riddled with bullets by German SS men. A few who survived told the story. The German code name for this “military” operation was Canned Goods.

While serving as a guest of Uncle Sam, I had some intelligence assignments. There I found out that there are two types of intelligence — military and human. Or as Groucho Marx said, “Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.”

You can get arrested for falsely wearing the real uniform of the armed Military forces. That’s why some tricksters don’t wear an actual Military uniform but either build or rent a replica that surely looks real. That way they are free to give speeches, shout orders, make bogus policy pronouncements, hold press conferences, use rank, and all sorts of other bits of theater from which the average citizen might infer that the actor really does represent the official military. This sort of incorrect inference could cause all sorts of public-relations and worse problems for the military establishment. Could this be considered contributing to the delinquency of a major?

Although the Yippies are a generation or so forgotten, and at least as this is written, our army is no longer a high-profile domestic villian, someone may still want to pull one off for old times’ sake. A Jerry Rubin trick would be to find a somewhat deserted area of a large public recreational park. Place some official-looking, commercially printed signs in prominent places. The signs will say:

WARNING

Army war dogs training in this area.

Very Dangerous. Keep all

children and pets within sight.

If Army dog approaches do not

move under any circumstances.

–U.S. Army. Official

— Guess who will get blamed when frightened citizens complain to the town, city, county, state, feds, or whoever is in charge of the park. Guess how many brass hats will have to visit the site, investigate, write reports, and give explanations.

According to Captain DeGeorge Media, things got pretty bizarre over at the Pentagon when the intelligence boys found that OPEC intelligence agents had broken the Pentagon ZIP code. Hah! Can you military agents reading this book break the code I just used? — MESSAGE ENDS —

Speaking of military-intelligence agents, I recall that especially obnoxious recruits, second lieutenants, and other lower-order sorts could often be sent on a fool’s errand that often multiplied into more harassment than the stunt was really worth. If your mark caught a first sergeant with an especially bad hangover or an ill-tempered senior officer who’d just dicovered that his daughter was pregnant by some recruit from a Third World military unit attached for training — well, you get the idea. Anyhow, you can send these marks out to bring back a rubber flag to be flown on rainy days. Or you can send the idiot out to bring back the cannon report. If you’re air force, a five-gallon drum of prop wash is an appropriate errand target — or a bucket of prop pitch or a box of RPMs. The navy is good for sending someone to get stuffing for the crow’s nest, a biscuit gun for the galley, etc. You can always send someone to the post or ship’s print shop for some dotted ink. A trip to the supply stores for plaid paint is fun. The best part is that they almost always fall for such nonsense. I think that says something about the military’s effect on human thought processes.

If you have access to the sound system over which Reveille is played each morning, you might move up that magic time of day by, oh, say half an hour or forty-five minutes — just enough to screw things up. The next day, make it fifteen minutes late. Another day, play it in the middle of the night. Always play it a bit louder than usual.

In a similar sense, at one summer camp, a national guardsman switched the Reveille record for a rock record one morning. Another morning, recorded Rusty Warren and her humor greeted the troops.

Some solid general advice for getting even within the military comes from a high-ranking and experienced military man who is now a biggie in the VFW. You know he’s qualified to give advice.

He suggests, “The military is a blizzard of paper, paranoia, and intrigue. A dirty trickster who understands this and can parody the system will drive a mark to ruin. A good primer for action is to read CATCH 22.

“You will find an abundance of politics, ass kissing, back biting, gossip, and reputation hunting and destroying among career military people. It’s an absolutely fertile ground to grow dirty tricks. A nastily clever person will have no trouble getting even for all the petty bullshit the military inflicts upon sensitive and logical people.”

Thinking about sensitive and logical people brought Selective Service to mind. When we last had a draft, during the Vietnam unpleasantness, all sorts of young men did all sorts of bizarre things to evade it. However, a true dirty trickster would think in 180 degree terms — why not invade the draft? Simply register yourself in about three dozen locations with an equal number of draft boards. As far as I know, the law came down on only you if you failed to register. I guess I don’t have to list the reasons why someone might wish to get even with the Selective Service system or a particular board.

As another possibility to earlier suggestions about over-registering for the draft, Col. John M. Himmler passes along his idea of registering legions of phantom people using phony names and addresses. He thinks using Teutonic surnames is great, as is using the names of the fascist butchers currently in charge of the country. Or use the names of foreign dictators, too, as well as our homegrown ones. God knows there are enough to go around…and maybe to fight their next war, instead of asking us to do it for them.


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