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There must be a lot of cruel folks out there, like the delivery truck driver who liked to run over kid’s pets. I got a lot of “Thank you” letters on that one from grateful readers. One reader, Tom J. Mellish, suggested we give an animal hater all sorts of opportunity to have animals.

“Swamp this bastard with animals,” Mellish suggests. “Run ads in all kinds of papers, hit those free radio swap shop announcements, try bulletin board notices, advertise anywhere and everywhere. Say something like `Bring me all your stray and unwanted animals. I’ll pay you a minimum of 5$ for any animal.”

Mellish says the second bite is to call the SPCA and local police to report that the mark is getting all these animals for unlicensed medical experiments, occult rituals, pagan rites, and black masses.

Robert Wheaton suggests that you telephone all the local pet cemeteries in your mark’s name. Request that a salesman come by to explain their pet burial program. If they don’t have salespeople making house calls, get them to at least send out a brochure and give them the mark’s telephone number, too. Let them hound him later on, just as his barking Bosco has been dogging your sanity.

Being a shameless lover of animals and a committed friend of same, the death of one of these species upsets me. Turtles are in this special category…I like turtles. But when turtles die, they may be used for more than soup. According to naturalist Dr. Crank Johnson, few species smell so terrible as a dead and decaying turtle. He adds, “There are many chemical reasons for this, but empirical observation alone will convince most people. A dead turtle causes a terrible odor.”

A dedicated Hayduker needs to ask no more questions concerning that fact.

Laxatives work well on people and superwell on dogs. RLS, from Apple Valley, California uses the old dump `em trick for getting nontoxic revenge on barking dogs that annoy him. He slips his favorite bowel buster inside some hamburger which he then slips to the canine noise-makers. He says this works especially well with house dogs which cannot control themselves once the laxitives take over their elimination mechanism. This hits the owner hardest, which is good justice.

In nastier cases, where he wants to get some sleep and the neighbor’s barking dogs won’t lay off, RLS says that a few sprinkles of promanzine granules in hamburger will quiet things down. He says it is an effective sleepy-time aid for the dogs, lasting eighteen hours will no ill effect. By the way, that drug is actually a tranquilizer for horses.

This is a switch on the usual “get the dog” theme. It comes from Jimmy Watt, and it relies on psychology. He says, “If you have an obnoxious animal you’d like to murder, don’t! Instead, drive the owner mad. Toss some UNpoisoned, plain hamburger in the owner’s yard near the dog pen, then call the owner. Disguise your voice or have a friend call. Tell the owner you saw a suspicious-looking person toss something to his dog. Or threaten to poison the dog. If you really want to run up his vet bill, tell him you already did so. You can also leave some empty packets of rat poison in his yard at a leter date.

Mildred Townsend, normally a mild-mannered public relations person, suggests another solution for an obnoxious dog. “You should `dognap’ the animal, then take it to a boarding kennel for three or four days of expensive care. Ask for the works…get all of the medical and cosmetic stuff you can order. Give the owners name, address, and telephone number, then say that `you’ (the owner) will be out of town for three or four days. When the real owner/mark gets the mutt back, he or she also gets a hefty bill.”

If a dog or cat is tearing up your lawn or garden, stake out a mousetrap for the animal. Wrap the striker heavily with tape so you don’t really blast the beast, but just give it a hard pinch. Bait the traps and set them where the animals have been trashing your place. It always works, according to Gretchen Foowatha.

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