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Aron Kay is a dedicated old Yipster who probably still hates everything established and controlled by the ruling junta of the U.S. Thus, Aron Kay doesn’t trust religion’s newest cottage industry: the Born Again Convert/Recuiter. He calls them the McDonald’s of religion. I call them Jesus Junkies. Either way, they are trying to inflict their own lifestyle on the rest of us. Theirs is not a live-and-let-live world. It’s a slave/master relationship. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave.

Aron Kay wants to disrupt established religious services. He doesn’t like any religion.

Perhaps that’s why we have freedom of religion – so we might also have freedom *from* religion. Here are some of his methods for turning your other cheek in Haydukian defiance.

  • Wear clerical robes to a service, remove them, then streak the group…buck-assed naked.
  • Smoke a joint during services or when they’re in your home. Offer the Jesus Junkies a hit.
  • Plant marijuana in their church yard or in the floral altar.
  • Pie the religious leader.
  • If the group hold orthodox views regarding pork, walk into their midst leading a pig on a leash.
  • Wear a devil’s costume and mask to meetings or when they come to visit you.

Mail still pours in for me all the time asking, “What can I do about the religious cuckoos who come to my door all the time?”

Thanks to Corkie Puckle, we have another answer. He has a method for dealing with door-to-door religious nuts who are total mental fruitcakes.

“Most of them show up in the early evening or on Sunday morning,” Puckle says. “I’m a skinny runt, so I just show up naked at the door. Most of them are assertive, and the women are dry, professional virgins in their unused forties.

“They start to hand me a pamphlet, and then they see I am naked. I smile, reach out to them, and say, `Hi, I’m Corkie, and I’d like to screw you and eat your Bibles. But it’s OK if you don’t have a Bible…'”

Corkie adds, “As soon as I tell them that, I offer them a slug from the quart of beer I have in my hand, then ask them if they want a chaser, too.”

And readers think I’m nutty!

If a religious recruiter is bothering you and just won’t take your usual verbal “no” or a slamming of your door for a negative response, try this number. Write a really spooky “parchment ‘n blood” bill of sale stating that the mark, by full name, has sold his/her soul to the Prince of Darkness, to roast eternally in the fires of hell in exchange for some worldly possesion the mark may have won or purchased recently. Send it to him by registered mail, and also send a copy to his religious mentor.

“Let’s say the mark has won a lottery, a bingo prize, a church raffle, something, anything,” claims Raoul Swansong, a former Moonie. “It can be anything as long as it’s material and worldly. This works best with the ture fire ‘n brimstone types or the serene, high-on-Christ types. It will keep them away from you.”

Another reader sent me a newspaper clipping about a religious fanatic who literally burned a small inheritance of a thousand dollars because he had recieved a “mysterious letter from Hell telling him the money was in exchange for his soul.” He was sent away for psychiatric observation when he told the police the devil had tricked him. I wonder what Flip Wilson would think of that?

At least one tribe of organized Jesus Junkies made Oliver Norton’s life miserable by convicting his mother and her money to their dubious cause. Ollie decided it would be better to join than to fight. Here, in his very own words, is what he did:

“I got a Goodwill suit for a few bucks, washed it in my sewerage overflow, rubbed garlic and cod liver oil into my shirt, swore off toothpaste and mouthwash for three days, and stayed on a diet of loads of onions, kippers, hardboiled eggs, cabbage, green chile, and beans. I put a lot of Vaseline in my hair, then went calling on upperclass neighborhoods as a representative of that particular church. I also went into malls and buisnesses. I went to meetings of the local council of churches, representing `my’ church, after I’d called the real representative and told him that the meeting was postponed.”

You can imagine the fire ‘n brimstone fallout caused by Ollie’s infiltration. He kept this up for ten days, then went on a preplanned, three-week vacation, returning home fifteen pounds heavier, four shades more darkly tanned, and with a beard.

More Retributive Ideas:

If your mark is a religious sort, you could follow the advice of Lee H. Blakely, who suggests printing up phony leterheads using your mark’s name, address, and telephone number under the imprinteur of a group such as Atheists for a Stronger America or Nonbelievers Against God or Gays Against God.

Blakely continues, “You then mail really bitchy letters to local TV stations demanding equal time to make up for ‘Sunrise Sermonette.’ You also write letters to local newspapers. Sometimes, smaller newspapers don’t verify letters that come in on letterheads and are typed well.”

From one of my regular religious correspondents, the Reverend Fleisher McGeary, I learned that hooligans have been carrying on near his parish in Packer, Alabama. It seems their trick is to call or visit one of the local whacko religious sects — the goofier and more Holy Roller the better — and ask them to come meditate with “you” and your family. Of course, you give them the name and address of your mark. Another variant is to suggest that the holy folks roll in during the mark’s office hours and save the staff. Getting the fix set up here requires a great acting job, lots of sincerely pious rhetoric, and all that glop. But according to McGeary, it works.

If the mark is not well-known in his/her neighborhood, you can call, using the mark’s name, and say you would like to come talk with the neighbor about communism, gay rights, gun control, interracial sex relations, or free drugs. The idea here is to be as obnoxious as possible about the issues. Say that your mark represents his/her local church.

If the mark is a Grand Liberal, you can use the same tactic, but turn the topics around — support for the death penalty for most any crime, even tougher antidrug laws, outlawing abortion, and making the ERA illegal.

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