Make’em PAY Ultimate Revenge Techniques
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M A K E ‘ E M P A Y
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Ultimate
Revenge Techniques from the Master Trickster
GEORGE HAYDUKE
Transcribed by
ZoneTripper – 1996
— CONTENTS –
Nelson Chunder
Writes a Few Words About George Hayduke
Introduction
How To Use This Book
Added
Words of Wisdom From the Author
Caution
Airlines
Animals
Answering
Machines
Anti-Abortionists
Armed Forces
Associations
Attitude
Auto
Dealers
Autos
Bad Checks
BB Machine Guns
Beds
Body Parts
Bombs
Books
Bucket Above the Door
Bumper Stickers
Campers
Candy
Charlatans
Chemicals
CIA
Communism
Computers
Condoms
Convenice
Stores
Cookouts
Corrections
Customs Service
Dead Animals
Death Pool
Dog Waste
Dogs
Dolls
Dopers
Driveways
Electric
Power
Electrical Appliances
Explosives
Feces
Financial Fun
Food
Footwear
Four Wheelers
Freaky Stuff
Furniture
Gasoline Stations
Graffiti
Grave Sites
Gross Out
Gun Dealers
Guns
Hair
Halloween
Health Notice
High School
Homes
Hood Ornaments
Hospitals
Joggers
Jukeboxes
Junk Mail
Ku Klux Klan
Landlords
Laundromats
Lights
Local Officials
Lunch-Bag Thieves
M.A.D.D
Mail
Molestation
Motion Pictures
Musical Cards
Musicians
Newspapers
No Parking Zones
One Liners
Paint
Parking
Parking Meters
Patriotism
Pet Owners
Philadelphia Parking Tickets
Pie in the
Face
Pilots
Politicians
Porno
Posters
Pricks
Public Smokers
Quotes
Radar
Radical Groups
Radio-Controlled Aircraft
Radio
Stations
Recipes
Restaurants
Salad Bars
Salespeople
Signs
Solder
Sources
Sports
Stereos
Stink Bombs
Studs
Success
Stories
Suitcases
Summer Camps
Supermarkets
Sweeties
Tar
Tattoos
Taxidermy
Teachers
Telephone Solicitors
Telephones
The Ten
Commandments of Revenge
Theaters
Tires
Toilet Tissue
Toilets
Travel
Typewriters
Underarms
Unwashed
Utilities
Veneral Disease
Wine
Women Beaters
Zippers
Zowie, The Last Word
— NELSON CHUNDER WRITES A FEW WORDS ABOUT GEORGE HAYDUKE –
My pal has been
called the meanest man in the world and a true hyena
in swine’s clothing. Modest that he is, I
know he cherishes both compliments.
George always has been an affront to the pompous twits who
rise to positions
of power in our world. For instance, when George was born, the first peek
of
his personality shown to the world was his posterior.
I’ve known him since we were
kids and I have fond memories of his
mother’s friends cowering in front of George’s BB gun. I
knew he’d be a
contemporary author when his first literary masterpiece at the Norris
Kindergarden was a four-letter word.
A few years later, George was returned from summer camp
with a
"Delivery Refused" tag on him. After he got out of school, the Army
grabbed
him and he quickly adopted two philosophies that have carried him far in his
life. First, "in confusion there is profit." And second, he totally accepted
General
George S. Patton’s belief that you don’t win wars by dying for your
country; you win wars by
making the other poor bastard die for his country.
To complete the usual occupational trivia,
let me report that George
Hayduke has earned his keep as a laborer, minister, aircraft
pilot,
photographer, store detective, newspaper reporter, gun dealer, demolition
man,
public relations consultant, and now, as a full-time tosspot and
Official Curmudgeon of the
Ambrose Bierce Institute.
One of the finest testimonials Hayduke ever received come from
the
Bishop of Estonia and Idaho, the Right Holy Curtis Bevaqua, who said of
George in a
church pronouncement, porcus ex grege diaboli "a swine from the
devil’s herd". Tears
of joyful acceptance from deep within George Washington
Hayduke, Jr., flowed after that
ringing endorsement.
I’m proud to be the friend of the meanest man in the world.
— INTRODUCTION –
"Can you see the Invisible Man’s feces?"
table at the Gamboa
Country Club in the bucolic village of Gamboa, Panama.
It was January 1985 and my companions
were Primo, El Presidente and Senor
Tomas. Thinking that perversity makes for strange
bedfellows, I repeated the
question.
"It doesn’t matter, my son," El
Presidente said, as he sat deciding
between a vigorous display of flatus and erucatition, or
perhaps, a symphony
of both. "You can not capture the wind."
We savants of
philosophy don’t have much time left for our discussions
or morality in a world gone mad. The
Soviets and Reaganistas are running
throat to throat to see who can out-lie and out-bully the
other to become
master bully of the rest of the world. I was worrying a lot about my
friends,
the little folks. These are the powerless people who are the victims of
bullies.
I liked the way Sid Bernstein, who’s been writing a column in
Advertising Age
for years, puts it,"It’s not so much what you do that counts,
but what you are willing to
let the other fellow get away with."
Aphoristically speaking, Sid is right. About 95
percent of the people
are decent. They are ordinary citizens, straights and otherwise, who do
not
deliberately lie, steal, cheat or bully. They pay their taxes, try to hold
jobs, are
kind to other people and are good at their families. It’s the 5
percent, though, who bully the
95 percent. I worry, too, because the moral
indignation of the 95 percent seems to have
atrophied in the past three or
four years.
They get picked on, cheated, bullied and
abused. And, as I’ve said,
they just take it. Where is the fighting-back sprit? Where is the
moral
indignation that cries out, "I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it
anymore!" When do the 95 percent start to dish back the crap to the 5
percent?
Remember, you get walked on all over only when you throw yourself down
in front of people!
have been in Latin
America much of the past two years involved in a variety
of activities. During that time, Mac
Chunder, a very close pal, has handled
the book-writing chores and I want to thank him for a
job well done. But for
some months now, Mac has wanted to visit his ancestral home in the
institutional
and governmental bullies at home, has hastened my return
across our southern border.
I
missed my country, my friends, my family and the little guys. It’s
time for an organized
return to some entertainment by Haydukery.
The great author Chester Himes has a story that
explains a great deal
of the Hayduking philosophy without a lot of empty words. A friend of
Mr.
Himes, a man named Phil Lomax, told him about a pistol-toting blind guy who
shot at
a man who slapped him, but, accidentally killed an innocent
bystander peacefully reading his
newspaper.
I though, damn right, sounds just like today’s news, riots in the
ghettos, war, masochistic doings in the Middle East. And then I
thought of some of our
loud-mouthed leaders urging our vulnerable
soul brothers on to getting themselves killed, and
thought further
that all unorganized violence is like a blind man with a pistol.
Don’t take that literally. In a sense it’s a metaphor. I don’t recall
ever advocating that
anyone be shot. Hell, every silver lining has its cloud,
you know. I even reject the premise
raised by some critics that my tactics
are blunt and destructive. as the scholar and social
scientist, Abraham
Maslow points out, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you will
treat
everything like a nail."
To end this rhetorical meandering, I call on two
people who probably
would not share a page in the same book… unless it is my book. Though
I
despise much of his ideology and actions, I admire these words of Robert B.
DePugh:
Our nation has reached a point of no return – a point beyond which
the American
people can no longer defend their freedom by the
traditional means of politics and public
opinion.
Finally, there is a man I wish were here to be our president today. I
refer to Thomas Jefferson, who said in his first inaugural address in 1801:
Having
banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
mankind has so long bled and
suffered, we have yet gained little if
we countenace a political intolerance as despotic, as
wicked, and
capable of as bitter and bloody persecutions… If there be any among
us who
would wish to dissolve this Union or to change its republican
form, let them stand undisturbed
as monuments of the safety with which
error of opinion may be tolerated, where reason is left
free to combat
it.
I thought about that beautiful sentiment from Mr. Jefferson as
I read
a final letter from a good friend in El Salvador who was born there and now
must
stay there forever. He wrote, "I do as you say, George…. do unto
others, then split
like hell."
Adios, amigo. Sometimes you get the eagle and sometimes the eagle gets
you. Maybe this book can even some odds next time. When Talleyrand wrote,
"There are two
things to which we never grow accustomed – the ravages of
time and the injustices of our
fellow men," he was probably sure that we
could attack only one of those dual assults.
That singularity is what this
book is about.
– George W. Hayduke Jr.
San Marcos,
El Salvador
January 1986
— HOW TO USE THIS BOOK –
(by W.
Wellsley Spofford, Ph. D.)
Mr. Hayduke asked me to write a foreword to his book, but I
felt that
too much pedagogical rhetoric would only cloud its definitive purpose, which
is far beyond replication of his earlier philosophies. Instead, I opted to
produce this
methodological supplement for the reader’s pragmatic
edification.
As before, Mr. Hayduke
has arranged his chapters both by subject and
method, then arranged these alphabetically. In
addition to searching chapter
headings, he suggest you search other specific areas as many of
the items
lend themselves to more than one treatment. Indeed, in his classic review of
Mr. Hayduke’s original two books, Dr. Millard Plankton, the renowed
professor of arcaneology
at Louisiana School of Divinity, notes that some
serious scholars of "Hayduking"
have compiled extensive cross-indicies of
the various combinations of our author’s
classifications of
marks/stunts/materials/ methods, et cetera. Mr. Hayduke himself suggests
her own while
using this book.
In the author’s own words, "If you have a problem with some person or
appropriate
response in solving your problems through the use of creative
revenge. Look at some other
headings, too, and you’ll get more ideas to
escalate your deserving revenge."
I can
easily concur with that. Here, then, is Mr. Hayduke’s newest
book. Please, gentle reader,
enjoy yourself.
— ADDED WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE AUTHOR –
As my former mentor, Dr. Spofford, says, you can generate, then mix’n’
match stunts in this
book, just as in the earlier books by Mac Chunder and
me. But nasty and personalized touches
that are designed especially for your
own mark make each hit more effective. Modification and
customizing are
grand ideas and I urge you to use them to match the crime and punishment.
the real thing.
There’s an old Creole belief that sums it up well, "Wesp
geye kofias na dlo, e se dlo ki
kuit li," which means something like this,
"A fish trusts the water, and yet it is
in the water that it is cooked."
GENERAL ADVICE
Throughout this book
I will make universal reference to the "mark,"
which is a street label hung on the
victim of a scam or con. In our case,
the mark is anyone who has done something unpleasant,
foul, unforgivable or
fatal to you, your family, your property or your friends. Never think of
a
mark as the victim of dirty tricks. Think of the mark as a very deserving
target of
revenge.
Before you study any of the specific sections of this book, read these
next few
vital paragraphs. They tell you how to prepare before going to
action.
1. PREPARE
A PLAN
Plan all details before you take any action at all. Don’t even ad-lib
something from this book without a plan of exactly what you’re going to do
and how. If your
campaign involves a series of actions, make a chronological
chart, then coordinate your
efforts. Make a list of possible problems. Plan
what you’ll do if you get caught – depending
upon who catches you. You must
have every option, contingency, action, reaction and evaluation
planned in
advance.
2. GATHER INTELLIGENCE.
Do what a real
intelligence operative would do and compile a file on your
mark. How detailed and thorough you
are depends upon your plans for the
mark. For a simple get-even number, you obviously need
less intelligence
than if you’re planning an involved, time-release campaign. Before you
start
spying, make a written list of all the important things you need to know
about the
target – be it a person, company or institution.
3. BUY AWAY FROM HOME.
Any supplies, materials or services you need must be purchased away from
where you live. Buy
way in advance and pay in cash. Try to be as
inconspicusous and colorless as possible. Don’t
talk unnecessary with
people. The best rule here is the spy’s favorite – a good agent will
get
lost in a crowd of one. The idea is for people not to remember you.
4. NEVER
TIP YOUR HAND.
Don’t get cocky, cute’n'clever and start dropping hints about who’s
doing
what to whom. I know that may sound stupid, but some would-be tricksters are
gabby. Of course, in some of the cases this will not apply, e.g., unselling
car customers at
the dealership, or other tricks in which the scenario
demands your personal involvement.
5. NEVER ADMIT ANYTHING.
If accused, act shocked, hurt, outraged or amused,
whichever seems most
appropriate. Deny everything, unless, again, your plan involves overt
guy out of
Watergate was Gordon Liddy; he kept his mouth shut.
6. NEVER APOLOGIZE; IT’S A SIGN OF
WEAKNESS.
Normally, harassment of a citizen is a low-priority case with the police.
the community
and with his or her political connection. If you are at war
with a corporation, utility or
institution, that’s a different ball game.
They often have private security people, sometimes
retired federal or state
investigators. By habit, these people may not play according to the
law. If
you play dirty tricks upon a governmental body be prepared to have a case
opened. But how hard it is followed depends upon a lot of factors.
Understanding all this
ahead of time is part of your intelligence planning
before you get started in action.
— CAUTION –
The schemes, tricks, scams, stunts, cons, and
scenarios presented here
are solely for information and amusement purposes only. It is not my
intent
that you use this book as a manual or trickster’s cookbook. I certainly
don’t
expect that anyone who reads this book would actually ever do any of
the things described
here.
This book is written to entertain and inform readers, not to instruct
or persuade
them to commit any illegal act. From my own mild disposition, I
could hardly tell someone else
to make any of these tactics operational.
Consider the case of mistaken vengeance that took
place in Vienna,
Austria, in 1985, when Leopold Renner though his wife was cheating on him
stuffed twenty-seven
of her live, exotic pets – one after another – into the
churning garbage disposal. Down went
screaming parakeets, hamsters, mice and
tarsiers into a gushy gruel feeding into the sewage
drains.
Fact: His wife Frieda was holding the hand of her brother, whom she
had not seen
in a dozen years, and was bringing him home to meet her
husband. True story.
Please read
this book with the reference in mind. Remember, it’s all
in good clean fun, isn’t it? That was
a rhetorical questions.
— AIRLINES –
Here’s a wonderful
variation on one of the old airline message jokes.
It came about because Geneth of Huston was
tired of flight delays and
hassles, all excused by lies about airport security. An idea formed
in
Geneth’s mind.
The primary mark was the least favorite airline. A secondary mark was
a
passenger chosen in the terminal because of some form of rude on-site or
other crude
behavior. The medium was a handwritten note done by one friend,
while the delivery system was
another friend of Geneth’s who left the
airport immediately after handling the note in a
sealed envelope to a
boarding attendant at the gate, along with this verbal request:
"See that man/woman ahead, just getting on? That’s my uncle/aunt
(husband/wife,
son/daughter,etc.) and I have a nice birthday surprise (smile
a whole lot) for him/her. Would
you please give him/her this note when you
get airborne? It’s OK if everyone wants to sing
along. Gee, (laugh), is old
(name) going to be surprised."
The note that will be
opened in-flight by an unsuspecting mark contains
one of these three messages:
1. Please
be discreet. If you have any flying experience come to the
front to the airplane; the pilot’s
dead.
2. This airplane has been hijacked and the terrorist have chosen you to
be dumped
out of the cargo hatch as a symbol. Come to the cockpit or we’ll
blow up the airplane.
3. A four-year old girl/boy has identified you as the person who
molested him/her in the
bathroom of the airport just before departure. We
are holding you for arrest until landing in
__________.
This will create some fun, and some confusion. It will work best if
neither
of the marks, primary or secondary, has a sense of humor.
If you are a frequent flier, you
will note how the human cattle called
passengers line up at the restrooms shortly after the
in-flight meal has
assaulted their systems. You might beat the line next time you’re aloft
and
put a generous coating of Elmer’s glue on both the top and bottom of the
toilet seat
while the meal is being served.
— ANIMALS –
For a lot of real and
symbolic reasons, animals have always been
great tools of revenge, going back to our fears of
our evolutionary
ancestors, I suppose. Using animals in your stunts will definitely put you
In some areas you can buy dog and cat inmates
from the pound for as
little as a buck or two apiece. Buy a bunch of these condemned prisoners
and
hold them as your guest until…..
You’ve been fire or insulted by the idiot boss of
a bar or restaurant,
or you got a lousy meal there. Maybe you hate the owner for what he or
she
did to your family. There could be a dozen reasons for what you’re about to
do.
the marked location
and get them all as far inside as possible. You may wish
to disguise yourself and your
drivers. After your herd is safely delivered,
you should depart. Bedlam is a modest word to
describe what will happen
next, especially if your furry dinner guests are really, truly
hungry.
Condition them that way before delivery, of course.
Own a live trap, one of
those Havahart numbers? Great. Catch a wild
raccoon, opossum, groundhog or feral cat in it.
Turn this animal loose in
your mark’s car or apartment. Think about the state that environment
after
half an hour attempted escape, followed by frantic trashing.
—
ANSWERING MACHINES –
Maybe it’s because he’s from Oakland and had to put up with Al
Davis
all those years, but Chester the Spoon has some advice for folks who don’t
like
answering machines. He suggest you make many, many repeated calls over
a thirty or
forty-minute period and leave either no message or rude,
untraceable ones. The idea is to
overload the machine and, perhaps, make
the mark miss an important call.
A more direct
method, which comes from Alik Allotjka, requires access
to your mark’s answering machine,
which, of course, would be easy in a
business office. But don’t forget social occasions when
you might have a
free run of his or her home. It’s a great way to pay back someone who’s
used
a telephone to abuse you in one form or another. Prerecord an answering-
machine
message of your own design in your mark’s name. Make it awful, crude
or whatever would do the
most damage. Substitute this tape for the one
already in the machine. Do it during a time
period when you know it will get
maximum play.
— ANTI-ABORTIONISTS –
The wife of one of my friends had a completely unrelated business
meeting in the
same building that housed an abortion clinic. As she tried to
enter the lobby, she was
attacked by a gaggle of right-to-life harridans.
This quiet, small lady, who was a computer
consultant going to a job with a
financial office on another floor of the large building, was
almost in
panic.
"They screamed at me, called me a murderer, pushed me. Then one of
them
spit right in my face. They were some local group from the neighborhood
Catholic
Church. I was too scared to be shocked," she recalled, almost in
tears, nearly a month
later.
Furious, her husband went to the police and was told that nothing could
be done
without independent witnesses. He was also told, off the record,
that the police chief and the
priest at the church were bosom buddies and
the police were told to lean on the clinic and
leave the pickets alone.
Frustrated, he came to me.
The statue of limitations of the
state involved make it impossible for
me to relate precisely what was done to 1) picketing
group’s leaders, 2)
that local Catholic Church, 3) its priest, and, 4) the local police
chief.
Be assure, it was appropriate and heavy duty. Maybe a volume or two from now
I
can tell you all about the repayment for their uncivilized behavior.
In any case, if you
happen to believe in a woman’s freedom to make her
own choices about her own life and body and
reject the ravings of the
harpies who think otherwise, simply pick and choose from almost any
of the
stunts in this and other revenge books, adapt it to your needs, and go from
there. I would also very much like to hear from those of you out there who
have had similar
run-ins.
— ARMED FORCES –
Is there any low life enlisted man who
has not faced the anger, if not
the rotten breath, of a hung-over sergeant with gusto but no
justice in his
soul? Allen Watkins told me about one of his friends who tired of being the
hood of the
NCO’s car and while he had CQ duty one night and packed some
tear gas into the intake manifold
of the vehicle’s air-conditioning unit.
Oh, did I mention that our hero was clearing post the
next day? Some
weeks later a friends’ letter explained the humorous news that the NCO spent
Having been an Army grunt, I have never seen an aircraft
carrier except
in films or at a great distance. My old pal, a Navy vet name Gino the Engine
I’m not sure how he knows as he was in submarines,
except for the time
he had a gaggle of Italian whores chase him through town for not paying
his
tab at the Eat’n'Hump. Anyway, Naker Phelge, another Navy man, says that
some
carriers show films or have live Bob Hope-type shows in the enclosed
hanger decks.
"Do you have any idea how much volume of water is carried in the fire
control/sprinkler
system of these ships?"
His question was more than rhetorical as I had no idea, not
even
knowing the Navy had sprinkler system. He told me it was more a deluge
system than
a sprinkler. He refused to be specific as he still has a rating
in our Imperial Emperor’s U.S.
Navy, but he says some guys with a grudge
against someone got high enough to build a strong
and very hot heat source
under the fire-control sensors on the hangar roof. They used
propane
torches. Within five minutes, the hangar was flooded. The evening’s show was
a
washout in the true sense of the word.
As a vet, I always liked Senator Joe Clark’s pungent
observation that a
leader should not get too far in front of his troops or "he might get
shot
in the ass." On the other hand, I wondered about that when I read the
graffiti
that Edward Gein had written in the main restroom of the Bates
Motel: "The alternative to
getting old is depressing."
— ASSOCIATIONS –
Deciding who is
the worst among current totalitarian leaders is like
deciding from which bucket of buzzard
puke to drink. For starters, here is
some help with an easier chose – making life bad for some
true jerks. The
best part is that you can use people’s natural inclination to "join"
as your
ally.
It happens. Some group like Gay Awareness, or Coal Companies to
Desecrate America, or Veterans to Invade the Pentagon does something
heinous to you.
Compounding this latest affront is your mark – a neighbor,
boss, coworker or some other fool –
whom you have placed on the
association’s roaster without his or her knowledge. If you like
the ideas
that follow, thank Bartholomew McHilicudy.
"Advertise your mark’s home or
apartment as the meeting place for the
nasty group," advises Bart. "Use different
media to advertise – public
service spots on local radio and TV, newspaper mentions, ads,
notices in
stores. Hit all the local outlets. Tell people in bars and grocery stores."
the local department
store or entire mall complex and sneak in an
announcement or two. Keep’em brief, like ten
seconds, and then split as soon
as you’re off the air.
At the suggestion of Don Lecely,
here are some dummy organizations you
can sponsor:
– Herpes Without Partners
–
AIDS Where It Hurts
– Gay Rights Sleep-in
– Proud to Be Pederast Parents
–
Chlamydia Victims Cookout
– Immoral Mothers of __________ County
—
ATTITUDE –
While I was working as an agricultural consultant in Latin America
recently, I found a wonderful story that would make Norman Vincent Peale’s
well-springs of
humanity overflow. The lady in this story has the best
possible attitude for coping with being
either Hayduker or Haydukee.
This American tourist Yuppie lady awoke in her Cancun condo
way
beyond her normal 7 a.m. Nautilus time and was feeling very fierce. She
groaned a
few times, whined about drinking too much wine cooler, then
realized that there was something
wrong with her hair.
She stuck her fashionably thin hand up there, felt around and found a
recall the latter
part of the evening, she thought and thought.
Giving up with a pained look of resignation, she
whines, "Well, either
I got married again last night or I was puked on by a
Chinaman."
— AUTO DEALERS –
The Skull really does have a
sense of fair humor when he deals with
these purveyors of generally putrid products. As
before, he had another run-
in with a car dealer who screwed him on a badly misrepresented
vehicle.
After the usual honest and open attempts to right this wrong, Skull thought
of
other ways.
He set up a lemon stand in a public area outside the dealership after
taking
out the necessary "street-merchant" license to peddle the fruit. It
cost five
dollars. He made a large sign that read: WHY PAY THOUSANDS FOR A
LEMON ACROSS THE STREET? In
smaller type, it read: I’LL GIVE YOU A FREE
LEMON.
And, Skull did.. passing out dozens
of lemons to bemused would-be
customers of the dealer. Some tossed their lemons at the
salesmen
standing outside the dealership trying to wish away Skull’s legal form of
Haydukery.
"After an hour and a half nobody had gone into the dealership"
reports Skull. "The service manager came over and tried to provoke a fight.
A friend of
mine, who had been preprimated, called the police and the local
TV stations. We got a lot more
coverage than I even planned."
Skull says that the very same evening the dealership’s
manager got in
touch with him and agreed to make right the previous screwing-over our hero
— AUTOS –
You remember Alex Foley,
the Detroit cop, who suggested good ideas for
bad guys? Here’s a sample of his fun for their
rides: a banana in the tail
pipe has the same effect as the Hauduke potato but it’s a lot less
dangerous
for the person standing behind the car.
I can’t vouch for this, but if old
Shadow says it works, it does. he
has been around. But, let’s say your mark has a car you
don’t like either.
According to Shadow, you can take a Spaulding Ping Pong ball – he says
it
has to be a Spaulding because of the chemical makeup – fill it with liquid
drain
cleaner, using a hypodermic needle, then wrap black electrical tape
all around.
"Drop that sucker in the vehicle’s gas tank and it will stand that car
on its nose,"
says Shadow. "You can experiment with the amount of tape you
use according to how much
time you need to get away.. the more tape there
is, the longer it takes for the gas to eat
through."
Next is a hotshot in the dark from Shadow. Use some crazy-type glue to
adhere a shotgun shell to a hot part of your mark’s auto or bike engine. As
a humanitarian,
Shadow suggest that (1) you don’t work on an engine part
that is hot, and (2) it would be nice
to remove the shot load from the shell
first, but leave the wadding in place.
Shep from
Denver has a dilly way to get even with a car tinkerer who’s
done him some dirt. Shep says,
"Just put a half dozen of those baby dills in
his gas-tank outlet. When that engine kicks
over and runs, the fuel pump
will suck those little dills right up into the gas line."
City, he retailed by
pulling his stunt on more than a few of the vehicles in
the police department’s official
automobile pool. Expensive mechanical chaos
was their repayment bill for his unjustified
bust.
It was good to hear from the Yakima Rt. 1 Auto Flush and his wife as
they share
some fun for your mark’s auto. First, they suggest removing a
couple spark plugs, dropping a
few small ball bearings into the cylinders,
and the replacing the plugs. The results are
expensive to repair, in the
neighborhood of $400 to $500 for labor alone.
Their next
idea will work wonderfully if the mark bought his or her car
from an out-of-town dealer. When
the mark is at work and the car is parked
in a non-patrolled zone, call a tow service and
explain there are problems
with "your" car. You must be "Mr. Mark/Owner"
during this call, ofcourse.
Have the car towed to the local dealership – hopefully on a
Friday
afternoon – and tell them you’re going away for the weekend and will get
back to
them Monday or Tuesday. As most dealers are slow, this vehicle could
sit for a week before
someone – the real owner and the police – start to get
seriously worried about it.
Does
your mark have a vehicle with an automatic transmission? Most do
these days, as many marks are
real wimps – prime market for the
autoshifters. Our Yakima mechanic says the solution is
simple: pour a quart
of battery acid in the transmission fluid. Soon, no transmission.
Several mechanics from the Pinkeln Auto Repair School suggested that
you have a friendly
mechanic reverse the sensor between the gas gauge and
the gas tank of your mark’s car. This
will be a lot of fun for you mark some
dark, stormy night miles from nowhere.
Mark
Hastings lives in a neighborhood full of stuffed shirts and
materialistic, bragging Yuppies.
He finally had some fun with the vehicle of
one from this breed of jerks. The air pressure in
the new metric radial
tires is fairly critical. Mark adjusted the air pressure in the mark’s
car
tire over a two-week period and had the snobbish Yuppie running the soles
off his
Nikes in frustration.
"I increased pressure in the right front to sixty pounds one night.
Two
nights later, I decreased the one to twenty pounds and increased the left
front to
sixty," Mark says.
Mark was able to learn when this Yuppie was taking his car into the
he
normalized the pressure.
"The dumb jerk spent about $200 on new parts and repair time,
plus the
dealer’s mechanics just kept putting new things on his car. It was great fun
hassling this fool," relates Mark.
We need more folk like Jennifer Marshall. Her mind is
magnificently
malevolent. But, alas, she’s on her own out there doing rotten things to
evil people as just another avenging angel.
Here is her latest. There are gasoline additives
that rid a car’s
engine of excess moisture. That is, unless you use three bottles on your
not only
belief, but also beyond workable stress. Hello, big repair bills.
And, from the fun world of
doing radio talk shows, I learned from
Denver Don that you can sour an auto battery into
inaction by filling it
with vinegar. Also, if you fill an auto’s gas tank with aircraft fuel,
it
will not be a happy experience for the vehicle, its owner, or the folks
standing
nearby when the owner tries to start’er up.
Can you believe that some guy by name of Dic
Smegma, who claims the
title of international revenge master, thinks that the stunts Nelson
Chunder
and I report to you are tame? Perhaps, though, Dick’s right. For example, he
suggests pouring crystallized drain cleaner into the gas tank of your mark’s
car.
"Want a demonstration?" Dick asks rhetorically. "Try one grain of the
stuff in
a teaspoon of gasoline before you move to anything operational."
I did. It creates quite
a reaction. This is an unsafe trick without
grand planning. Use a slow deliver system with
insulation or learn to run
faster than an explosion you don’t want to be caught in.
Dick’s stuff is fairly explicit, so you’ll be reading a great deal more
about him as you
peruse this book.
Remember "Send a Boy to Camp" Let’s buy a car for you mark, or,
at
least in your mark’s name. It may cost you $25 holding money or maybe a few
buck
more. But, you can do it. Fill out all the forms and if you’ve played
the salesperson just
right and he or she is hungry, you will get away with
it. Money speaks louder than ID.
Obviously, you must know your mark’s name
address and all that so you can fill in the binding
legal forms. Pay cash
for your small down payment, the leave. Or, see if the salesperson will
let
you drive the car to the bank to get loan money. You promise to drive right
back.
Park the car somewhere irregular and leave town with a friend. This
probably works best with a
used car and a hungry dealer. The legal hassle
for the mark remains the same.
You’ve been had by a friend who likes to fly bad checks. Moral
things. It’s
time to kick-start the tongues of the local gossip brigade. The
Baffling Radiologist suggests
that you post all of your "friend’s" bad debts
and credit risks on public location
bulletin boards, especially at
neighborhood groceries, supermarkets and malls. You can also
post the
culprint’s name on the lists of bad-check writers that a lot of business
carry
on their registers and checkout counters in full view to the public.
— BODY
PARTS –
I’m not sure if Ray came up with this one or not. We were all fairly
drunk down in Cabo San Lucas when the idea came up. Anyway, if your mark has
a morbid fear of
death and pieces of dead things, and most marks do or they
wouldn’t qualify as marks, as you
might beg, borrow or steal human body
parts from the nearest physiology or anatomy laboratory.
Send these to your
mark You can customize or personalize this in any way you wish. Whbat
the
hell, it’s a step up the evolutionary ladder from roadkill.
— BOMB
–
It’s not especially enlightening, but you could set off a road flare
or a
smoke bomb in your mark’s home. The flares are easier to deal with than
smoke bombs, now sold
openly to aid folks lost in big forests, which cause
more hassle. Can you imagine your mark
coping with 50,000 cubic feet of
white, blue or red smoke billowing around his or her
domicle?
Because of cost factors, the Provos in Ulster switched rom
conventional
explosives to chemical bomb a few years ago. Components or
these beasties are easily available
in rural and farming areas where
agricultural supply stores abound. In simple form, sugar
added to sodium
chlorate or sodium nitrate, along with nitrobenzene or diesel fuel as a
catalyst, makes a generic chemical bomb. Of course, these substances
together are as highly
unstable as those who use them in Ireland.
Anyway, there are many books available telling you
how to convert
handy backyard garden products into enough explosives to demolish your
mark’s chicken coop, outhouse or stash. Personally – well, no, I promised I
wouldn’t moralize
in this volume.
According to a fan who tells me he is a former state legislator from
New
England, one o the finer bombs ready for funny use is a television
picture tube from one of
the older, ten years or more, abandoned sets. They
blow up loudly.
"If your mark
has wronged you with his car, place one of these tubes
under his car frame where you know
movement will crush it. When the mark
moves the car, the tube will explode with a hell of a
blast and send glass
flying every which way. It might even cut some hoses on the car,"
our fan
exclaims with glee.
My God, an honest, used politican with some sense, including
one of
humor. No wonder he’s an ex.
— BOOKS –
Our same
reformed politican from New Hampshire wishes to share some
literary fun. If you have any marks
who can read, provide them with free
bookmarks. Our contributor suggests very thin slices of
cheese or cold cuts
(salami is great) between the pages. This will work well for the mark
who
has shelves of unread books just for the ego-image they afford him.
In addition to
their use as weapons themselves, books contain lots of
ammunition to be fired at your marks.
What follows is a collection of books
with themes, ideas and thoughts to help the neophyte
Hayduker. These books
are especially good friends:
* Hoffman, E.J. Nitration of
Toluene. Bradley, IL: Lindsay
Publications, 1984.
Want to make your own TNT? This
reprint of a turn-of-the-century manual
from the U.S. Bureau of Mines gives you a step-by-step
cookbook to adding
nitric acid to toluene.
* Horvitz, Simeon L. Legal Protection
for Today’s Consumer. Dubuque, IA:
Kendall Hunt, 1981.
A grand workbook, and
inspiration tome for folks interested in effectively
using consumer protection legislation and
available myriad legal emedies.
* Kneitel, Tom. Top Secret Registry of U.S. Government
Radio Frequencies.
Commack, N.Y: CRB Research, 1985.
* Peterson, Bozo and
Hendrick, J.G.The Roadkill Cookery Book. Phoenix:
Hillard-Townsend Frist Mate Press, 1985.
* Tayacan (pseudo). Psychological Operations in Guerrilla Warfare.
Washington:
Central Intelligence Agency, 1984.
Despite being the Company’s famed assassination
how-to boo-boo of the
’80s, this nifty number has some other mind-fornicating tricks in it
that
can be adapted by a creative Hayduker. See your tax dollars at work for
you.
* Thomas, Ralph D. Physical Surveillance Manual. Boulder: Paladin Press,
1984.
This is an excellent handbook by a very professional private investigator.
He gives
detailed instructions on gathering a lot of information on any
subject, aka, your mark.
* Weingard, George. Pyrotechnics. Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
Making your own fireworks for use against your enemies can be fun and
probably safer than
trying to smuggle them. This is a reprint of a rare
1947 "how-to" book that tells
and shows you how to make all sorts of fun
things.
* Worthen, K.J. Preserving the
Dead: The Art and Science of Embalming.
Bradley, IL: Lindsay Publications, 1984.
This is a reprint of a fairly grotesque and tacky book. The content aside,
I can see some
delightful uses for the art and science described herein.
It might also make a thoughtful gift
for someone you hate.
— BUCKET ABOVE THE DOOR –
Who else but Dick
Smegma would have the intestinal fortitude to update
this hoary old cliche Dick suggest
filling the old water bucket with
something more modern than water. His list includes liquid
skunk smell,
hydrochoric acid, horse urine or urined-down excrement. Dick says placement
is crucial. I add that disguising the smell, unless you’re dealing with a
drunk, allergy or
head-cold victim, is also vital.
— BUMPER STICKERS –
My buddy,
the Hombre for Justice, firit wrote me a sad letter telling
me how he was an unaggressive sort
of guy who was always being picked upon
and bullied, and how he hated himself. He read a
couple of my books, plus
suffered more nastiness by uncaring institutions and people who get
back at
his tormentors. It is an inspirational story that brings lumps to my eyes
and
tears to my throat.
Hombre likes to use bumper stickers and gets his printed salvation from
partial
inventory of the bumper stickers that Hombre uses on his mark’s
cars, buildings, offices,
homes, etc.
– SCREW LAZY AMERICANS, DRIVE A FOREIGN CAR
– GOD SUCKS
– GOD
SUCKS AND GIVES CHANGE
– I [HEARTH SIGN] COMMUNISM
– HAVE YOU HIT YOUR KID TODAY?
- (TEAM NAME) FANS ARE PUSSIES
– BIKERS ON HARLEYS ARE QUEER
– I’M MARRIED TOO, LET’S
SCREW
– FOR FREE SEX CALL (INCLUDE MARK’S NUMBER)
– HONK IF YOU WANT HEAD
Dick Smegma is a professional nasty man. Check out the big league style
he has for the use of
bumper stickers. First, Dick says they should never be
placed on a mark’s bumper. "Always
place them on the trunk lids and smooth
them down tight. Use the ’super-stick’ kind that
remove the paint when they
come off."
Finally, thanks to Shadow for a couple more
sticker ideas:
– I’M PROUD TO HAVE HERPES
– AID ME TO GET MORE AIDS
– I
[HEARTH SIGN] AIDS
– HERPES/AIDS, PASS IT ON
— CAMPERS –
Does it boil your temper over into the red area on a hot summer’s day
when some camper stays
in the communal comfort station (aka public crapper)
for twenty or thirty minutes reading the
newspaper? A fan by the name of
Wolfgang Creutzfeldt is only kidding around, of course, with
his solution to
this irritating face flusher.
"Get a tin can and fill it half full
of Koolaid – the drink for kids.
Then, set it inside the outside door of the crapper. Take a
red-hot coal
from a nearby camp fire and drop it into the Koolaid. Instant smoke! Lots of
with the
Koolaid. I’ve tried hot chili sauce with screaming success. It
makes a lot of truly obnoxious
smoke."
— CANDY –
My fellow author, Barney Vincelette,
edited this saggy dog tale into a
short, sweet stunt. Barney says to get some blood-inflated
ticks and
chocolate-coat candy them. Let them ripen a week. Serve them to your mark.
They burst in the mark’s mouth, not in your hand.
Bothersome Burt is happy to be a rotten egg
during the Easter holiday
season as he points out that candy eggs make a nice mark target. He
says to
slice off the top of the candy egg, leaving it still encased in the foil.
Remove
the sweet contents of the candy egg and replace with any sort of vile
concoction. Burt says
not to use liquids, though, as they leak. The
imagination almost goes into overload, however,
thinking of all the
disgusting solids and mushy things you can plant in there before you
close
it back up and gently melt the chocolate seam together again. Then squeeze
the
foil shut and serve.
— CHARLATANS –
Now, for some comedic relief,
brought to you by Lil Eddie Meese.
Remember our "Nobody’s hungry, cold in poverty, or
hurting in the USA,"
attorney general? Remember him? Here’s a fun little game you can
play with
other fascist friends.
1. Print Ronald Reagan’s full name (all three
of’em) on a paper.
2. Count the number of letters in each name.
3. Place the number
above the respective name.
4. Write all three numbers together, side by side.
5. Mail
the completed paper to Jerry Falwell.
This one makes them froth at the mouth every
time.
— CHEMICALS –
Here’s something from my politican friend
from New Hampshire. He says
that hydrogen sulfide (H2S) is the gas that gives rotten eggs
their
wonderful odor. High school chemistry classes use this gas for research. You
can
obtain small, openended glass vials of a compound that when heated
produces volumes of H2S.
While these vials are supposed to be in chemistry
experiments, you could use them to
experiment on your mark’s automobile
manifold, wood stove, radiator or some other spot in
which heat is
generated. Get the vials from a chemical supply shop.
The ingredients in
crystallized drain cleaner are very versatile
(See "Auto" section). You can also
toss an open can of this product in the
mark’s swimming pool – if it contains water. Dumping a
canful into a washer
during the final rinse is spectacular, too.
Remember our old friend
ipecac from my first book? It can also be
self-administrated if you want to make a mark’s
restaurant, for example,
very nervous about your illness. Here’s how it works. Eat a colorful
portion
of your meal. Go into the restroom and swallow the contents of a very small
container (one ounce or less) of a vomit-inducer that contains ipecac. Cut
the plastic bottle
up into pieces and flush them down the commode. Flush
twice more to be sure. Go back out and
resume your meal. In about ten
minutes you will be wracked by projectile vomiting. Be creative
and use all
your acting ability here to get maximum splatter and mass audience effect.
According to a pamplet distributed by the International Brotherhood of
Barfing Engineers, a
good way to do this is "to move erratically and quickly
among the other diners as you
appear to be headed toward the bathroom. Your
real objective, of course, is to strafe as many
people as possible with your
vomitus."
This is a grand way to mess up someone’s
home or get back at a
restaurant or other mark that made you literally ill in one form or
the
another. Advice: Try a dry run (no pun) first so you see how you can handle
this
self-administered ipecac attack. Normally, the real thing is over in
about five minutes and
you’ll have no aftereffects. Now, let’s move on from
puking to planting, or rather,
unplanting.
Even though your local K-Mart sells OK weed-killers and other
commercial
herbicides, you can get even better and more efficient vegetation
wasters at farm supply
stores. A fine gentleman known as the King of
Lexington offers the advice that many splendid
plant-killer chemicals are
available there. Being an old farm boy, he’d know.
"An
example of an easily available and safe herbicide is Monsanto’s
Round-Up which can be aerially
applied to a mark’s lawn or garden by water
balloon, or you can use a sprayer to write nasty
words or whole messages if
you have the space," our monarch notes.
Meanwhile,
moving to the fabric section, it’s nice to learn that
methyl violet will permanently stain
clothing. A little of it in any laundry
soap will go a long way in ruining your mark’s
wardrobe. According to Tanya
of Long Beach, a box of Rit or Tintex dye will also. This is a
grand idea
for apartment laundry rooms where your mark is regular.
— CIA
–
As old Papa Doc from Haiti used to say before being bumped and dumped
by the
CIA, "Only the knife knows what’s in the heart of the yam."
Obviously, our
government does have a sense of humor. How else can you
explain the operations of the Central
Intelligence Agency?
A good friend of mine is a reporter for National News Service and he
that
secret CIA assassination manual (see "Books"). Yup, this was long
before the
Washington Press Corp discovered it and thus made it real.
Anyway, if you think the CIA
doesn’t have a sense of humor, you should
see the early issue of "CIA Comix," their
infamous illustrated manual for
mayhem and murder that was given to Contra terrorist down
there to show them
how to do illegal things to the legally elected government of Nicaragua.
the Contras so I was
able to read this comic book that you and I overpaid
some CIA consultant to plagiarize, write,
illustrate, print and distribute.
It contains a lot of interesting stunts that you could adopt
for your own
use. For starters, report late for work, then slough off the rest of the
day. Clog toilets in your office and other buildings. Leave water running.
Damage expencive
office equipment. Make false airline and hotel
reservations. Call in false fire and police
alarms. Cut telephone lines.
Spray-paint anti-government slogans. Waste public officials. On
the last
one, the CIA insisted it did not mean to murder them. Bull. Most public
officials are a waste anyway so what’s it matter, as one of my old CIA chums
once said.
Order your copy now. Write the publisher, the CIA, and be the first kid
on your block to
topple someone’s infrastructure, or to start an
insurrection. If the CIA is out of copies,
check with some of the commercial
publishers who did rip-off versions.
—
COMMUNISM –
With the second coming of the Reaganistas, the old bogey word
"communism" has been dug up again to scare anyone who doesn’t march along
with the
other mindless cattle in Cowboy Ronny’s herd of unthinking
Americans. That’s why Chris
Schaefer has a grand idea to take advantage of
this unnatural, national paranoia.
Get a
copy of official letterhead from the USSR, Cube or some of the
Sovjet’s Middle East satellite
countries. That’s easy enough, just write to
their government with some inane question that
needs only a routine reply.
Take their letterhead logo either to your printer or to a copy
machine to
make new, blank letterhead. Now, type some sort of cryptic, code-appearing
message on it … like "The red fish sails" or "Bach comes alive in thirty
days," or some silliness like that. Mail this letter to your mark who works
for a large
defense contractor or one of the sensitive government agencies.
Hope that the secretary will
open the mail first – this is usually
the case. With luck she will show it to the mark’s
superior or to security
people.
— COMPUTERS –
Eons ago, it
seems, I told you about the advent of X-rated computer
games. Now, Bothersome Burt refines
this trend. He knew a guy in school who
used to cheat on computer assignments by using other
people’s programs. Burt
decided to share, too.
"Make a copy of one of those ‘dirty
old men’ X-rated game disks, making
sure it has really obscene graphics. Label it with the
mark’s name and the
identification of some popular program, then put it in the school’s
computer
room library. Red faces in the sunset," Burt says with a chortle.
— CONDOMS –
If you’re a spouse of a mark who is always unfaithful, here’s
an
idea. Send him or her a condom filled with mayonnaise and include this note:
"You forgot this souvenir last night." Even if you’re the other party
involved, you
can do the same thing.
— CONVENIENCE STORES –
There has been a
disturbing trend across the U.S. where local
right-think Bible thumpers are blackmailing
convenience store management
into banning harmless magazines from their shelves. For instance,
in the
East, the Sheetz chain of quickie stops banned such horrible publications as
Playboy because a group of religious loonies threatened to boycott them. In
other parts of the
country, 7/11 stores fell to the same pressure from these
mindless slimeballs.
Enough
idiotorializing (editorials about idiots), let’s do
something. For that, I call on our dynamic
duo, Filthy McNasty and his fine
friends Vera, for help. Here’s their plan.
Locate the
most disgusting pictures you can find. Use your
imagination to locate something that will
disgust everyone, even farm
animals. Reproduce this photograph on the type of advertising
flyer that
stores put under windshield wipers of cars parked in large shopping malls.
Along with the photo, put some advertising slogans like "You can’t beat our
meat,"
or "Get your rocks off here," or, "If you think this looks like fun,
ask our
clerk about the daily special." Then, include in large type the name
of the store you
want to Hayduke.
Don’t feel sorry for the store. These gutless wimps surrendered to
our
enemy in the battle for freedom. Freedom of our minds is far too
valuable to surrender to some
evil bluenose wearing his hypocritical
God-squad mask.
— COOKOUTS –
As noted earlier, Mark Hastings is a prisoner of Yuppieland.
Happily, he has
discovered another way of doing guerrilla warfare against
his captivites.
"I found
that soaking charcoal briquettes in transmission fluid and
then replacing them in Mr. Yuppie’s
bag is spectacular fun. He soaks them in
lighter fluid and lights them up. You would not
believe the smoke. All the
Yuppies wimp off inside to get away from that horrible lung
pollution."
— CORRECTIONS –
A number of loyalists wrote to
correct M. Chunder’s error in Mad as
Hell over hookahs and bongs. We both apologize, although
I don’t know why I
am, as it was his stupid error, not mine. Anyway, neither of us are
dopers.
In fact, he thought hookahs were New Englands prostitutes and I thought a
bong
was something from the start of a J. Arthur Rank Organization film.
Sigh.
We stand
corrected now, so stop sending us all the free samples.
What will we do with them all?
— CUSTOMS SERVICE –
If your mark has been or will travel out of the
country, you might
want to help make a memorable return home by filling out a U.S. customs
airports. After
being creatively completed, it can be left in an airport,
smuggled into a custom area or given
to airport security. It would all
depend how and upon whom you chose to use it.
— DEAD ANIMALS –
Thanks and a tip of the Hayduke halo to Tim W. Newton for
this
charming use for previously live animals. Tim used to use full-size roadkill
for
Haydukery, then he got into the idea of nerve terror after reading M.
Chunder’s last book.
attention to him or
her," Tim says with a glee. "What I do is get very small
dead animals and birds,
like chipmunks, baby bunnies, or sparrows. I nail
them to a cross or board. Sometimes I paint
funny designs on them or on the
board. I always try to include a photo of the mark and/or his
family which
I’ve taken with a long telephoto lens."
That, I imagine, could just
shake the effluvia out of anyone.
You remember Carla Savage. She says that roadkill and other
dead
animals are like cops, they’re never around when you need one. But, since
moving to
California, she has found a remedy to this shortage of dead
animals.
"Being in the
horse business, I know a lot of people with big old
barns. Big old barns have rats. They also
have rat traps, poison and
ill-paid illegals from Mexico to dispose of the rodents."
twenty-five cents per
rat, more if the rat is really big and gross," Carla
writes. "When I told them what
I planned to do, they were thrilled at my
getting back at some rich creep, so they began to
volunteer things for my
collection of putrescent carcasses-dead lizards, jack rabbits, snakes,
and
something so large and foul that even Chief Medical Examiner Quincy couldn’t
identify it."
Carla’s little zoo soon began to appear in the swimming pool, tennis
court and, eventually, the water well of her neighbor, a man who had given
her and her own
live animals mega-reasons for revenge.
— DEATH POOL –
The credit
for this fine bit of American ingenuity goes to Barb, Ray
and Tim. With some modification you
can make it work on your mark. You send
a memo or call your mark on the telephone. Ask if
he/she wants in on "The
Death Pool." Explain that the player coming the closest to
the actual death
date of the subject in the next six months wins the pool. When asked the
you."
As a visual aide, you might create a Death Pool calendar with the
choices
listed. Display it in a high-traffic location in the office, dorm,
barracks or whatever.
— DIPLOMAS –
You know the insecure, sissy kids who sort of grew up to
be wimps
today? These are the folks who hide their lack of talent, skills, security,
balls, brains, beauty, common sense, humanism, humorlessness, etc., behind
job title, degrees,
rank, position or marriage. One of their telltale spoor
is the glass-framed credential,
usually in the office or open-to-guests area
of the home.
Chester the Spoon says,
"Use permanent markers to make big slashes
across their credential security
shields."
— DOG WASTE –
Bill Overton of Granite City, IL,
was not fond of his neighbor’s
canies because of their annoying habit of loud, long nighttime
conversations
back and forth, plus their dumping of softball-sized piles of excrement on
his lawn. Bill decided to act.
Concerned that this behavior was caused by improper diet,
Bill
soaked some small sponges in bacon grease, a culinary delight favored by the
fair,
four-legged street dweller os Granite City. He dispensed these doggie
hors d’oeuvres, and the
doggies loved them. Unhappy, their digestive systems
did not, and they were unable to pass
feces or the sponges onto Mr.
Overton’s lawn. How sad. They became bloated with flatus and
other
complications.
Happily, a veterinarian was able to save the dogs from their own
to move away
before Bill Overton found a way to feed him, too.
— DOGS –
My
friend Carla is obviously a lover of life and of animals. She has
a great idea for people –
short of just killing them – who like to harm
animals. Carla points out that there are few
laws against abuse of animals
that don’t involve official witnesses, officers and all that.
But, you can
use what laws there are. Carla says that in most states you can legally
seize (gently, please) any dog that sets paw on your property. Call the
local animal control
folks to come and take the dog to the pound. It takes
the owner between twenty and fifty
dollars to bail out the dog when you
press the trespass charges.
Another tip Carla
passes along when you decide to declare an
obnoxious dog MIA is to "lose" its
rabies-shot tag. This will add some extra
bucks to the bailout. Carla says most pounds don’t
have the time or
inclination to identify individual animals, thus forcing the owner to
personally drive in to look over the catch of the day.
Be careful when planning this stunt
that you take into consideration
the owner who might not care enough to buy back the dog, and
what happens to
the animal if nobody claims it.
I forgot to tell Carla that in their own
world, dogs have a pound
where they tow stray humans. Sometimes they perform medical
experiments on
them, in humane fashion, of course. In any case, beware of any animal
hospital whose staff vet is a named Mengele.
— DOLLS –
You know
those soft-sculptured, adoptable dolls that are the current
rage? Take advantage of the fact
that some alleged people, including
chronological adults, are more attached to these ugly con
jobs that to other
humans or live, traditional pets.
It gets the old mind to tinkering
away in its evil closet.
Here, directly from the mind of Reinhard Wunken, are some suggestion
if
your mark holds dear a cabbage-head kid:
– Assassinate the thing, using a
highly graphic form of attack, e.g.
decapitation, dismemberment, crusifixion, etc.
–
Have it sexually assaulted by the neighbor’s dog, or, if the actual act is
impossible to
create, a composite photo would be the next best thing.
– put on a one-scene act from
"Joan of Arc" with the kid in the title role.
– Send the kid to summer camp, in
Lebanon.
— DOPERS –
The word "dopers" attracts
attention. The beauty of this stunt is that
it will work well against any jerk or jerkess that
you’d like to see in
trouble with his parents, boss or other authority figure. It’s simple,
too.
You call the mark’s home or work telephone number in hopes the authority
figure
answers. A bit of a research could narrow that to actually happening.
Here’s a sample of what
to say.
"Hello. Is (mark’s full name) there?"
Authority figure
answers negatively and request a message. If
not, you ask if you can leave a brief message.
"The message is that I paid for my dope and that little creep
better deliver it
or I’m gonna have some street people [ or
bikers ] rip his/her face off. You got that [ bitch,
lady, punk
or whatever name you with to use ] ? I get my dope by tomorrow
or that little
AIDS bait [ relationship ] of yours is deat
meat."
It is likely this rather
one-sided conversation will create some
interesting additional conversation when the gist of
the call is explained
to the mark, proving once again that a milligram of prevention is worth
a
kilo of cure. In one way or another we have Sid, Chris and UCM to thank for
this
one.
— DRIVEWAYS –
Here’s another blast from the brain of the
Skull. He saves old, dirty
motor oil instead of recycling it through the oil companies as an
obedient
citizen should. He waits for some dark, rainy night, then spreads five or
six
gallons of this murky mess on the driveway of his hated mark. It works
better if the driveway
is slightly sloped, as most are. If Skull ever sells
the movie rights to this thing, we should
call it Tarmac the Barbarian.
— ELECTRIC POWER –
Somebody you
know running a power trip on you, flexing the ego-bully
muscles of a new job, promotion or
whatever? Black out his ambition by
switching his or her home fuse box or circuit breaker box
in the the "power
off" mode. Then, padlock or spot-weld the box shut. Bleme the
Nazis, the
KKK, the Democrats or some other cult by leaving a crude note.
– ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES –
Many Haydukery fans suggested this one so it really isn’t
new. But
maybe you’d forgotten it, so pay attention now. You are all aware of the
removable power-cord block at the back of many TV sets, small ovens and
other appliances. It’s
called the "interlock."
Select your mark’s appliance that you wish to sabotage and
unplug the
interlock. Using clear nail polish, cover the male pins thoroughly with a
good, heavy coating. Let dry. Replace the interlock. The appliance will not
operate.
The
fun really cuts loose, of course, when the frustrated mark finally
takes the inoperable
appliance to a service center. Big, big repair bills as
well as frustration for the repair
person, as most don’t spot the trickery.
— EXPLOSIVES –
Another
booming expert comes along with a formula to rattle windows.
St. Petersburg’s Captain Video
says to poke a small fuse hole in a Ping Pong
ball with an ice pick. The slice the ball almost
completely open, but not
totally, at its circumference, using a razor blade. Load the ball
with any
of the mixtures of explosive we’ve used in past books. Captain Video says to
use a portion of mixed with three-quarters of a cup of superfine German
black aluminum powder.
Put some six to nine inches of fuse in the hole and
seal the ball with nail polish. Captain
Video says this will give you "a
cherry bomb unlike any you have ever used."
— FECES –
According to the Hombre of Justice, human feces mix well with
chocolate
or coffee ice cream and because of the freezing involved, the odor is
eliminated. This stunt gives new meaning to the order, eat shit!
Animal feces has application
beyond agricultural manure. Our faithful
fan, Babs Barfly, lives near a bunch of pigeons and
always scarfs up a fresh
supply of their gooey white droppings an stores it, later to be
substituted
for cracker spread or dip in the mark’s kitchen.
"Rabbit pellet cookies
are an excellent substitute for chocolate chips
… gets the mark away from all those harmful
sweets," she adds.
— FINANCIAL FUN –
The Shadow knows, even
if he’s from Chicago. Let’s say your mark is a
heavy gambler and owes money. You get some
nasty-voiced goon to call (choose
one or more) the mark’s best friend, employer, spouse,
parents, parole
officer, etc, and say something like:
"Your [friend, spouse
or whatever] owes ['Loanshark Eddie' or some
other name with real Mob clout in the ares] two
grand. He says you’ll take
care of it today personally. So, Crazy Larry and Knuclebuster Spike
are
gonna be there in two hours to collect the money offa you. Need I say more?
Good
bye!"
It take little imagination to imagine the results of that telephone
call.
— FOOD –
Consulting the menu from Aunt Nancy’s Kitchen, we
discover that you can
burn your mark if you insert some fun into his or her personal,
homemade
assembly line of cake and cookies. The major idea is to ice the bakes goods
with something yucky. What comes to mind is bacon grease icing. Try it on
your mark’s cookies
and cakes. Some food coloring should hide the smell.
Would you like to freak out some real rat
who has mistreated you to
horrible dinners and other meals? Invite him or her to your place,
or,
better yet, to a neutral location for dinner. Slip a couple of mice or rats
into a
blender with other ingredients of your choice and make whipped
delight. Put it into a baked
shell, pie, quiche or whatever is in at the
moment. But be sure to name it.
Let your
mark eat it. Wether or not you inform the mark what was eaten,
when or how, is up to you.
Bea McStates, a
true Yuppie master, one of the newer trends is to volunteer
food from your plate to the plates
of others. Here’s how Billy Bea does it.
"I slurp up a bite of something, chew it around
for awhile, then offer
it out, saying, ‘Hey, wanna try some of my food?" They think it’s
gonna be
fresh off a plate, least ways until I spit what’s been wetly masticated in
my
mouth onto their spoon or directly onto the mark’s plate.
— FOOTWEAR –
Did you ever want to float someone’s footwear? Gary Signora found it
fun to pee into a
beaker, then pour the output into his mark’s deck shoe,
rubber overshoe or winter boot.
Sometimes, he peed into a plastic bag and
then fit that inside his mark’s footwear.
Why
does he do such urinary things?
"A few months ago, my brother left my shoes outside in
the rain after
he’d borrowed them. I raised hell. He said it would never happen again. Then
me he did it
cause he was pissed. What else could I do? I pissed in his
shoes."
—
FOUR WHEELERS –
Four-wheel drive vehicles are great, useful and valuable.
Sometimes,
though, idiots obtain these prime vehicles and do rude things to other
people’s property. This where CW of Hastings drives in with a great payback.
His is a simple
idea that befits the simple-minded Brotherhood of
Rednecked Baboons who misuse these fine
machines. When the weather is
horrible, ice or snowy, or the goon is in a desert dune, simply
unlock one
of the hubs on his vehicle. he has locked them both and assumes they are
locked. You unlock only one. He drives as if his vehicle were in four-wheel
drive. It’s not.
Disaster ahead. Or, behind.
— FREAKY STUFF –
Thank the Shadow for
this excursion into the occult. If you want to
terrify your mark more than hurt her/him,
follow these simple directions.
Get to your mark’s bedroom window. Take a glass cutter and
gently cut a
square hole in the glass. Be careful not to cut the whole way through the
glass. Choose a biker’s glove that is just larger than the hole, or the
other way around, and
glue it over the cutting on the outside of the window.
If you can’t get a glove, a photo will
do. The idea is that a biker has left
his calling card and may reappear anytime.
Scared?
I bet your mark sleeps on his or her back for a long time after
the stunt… if sleep
comes.
Next freak shot is when you hire a really disgusting and gross person
and put him
on her in a really disgusting outfit. You are going to take
revenge on someone who really
irritated you. It could be a former sweetie,
boss or whomever.
This person you have
hired to do your freaky stunt must be a terrible
sight. You must insist that he/she have a
huge head cold or sinus condition
as a prelude to employment. When he/she gets to your mark’s
home and the
mark swings open the door, your disgusting stooge shouts "Boogergram,
Boogergram!!!" and blows his/her nose fully on the mark, pulls the door
shut, and leaves
as fast as possible.
— FURNITURE –
Sherry of Palm Springs has a
true vandal’s way of getting back at
somebody’s furniture when the host/hostess or furniture
has been nasty to
her. For instance, she says if they have a beanbag char, she makes a
small
slice in it with her razor-knife. Or, she makes several slices. The weight
of the
next occupant and gravity will carry this stunt to completion.
— GASOLINE
STATIONS –
Does the pump jockey dribble gasoline all over your car? Does he wipe
your windshield with a greasy rag? Was a simple twenty-dollar tune-up
upgraded to a
fifty-dollar rip-off? Is it any wonder you’re not happy with
the owner of this
service-oriented business?
Simply remove the inspection stickers that your state bureau of
been tested and
found to be accurate. The station owner will be in REAL
trouble if you do that. Do your duty
as a good citizen, too, and report to
the proper officials that there are no stickers on Mr.
Mark’s pumps.
— GRAFFITI –
Obviously, graffiti are very useful
little musings from the walls of
toilets, walls, buses, overpasses, etc., and make up the
philosophy of
America’s street scholars. These graffiti also make great slogans for
T-shirts, bumper stickers, letterheards or, in their purest form, can be
spray-painted on
something belonging to your mark.
According to our veteran contributor Geneth, paint pens are
the best
invention for graffiti artists since walls. Geneth says you should always
buy
the large size, too, as it lasts longer and is cheaper. Paint pens do a
neater job and are
easier to hide than cans of spray paint.
When the politically controlled Nuclear Regulatory
Agency was ordered
from the White House to light up Three Mile Island by starting the
reactors,
some dissident friends of your author scribbled some large painted noticed
on
bridges and other natural billboards along the Pennsylvania Turnpike:
"HERSHEY, PA: IT
MELTS INTO THE GROUND, NOT IN YOUR HAND."
Here are some prime examples of specific
graffiti you can use:
– To all Virgins – thanks for nothing!
– When I want your
advice, I’ll beat it out of you.
– When the going gets tough, the tough go drinking
(doping)
– When all else fails, lower your standards
– I survived Catholic schools
- It’s not pretty being easy
– Life is a bitch, then you die
– Reality is for people who
lack imagination
– A woman’s place is in the mall
– Cocaine is God’s way of telling you
that you’re making too
much money
– When God made man she was only funning
– Yuck
Fou
– We’ll get along better as soon as you realize I am god
– Real men don’t have
floppy discs
– Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.
– Life is too important
to be taken seriously
– Get stoned, drink wet cement
– I love the immoral minority
— GRAVE SITES –
If you really want to spook some primary or secondary
mark, mess with
the burial site of an appropriate, symbolic, but dead mark. Maybe that one
to this grave
question.
He says to pour sulphuric or hydrochloric acid on the grass atop of the
markee’s site. It will kill vegetation more quickly than standard
herbicides. I can think of
all sorts of fun, secondary things you could add
to this stunt to make it really twilight-zone
time. I bet you can, too.
Desmond Dosdose is fifty-three years old and has been a hard worker
for
the past thirty-four years, totally loyal to his company. He was ordered
into early
retirement at less than a justified amount after his employer
sold out for a huge profit
within two hours of pledging to employees he
would not sell out if they would agree to a wage
giveback of 30 percent. The
"clever" owner did this to make his business a more
attractive sales
package. He sold and ran.
Viewing his professional death as being worth
a fun, live one, Desmond
sought a trusted friend in another state who had another friend who
was a
stone mason. Some dollars changed hands and a very realistic tombstone was
created
in the name of the former business owner who’d lied to and cheated
his 175 employees. The name
and date of birth were correct. The date of
death was two months in advance.
The
tombstone was photographed and made into postcards. These were sent
to the boss who was now
"retired" in Florida. A copy was sent to his wife
who was still in the Northeast,
selling the house and joining him later. In
the meantime, the original tombstone was planted
in the front lawn of the
business.
Would you believe it spooked the new owners enough
that final signings
were delayed six months, which made it necessary for the former owner
to
make four very expensive trips back.
In the meantime, several people from all over
the U.S., friends of our
hero, began to call both the mark and his wife every few days
saying,
"Only _____ days left to live. Are you ready to die? How does it feel to be
a dead man?"
OK, enough light humor, it’s back to heavy time. If you really want to
shatter your mark, as in "do the sucker in," here you go. Borrow some very
uninhibited friends, truck them to the gravesite of your mark’s close
family. Using a Polaroid
camera, have your associates perform sexual and
scatological acts up the grave site and stone,
then mail the photos to your
mark.
— GROSS OUT –
An
undeserving couple was nistly undercut by a Yuppie hostess at a
neighborhood party. Being only
wimps, they applied for help from a friend
who had graduated from a Haydukery School of
Mayhem. Here’s what he did.
"I went to the lady’s next party as a guest and took a can of
instant
whipped cream with me inside my coat," recalls Pablo Gorman. "The lady’s
minorites, stuff
like that. I got ready for my turn.
"Before going in front of the group, I filled my
mouth with the whipped
cream. The, I strode out and stood in front of the hostess. I began
to
stroke my neck up and down, starting slowly, then going more rapidly. Within
a few
moments, I moaned, bulged my eyes, opened my mouth and spewed the
whipped cream all over her
face."
In the climatic confusion, Pablo Gorman quickly left, the message
intact.
— GUN DEALERS –
If your potential mark is a federally licensed gun
dealer, you can
target his posterior in rapid-fire big trouble by reporting him to the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms, a federal bureau that enforces gun
laws, often
beyond their letter. Most dealers fear the BATF the way Jewish
folks feared the Gestapo in
WWII’s Germany.
The best way to attract attention to the dealer is to call BATF and
tell
them the dealer is selling guns without paperwork, selling to kids and
fancying stolen guns.
Another idea would be to buy an ad in the local
newspaper on behalf of your gun dealer/mark
and advertise that he sells live
machine guns cheap and without all the federal paperwork.
Stress in your ad
that the dealer has "found a loophole in the fed’s stupid law"
that lets him
sell machine guns freely. Clip the ad and send it to BATF in Washington.
It’s true that most gun dealers are very honest, fill-in-all-the-
paperwork legal people, so
use this stunt only if the mark is a true bastard
or crook. The fun can come if your mark is
not a licensed gun dealer. Better
yet, if he or she hates guns, then you have a perfect mark
for another BATF
scam. Plant weapons and dummy sales records, and make actual sales to
hoods
in the mark’s name, and so on. Then, report Mr. Anti-gun to the feds as an
unlicensed dealer.
— GUNS –
After Edgar got ripped off, then
physically busted up in a drug deal at
his local bikers’ bar, he had some fun. Considering
that he was going to
split for Panama on a permanent basis, he decided to "act" as a
purchasing
agent for that biker group in making a deal for some "off-paper"
street
guns, i.e., guns not properly registered and sold. He knew he was dealing
with
undercover agents of the BATF.
"I set up the deal and pulled in a few of the brothers who
had me beat
up, letting them think that I was trying to get back into favor," Edgar
told
me. "I got the deal set, then I split. I learned that four of my former
brothers got busted in Maryland on federal gun charges and are going to do
about three to five
years each. Good news."
Alonzo Hitler bought one of those very realistic-looking
replica
submachine guns after his boss literally walked away from his gambling debt
to
Alonzo by pointing a loaded pistol "near" Alonzo’s testicles, and telling
him the
debt was paid.
"Enough of that bull. I got the replica submachine gun and got a
girlfriend to drive," Alonzo said. "I knew the boss was out of town for the
day so
we took his very recognizable Continental from where he’d parked it.
"She was behind the
wheel and we drove all over town. I had done a bit
of disguise makeup and had dressed the way
my boss always dressed so from a
distance I looked like him. Every time we came near a crowd,
I waved the
fake gun out of the car window. People scattered.
"We drove through a
mall parking lot and I screamed at a group of
senior citizens waiting for their buss, ‘Get
down or I’ll blow your
worthless heads off.’"
This went on for only ten minutes as
Alonzo and friend figured the
police would be beaming along soon. The boss had parked his
continental at
the airport which is where Alonzo and his girlfriend left it – thirty
minutes before El Jefe’s flight was due in.
When the boss landed and walked up to his car, he
found several police
cars and some very antsy officers waiting for him with their own, very
real
guns drawn. They wanted to discuss his gun waving car ride that afternoon.
Airline
alibi? The boss had no airline alibi. He had faked the flight
and ducked out the side door of
the airport to meet his extramarital sweetie
in the car for a trip to a nearby motel. She
brought him back in time to
"come off" the flight and appear to be arriving home to
his wife and family.
Alonzo knew all of this, of course.
"It took a month and about
$1,300 of his lawyer’s time to straighten
out all of this," Alonzo reports. "I’m not
sure how it all came out at home,
though. Poorly, I hope."
— HAIR
–
You may have to think about his original idea for a few moments to
appreciate
all the ramifications of disrespect, taboo and mind-mess
involved. Put simply, mail hair to
your mark. Mail public hair or go to a
barber shop and collect sweepings of hair. You can be
subtle or you can be
gross.
One of my milder friends gets back at club or disco bars
with bad
entertainment and heavy cover charges by pasting public hair on the mouths
of
women pictured on promo posters promting the band or singers.
If you’re a waitress, bartender
or customer, you can plant pubic hair
in people’s drinks and food. Think about the mental
anguish. Always pick a
good taboo like this for fun revenge on someone’s mind. Hair’s thinking
of
you, kid.
— HALLOWEEN –
As a lot of people have known
through the years, Halloween is a fine
time for having fun with serious intent, i.e., a great
time to get even.
Suppose your mark lives in one of those security bound buildings
protected
by closed circuit TV, guards and all that. Wait until Halloween, when a lot
of
guests will be entering the building in costume or other disguises.
Have a very trusted friend
who has no connection with the mark rent
your costume for you. Both of you will need airtight
alibies in the event
the police got involved, i.e., if your stunt is really awful.
You
dress in the surrogate-rented suit and do your dirty work. All that
the guards or the video
cameras note is "someone" in your costume. Frankly,
unless a truly sensational crime
is involved, police have more vital things
to do than chase down a prankster in a Halloween
suit on Halloween night.
Although others had the same basic idea, the icon of creation here
was dick
Smegma.
When I was a kid, we had this old grump in the neighborhood who was
our
mark because he was such a mean old prick all year-round. Halloween was our
one
night to get even and usually did. But those were the innocent years.
Today, new generations
would deal with him in a different fashion, as you’ll
see.
Take advantage of all the
media hype about sickies who poison candy or
stick razor blades in kiddies’ goodies. This
time, you or a very trusted
friend plant the poison or the blades in your own kid’s stash or
that of
the friend’s kid. Make sure you have some witnesses when you "check" your
Of course, in your intelligence-gathering
stage earlier, you learned
what sort of goodies the mark is handling out. Duplicate it. Now,
for the
surprise – you "find" the doctored stuff and announce that your kid got
it
from "Mr. Mark" The Kid will probably agree, because he or she did get that
sort of treat there. Make sure you have removed the other examples of that
treat from the bag
before "breaking your case."
Call the police. Follow up with a civil lawsuit for
millions or you get
publicity. Even if all the hype falls through, listen to the
word-of-mouth
reputation you’ve created. A good way to poison the old neighborhood well,
as it were.
— HEALTH NOTICE –
You need to have professional
printing to get this stunt started. That,
and human nature, will assure that the stunt works,
says Dick Smegma, a
master who lost his amateur status years ago. Here’s the deal. Get
phony
forms printed that look as if they’re from your state’s health department.
Use all
the official seals, etc. This is why you need to have a friendly
printer in your trust.
Use the form to report to your mark that he/she has been sexually
active with a partner who
has been positively diagnosed as having AIDS. The
form should carry the warning, "Please
refrain from sexual relations of any
kind until we can diagnose your case." Tell the mark
to bring this form in
person to (address of local clinic filled in) on (set a date and
time).
Include some reference numbers, case numbers, etc. Insist that the mark
bring
along any spouse or regular sexual partner, too.
The mark will be in panic, especially if
he/she is a straight arrow. It
could cause all sorts of fun with spouses, friends, employers,
etc. Also,
think of the yuks when he/she shows up at the clinic.
— HIGH
SCHOOL –
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when he was a young
tad, Colorado’s Bill Basque remembers how his ana rival high school
cooperated to stop
senseless vandalism. Bill says the student councils at
the two schools signed a pact saying
that the senior class treasury would be
used to pay for any damages done to the rival school
before, during and
after "the big game."
"We had one guy who was a little
bit craftier that the rest. He lined
up some very sensible damage to our school using the
other school’s name and
colors; then he planted some incriminating personal property evidence
he’d
managed to acquire from some kids who went to the rival school.
"Naturally,
his little counter terrorist stunt caused and uproar,
depleted the other senior class’s
treasury and ruined their senior prom. He
was a bright kid. I think he works for the
Republican National Committee
now," Bill muses.
— HOMES –
write me a letter
explaining how he moonlights as an interior decorator.
Join me as I share some of his
professional suggestions.
"I had a guy at work who really screwed me a couple times on
borrowed
money and was nasty and gloaty about it. I got the biggest Mason jar I could
find and filled it with samples of paint, wood stains, glues, old motor oil,
ketchup, animal
blood, puke and all sorts of nasty crap. Nothing fancy, I
just put the lid on, drove it over
to the mark’s place about 3 a.m. and
heaved it through his big picture window right into his
fancy living room.
About a week later at work he was bitching about his megabuck cleaning
bill
and that he had no idea who’d be sick enough to do such a thing. I did, but
I kept
my mouth shut."
— HOOD ORNAMENTS –
While hood ornaments have
gone the way of old hoods, I think they are
classy and should be resurrected, but with
changes. It might be fun to place
a dead rat on the front of a mouthy mark’s car with a neck
tag that reads,
"You’re next." This particular use of the message for a newly
planted
ornament came from Shadow.
I, myself, had though of mounting a stiffy dead
groundhog so that my
mark’s new "hood ornament" stood up, impaled from the animal’s
sphincter
muscle. Perhaps a note would be appropriate, perhaps not.
The only worse use
of head ornaments I have heard of came from John
"Big Dick The Truck" Camper, who is
normally a quiet, poetry-addicted,
middle-aged member of a small-town Elk’s Club. He told me
he would love to
find, buy and place a dead human head on the hood of his truck. Does he
look
like morgues, anatomy classes or Democratic Party rallies?
—
HOSPITALS –
Dolly Gurney, who toils in the medical profession in West Virginia, has
useful to repay a
hospital for.
Whenever a body (aka a dead person) is being moved from one area of a
hospital to another, it is usually loaded onto the bottom tray of one of the
double layer
carts they use. This makes it look less ominous, I suppose. The
body is hidden under a sheet
so unsuspecting visitors fresh from seeing
Uncle Joe in his last throes of terminal herpes
won’t be offended by another
stiff. To check, look carefully for the white toe-tag clipped to
the sheet.
Hospital orderlies haul these loads during their routine rounds.
Sometimes,
the deceased is unattended for three, four or even five minutes
at a time. Sound like part of
a comedy film plot? Nope, it’s true. How much
imagination does it take to list five quick
stunts you could pull involving
their silent coconspirator?
Dolly revealed an incident
from her own medical facilty when one of the
snotty clerks from the front office, a habitual
gossip and confirmed bitch,
was standing in the hall flapping her mouth in a torrent of lies
about some
other employee’s sex life. Dolly says on of the orderlies had his buddy
assume the corpse position on the lower shelf of meat wagon, complete with a
tag on a bare toe
peeking out from under the almost carefully tucked sheet.
Laughing with her usual guest, Dolly
continued, "This orderly was
whistling gaily as he approached the bitch and her cornered
audience. They
looked up and saw what was coming – no big deal. As the orderly drew abreast
"At that very
moment, the other orderly, pretending to be a corpse on
the lower shelf, slowly reached his
hand out from under the sheet and firmly
grabbed the bitch’s ankle."
Dolly reports
that the shirek was heard from Pittsburgh to Louisville,
and that the markess had to change
her underwear immediately after she
revived by an ammonia cap.
Yeah, I like it, too.
— INSECTS –
Jennifer Marshall is a grand lady who now lives in
California. She’s
had a bad time because she is good, honest, hard working and good
looking.
But best of all, she has a grand sense of humor, and she also knows how to
use
fleas.
She suggests you take three or four plastic storage bags that seal and
put a
small a mount of honey in the bottom of each. Blow some air into each
bag. The, Jennifer says,
locate some roaming neighborhood cat that is always
outside, i.e., a full-occupancy flea
motel. Hold the bag over the cat’s back
and run the open end along the fur as you pretend to
pet it. You will sweep
up many fleas into the bag.
Next, take the bags of fleas to your
mark’s car. If you want the fleas
to a nice home, sprinkle some powered sugar around the
interior of the
vehicle, too. This also works for apartments, mail slots, etc.
It may be
true that the early worm risks being eaten by a late-night
bird, but cockroaches will probably
outlive us all. There must be growing
appreciation for cockroaches, though, as both Shadow and
The Quarter Machine
suggested cockroach eggs as a useful tool for the happy Hayduker. These
fleabag
apartments and hostels. Some laboratory supply companies also sell
them. They would be a
delightful present for that special someone,
especially if he or she likes popcorn.
— JOGGERS –
While this is actually more a defense measure than a revenge
stunt,
many people who jog have called when I do talk shows to ask how they can get
back
at their attackers. Other than the usual bag of after-action goodies,
there are always
"kicking spikes," sold for general personal defense, but
ideal for joggers.
Basically, they are 20-gauge steel spikes worn unseen
under you shoelaces, but protrudingly
enough to do damage. Kicking spikes
are available from Defense Systems, PO Box 297, Awendaw,
SC 29429
— JUKEBOXES –
Nothing fancy, but this stunt could cause
the demise of one of these
machines, plus the spillover ill will of ear-mushed customers
toward the
restaurant or bar. Out a bunch of your abandoned change, two or three
dollars’ worth, into the target box and select the worst song on the play
list. Researching
the establishment, its patrons and the play list for
maximum effect is vital before you
attempt this stunt. A bit of test
marketing could also help you. Select the absolute worst
song, the really
aural dog on the list, and pump it all your change. Hit the buttons and
leave or stay; either way, enjoy.
— JUNK MAIL –
According to M.
K. Smith, the definition of a real loser is a Democrat
who gets junk mail with the postage
due.
Want your mark to receive lots of junk mail? Write a nice, polite,
literate letter
in your mark’s name to Direct Mail Advertising Association,
6 East 43rd St., New York, NY
10017. Ask them to please place "you" on their
master list for merchants and
advertisers as "you" dearly love the bargain
shopping that comes in the mail to
"you." You might also note that you are a
shut-in and do your shopping via the
mails. Soon your mark will be buried in
unwanted advertising. If you want to thank someone for
that last idea, wave
a hearty hand to little Tommie Titmouse.
The Baffling Radiologist
offers a way of fighting back against junk
mailers. He makes top-quality Xerox copies of
"First Class U.S. Postage
PAID" mail labels he gets from junk mailers. He then packs
up boxes of ugly
and evil things, sticks the labels on them and has them mailed back to the
Or, for a bit more money, you
can mass-produce counterfeit and/or
stick-on labels with your printer pal. Depending upon your
legal adviser,
this stunt may be illegal. So what? Happy posting.
At long last, the
combined forces of that great people’s law firm of
Hacker and Computer have found a way to
smash the evils of junk mail in a
very modern way. The firm’s eloquent representative, Mr.
Master Hacker,
Esq., tells it as it should be.
First, find out the name of the "top
executive" in the junk-mail
company. Then, find out where the main office is and if
possible what the
telephone prefix (first three numbers) is. Now, you need an efficient,
trusted hacker, who knows how to bypass security on the company computer.
Have the hacker
delete the entire mailing list, or just a few names if
you prefer, yours being one of the, of
course. If you feel really devilish,
substitute another mark’s name for yours or put many
different names with
his address on the list. Second, order moderate amounts of products in
the
name of the "top executive" of the junk-mail firm. If the hacker knows what
Another suggestion
involves learning the names and addresses of several
salesmen or executives, including the
main office address of the company.
Make a fake chain letter with the list of these
individuals and their
addresses. In the chain letter, promise that if you send x numbers of
dollar
to the top person, delete his name, and add your name to the bottom, you
will
receive x number of dollars when your name reaches the top. Include
instructions to make x
copies of the letter and send it to x numbers of
friends. As you know, chain letters are quite
illegal, but you will still
follow through with this plan by sending copies to the letter to
your
friends, who are the postmaster general of the United States, the U.S,
attorney
general, the local district attorney, and any other law-enforcement
personnel you with to
include.
An alternative to the dollar amounts might be to say "send your wife/
husband to the man/woman at the top of the list for one night. When you
reach the top you will
have x different encounters; some of them will have
been great fun."
– KU KLUX KLAN –
Leave it to Dick Smegma to dirty the sheets of this idiotic group
of
good old boys with a great stunt that uses the KKK as an unwitting aide.
Dick says to
get a membership application sent to your mail drop in a phony
name. Make some color
photocopies or have your printer do this for you for
later use. Fill out one in the mark’s
name, use a postal money order for the
initial membership fee of about $25, then list the
mark’s work address or
his minister’s address or the local "Black Power"
organization’s address for
that of the mark. Mail it back to the Klan.
—
LANDLORDS –
Donna Vicegrip has a friend whose landlord was a real one-man
pestilence who finally did an ultimate dirty deed to the tenant families.
Donna came to the
rescue and here’s what happened.
This was a single-family house so the scam was confined to
the landlord
and was executed as the tenants prepared to leave. The first step is to
visit a couple of markets and among other things buy ten or twelve five-
pound bags of sugar.
Go to a per store and purchase a bunch of crickets and
roaches (They’re sold as pet food).
all the electricity at
the main switch box. Remove all of the wall-light
switch plates. Using a common kitchen funnel
to guide the flow, pour the
contents of each of the bugs in each switch hole. Replace the
plates and
turn the power back on.
The insects will feed on the sugar between the walls
and will multiply
like bigots in government. The rotten landlord will never get rid of
them.
A wonderful fan called in a variation of this stunt during a talk show
in Florida.
He suggested filling the walls with effluvia, dead animals,
vomit, etc., using the electrical
access holes as entry points.
If working with bugs makes you crawly, Donna has a modification
of the
insect invasion. Again, pull the main block and shut down all the power in
the
house. Remove all the switch plates from the switches and the face
plates from the outlets.
Cut all wires from all switches and plugs, attach
fishhook weights to the cut wires and let
them fall to the floor, inside the
wall. Next, secure the plates in place again, only this
time use Superglue
to seal the bond so that the screws are just cosmetic. Imagine the
landlord’s fun when he tries to make the wiring functional again.
Tanya and friends have
slumlords under fire in southern California. A
feisty lady, she had a friend print some
"official" forms, illegally using
the name of the landlord, who really is a slime
and a slumlord. She makes
sure that all new tenants get a copy. The tenant reads the form,
reproduced
here, and sends it in. Much fun then happens between the landlord and the
authorities.
(date)
Dear Tennant:
It has come to our
attention that your apartment building has numerous
health and safety violations. As a
service, we are providing you with this
form so that your rent can be reduced or stabilized if
the owner of this
building does not upgrade your apartment complex. A list of common
complaints follows. Check and comment on those that apply to your apartment.
1) Old,
worn carpeting.
2) Broken dishwasher.
3) Broken garbage disposer.
4) Leaks in
plumbing, causing mildew, mold, sagging ceilings
and/or walls due to water damage.
5)
Missing window screens.
6) Unusable underground parking due to poor lighting in the
garage area at night.
7) Non-operating washers and/or dryers, necessitating the use of
a
laundromat.
Peeling paint.
9) Clogged sinks.
Please take the time to
fill out the form and list your complaints,
then tell us how much loss you feel your rent
should be because of these
defects. We will take legal action if necessary to protect your
rights.
Sincerely,
(Name and Title)
Los Angeles Rent Control Board
(Address)
Another way to hassle a landlord is to picket his home, office, other
rental properties, or wherever you might locate him/her personally, e.g..,
his country club.
Be sure to include minority pickets and make broad hints
that the landlord won’t rent to
members of ethnic, racial and social
minorities. Old people are great sympathy-arousing
minorities for this
stunt, as are nice young couples with babies whom the landlord has
"put out
in the cold." Make sure these are all working-class folks and civilized
this properly.
— LAUNDROMATS –
Have one of these absentee-ownership business ruined
your clothes,
ripped you off or otherwise stained your relationship without a hope of
mending things in a reasonable fashion? Holy White Tornado, it’s Filthy
McNasty and Vera to
the rescue with myriad grand ideas.
If the laundromat has no attendant on duty, and most
don’t, simply go
into the place and fill all the washing machines with quick-drying cement.
sabotaged by filing
them with expanding plastic foam. Best to do this at
night when there are no other customers
around.
Or, you can walk into the washeteria with about five pounds of calcium
carbide
(wonderful stuff) and dump it into a washing machine. Start the
cycle and run like hell. It
will foam up like crazy, give off an incredibly
obnoxious-smelling gas, and also gum up the
machine’s gears.
These are drastic measures. Here is a lightweight goody. Most laundry
detergents are a white powder. So is powered bleach. Buy a box of Tide, or
similar laundry
soap, empty out half of it, and fill it with powdered
bleach. Leave the box behind. If this is
used for colored clothes, they will
run beyond belief. Some laundry detergents are a green or
blue powder. So is
dye. Mix in some dye with the colored soap powder. Guess what happens?
these establishments
comes from an old Vietnamese friend of mine, a
laundryman named Diddy Mao. He converts empty
washing machines and clothes
dryers into pet cages. For instance, he suggests you put a large,
live rat
into one of the washers and close the cover. Or, fill one of the machines
with
crickets from a bait shop, or a swarm of bees. In any case, the
customer is going to be the
secondary mark in this sting and will surely be
out to spread some legal venom to the owner of
the business.
— LIGHTS –
Here’s a quickie from Jolly Cholly
Potter, who likes to put shoe
polish on the pull-strings hanging down from basement light
fixtures.
Calling into one of my talk shows, he said, "I do it for my girlfriend a lot
all over his or
her hand."
He’s in coal business if that help explain things.
—
LOCAL OFFICIALS –
Political philosopher Fearing Pangborn, director general of the
monger governments.
Speaking of them in tandem, he notes, "Facts without
theory is trivia, while theory
without facts is bull." All of which brings
up this great scam played on small-town
bozos.
The hero is very careful not to give away anything of his identity to
us because
he’s still having too much fun to even risk getting caught. But
it’s all true. Basically, what
he let me know so far is that small
community’s "old boy club" leaders screwed him
badly on a business deal on
favor of one of the old boy’s sons, using insider data via the
local bank
president. Nasty business. Much of the blame goes to the police chief and
the
mayor who brought blackmail pressure on the banker because of his
extramarital affair with a
local lady. The lawyer who gained big bucks was
the mayor’s son.
Our hero had a friend
in another town across the country get him a fine
transceiver with the local police and
emergency frequencies on it, including
the scrambled tactical operating frequencies. He had
another out-out-state
friend wire a connector between his transceiver and his car’s
cassette
player.
Our hero rides around the area at odd hours of the day and night
playing quick snatches of porno cassettes featuring very explicit sound
effects. He precedes
the tape selection with a recorded cut-in done by
another out-of-state friend who can imitate
Johnny Carson and the voices of
other stars, saying things like, "And now, dear friends,
here is my on-the-
spot recording of the mayor’s daughter whoring around with the police
chief’s mother."
Naturally, in a small town, all sorts of gossip about this has
started,
and our hero has become a folk hero to an underground newsletter started by
an
out-of-work bunch of labor-union folks who also have justified grudges
against the power elite
of the town.
Not only can you use a transceiver with the proper crystals of
frequencies
to have fun in official radioland, you can also modify the
official actions of the minions of
this land. As Jake Buckshot explains, "I
got an official transceiver through a buddy who
had been a cop until he
tired of the ‘bash first, ask later’ mentality in his town and moved
on. I
use it to cut in on stupid dispatch orders.
"We had some bluenoses upset
about a nude section of public beach up
here. They pressured the local police into hassling
these quiet folks who
felt like sunning and swimming without suits. I decided to help out
these
dumb Nazis we got here playing cop."
"I cut into and overrode the
dispatcher – I’m a ham operator and radio
buff and know how to soup my set – and said,
‘Disregard previous
instructions, beach squad. Return to base for visual instructions.’
"Another time I sent them to the mayor’s house for a reported orgy on
the lawn, only I
didn’t tell them the mayor lived at that address."
— LUNCH-BAG THIEVES
–
If you’re having problems with other folks stealing your brown-bagged
lunch at
school or work you might want to think about the rather extreme
methods Jose Cajones took to
combat them in his factory job area.
He bought some little discs of moth killer that come
wrapped in plastic
packs and look somewhat like candy. He wrapped a few in the desert
section
of the lunch his wife packed and put the lunch on his shelf above his desk.
Bingo!
When the fellow employee was taken ill suddenly and had to leave the
shop for a
trip to the emergency room, Jose figured his problem was solved.
And, it was. Watch your dose
rate with this one, though, as a whimp/mark
could get really sick.
—
M.A.D.D. –
Because they are such a vindictive bunch of hens, the Mothers Against
Drunk Driving must be treated with caution, much as one would approach a
poisonous snake. Our
contributor on this one will remain fearfully unknown,
except for being from the state of
Washington. Here’s what happened.
A local M.A.D.D. member believed our contributor was a drunk
driver
because this person worked in a tavern. Our contributor was constantly
bombarded
with phone calls, mail and visits by M.A.D.D. zealots. Later, a
mistaken identity in a local
paper cause her more grief with these menacing
mothers.
Late one night, our contributor
called the local M.A.D.D. busybody’s
home, gave a fake name and said she was drunk and needed
a ride home.
"I gave her the name of the bar and a generic description of myself. I
waited for her nearby. While she entered the bar looking for me, I quickly
spirited a half
empty bottle of booze into her car, with the lid loose,"
our contributor reports.
"After waiting a few minutes she left, probably figuring it was a
prank. In the meantime,
I had called the local DWI hotline and reported her
car and license. The cops stopped her and
found the bottle. We have an
open-bottle law in our state, so she was had.
"You
know how wonderful there-is-justice-afterall in this matter? She
really was legally loaded…
a .17 reading. Ain’t it wonderful? Getting even
is such fun," our contributor writes.
organization known as
Drunks Against Mad Mothers, or D.A.M.N. Would I lie?
— MAIL –
Did
you ever want to run a direct-mail business? Did you ever want to
run a truly gross
direct-mail business? Did you ever consider setting up
your mark in just such a business? If
you answered "yes" to any of the three
questions, read on. Otherwise, turn on your
TV and watch the PTL Club’s
Dollar Flagellation Hour.
All you need to do to put your
mark in business is buy a couple of ads
in the classified sections of the sleazy magazines on
sale at your local
newsstand or sold through the mail. Set up your mark in the business of
else to shill the
customers. Be sure to make your ad copy as lustful as
possible, especially if your mark is
female. Most guys really run their
logic circuits on overload if they think they’re going to
score for this
natural biological weakness which occurs in the male species.
Do you need
to get someone on a lot of mailinglists or to flood them
with samples, introductory offers and
subscriptions? There is at least one
company that provides all the ammunition for this
valuable weapon in your
trickster’s arsenal. It’s called Executive Management, and you will be
using
their "Direct Media Card Deck" division.
Using a selected nom de mark,
order one of the "decks." What you’ll
get is a plastic-packed deck of direct-mail
inquiry cards from various
businesses offering myriad services and products. All are
pre-addressed to
your mark and most have prepaid postage. All you do is select appropriate
selections, as this is a clearing house for promotions, so work this gold
mine well and
often.
At last, I’ve finally discovered a positive use of advertising
circulars, i.e.,
you can help your enemies by ordering self-help books for
them. Here’s the idea. Rob your
mark’s mailbox of fliers from book-clearing
remainder houses, sales outlets, and liquidation
sales centers. You then use
the adhesive stickers on the order blank to "order"
books for your mark on a
COD basis.
You can add insult to injury by selecting books that
slap the mark’s
ego, e.g., 30 Days to a Real Bustline, Flatten that Fanny, Home Cure Your
inappropriate to your
mark’s lifestyle, biases, etc.
On another scale, the postal one, here is a stunt that is
hardly new
and dozens of people have suggested it so I imagine it is working well.
Let’s
share it with the rest of the masses. Here’s how to mail letters to
friends for free. Simply
reverse the sender and the sendee name/address, and
use no postage stamp.
And speaking
of envelopes, you can always use a good supply of
postage-paid envelopes, according to
governmental consultant Joseph Porta.
Joe suggest you shop for a supply of these at government
and military
offices, corporate mailrooms, etc. He says using these with some common
sense security guidelines really cuts down on your postal bills.
Here’s a nice twist on the
old charge of address bit. This idea came
from my old mail delivery man. Either change the
mark’s address or give the
mark a new address, using the existing address of some outfit like
the Red
Cross, YMCA or whatever. Or, you can change the address of the YMCA, Red
Cross,
etc. to your mark’s home or business address. Whichever you do, the
idea is to bury the mark
with high-volume mail delivery. The confusion of
getting all of this straightened out will be
a delight, too.
— MICROWAVES –
At first, Dick Smegma’s landlord
was a nice guy. Then it became
obvious that the hell was trying illegally, immorally and
however else to
force Dick and his wife out so he could rent to a relative. Things got kind
"You could feel the tension cooking," Dick noted with glee as
as
recalled the revenge he extracted.
"We loaded up the apartment’s microwave with
all the silverware in the
place and turned it on for an hour. This act causes the microwave to
feed
back into the uranium diode (hearth of the unit), shorting it out and
rendering the
whole microwave useless."
A quick check with a local repair person netted me the
knowledge that
repair or replacement of the diode and retuning the unit would cost between
— MOLESTATION –
If your mark really deserves
this, do it, because the current
atmosphere is right and the dirt is ripe for results. Call
your mark’s
employer, or have a lady friend who is a good actress do it. It works well
if the mark is a teacher or has some other occupation that involves kids.
Tell the employer
that the mark made sexual advances to your kid – cry or
shake the voice a bit – and you want
it stopped. You don’t want the police
involved because you don’t want the child subjected to
that, you just want
it stopped. See why the caller has to be a good actor or actress?
As
a slight variation, Mr. Justice, our clever contributor, suggests
you call the employer and
pretend to be a vice cop. Inform the employer
about a complaint against the mark and that
you’re checking to see if there
have been other complaints. Insist you are trying to keep this
quiet and
contained.
— MOTION PICTURES –
Giggi Taveras was
accused of sneaking booze into t theater when it was
actually the people behind him. He had a
few beers before the flick so he
did smell of booze, but he had not brought in any. He didn’t
even know the
people behind him. Nonetheless, the manager had him charged. The fine was
twenty-five dollars and nine dollars in cost. Giggi was furious.
When he next went to the
movie, he prowled around the projection booth
and found a lot of ventilator holes. He noted
that with a piece of
telescoping antenna and some putty he could adjust the sound volume
control
on the movie without the operator seeing him as that employee was also the
ticket taker who had other duties after he set the film to running.
Giggi waited until they
showed a good suspense film. Then minutes
into the film he stepped unnoticed to the air hole
and adjusted the volume
all the way up with his antenna. He quickly shortened it and was in
his seat
in three seconds. After six repetitions of the volume mysteriously going up
and
down drastically within twenty minutes, the show was stopped, the
patrons waited ten minutes
for an equipment check, then the film began
again. So did Giggi, the moment the projectionist
left the booth. The next
time, he bravely adjusted the sound while the man was in the booth
but had
his back turned. He did it again. And, again.
By this time the audience was
unruly to the point of being surly. The
manager stopped the show and not only refunded
everyone’s money but issues a
free pass to all customers for a future movie. Giggi left a
pleased and
vindicated man. He made sure that he thanked the manager personally with a
big smile.
— MUSICAL CARDS –
Are Father’s Day, Grandma’s Day,
Ex-Spouse Day, and all of the other
sentimental holidays really historic or are they just an
accumulation of
marketing scams by greeting-card companies? Bring up the music maestro,
let’s explore the issue. Ah, the hell with it. Here’s what you do. You know
those expensive
cards with little mechanical music-makers inside that play
some sappy song when you set them
of? Set off a whole bunch of them in a
store… as in a concert of cacophony.
Mel tells this great story about her fiancee, Gary. He played in
a
group with a piano pounder who was a thorough rotter. Nobody liked the guy
and he
earned this hatred every day because of his ego and actions. Gary
decided to have some
professional fun.
"They were in a stage setup where Gary was playing guitar behind and
solo, then
crawled to the bench, totally out of sight of the audience, and
slipped his body just under
the man’s bench. Then, with his drum-stick he
started to beat a completely different temp back
and forth, like a
metronome, on the player’s knees. Within moments, the man’s
distractedness
showed and he hopelessly fouled up his solo. The audience got very restless.
another long, long
minute to finish his messed-up solo," Mel reports.
— NEWSPAPERS –
Not long ago, the Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, Times Leader, which
presumably employs
editors and proof-readers, reported the wedding of Thomas
Durkin and Mame Broody. According to
the paper, the wedding party included
people with names like Gloria Snockers, Lilac Arug, Amos
Behavin, and Hugh
G. Wrection.
At about the same time, the Columbia, South Carolina,
Record published
an employment agency’s classified as in the help-wanted section under
"Secretary." It read: "Several Positions w/Top Co. Screw Your Way to the
Top!"
Both items were obviously the work of jokesters, the kind of thing
newspapers
hate, but Haydukers love.
— NO PARKING ZONES –
Our old pal Trusty
Giusti on the West Coast doesn’t like lazy jerks
who park in handicapped zones. He has large,
newsprint signs printed and
fixed with stick-on glue backing. His sign is a foot square and he
slaps
them right in the driver’s vision zone of the windshield of the offending
parked
vehicle. The sign says "Don’t park in handicapped zone again, jerk,
or we’ll see that you
qualify!" He reports that the signs are very
difficult to remove.
—
ONE LINERS –
These are good, tested one-liners that you can use to put down or
otherwise top another person during a public confrontation that has
attracted the attention of
other folks. The decibel level at which you
deliver the line will reflect on the situation.
Also remember that timing is
vital to effective communication.
* It doesn’t
matter if you’re gay (to a person of the opposite sex)
* My God, he got you pregnant?
*
Stay the hell away from my ten-year-old daughter! (to an older man)
* You shouldn’t even be in
here – you have herpes (in a restaurant, bar or
child-care center).
* Keep your hands
off my ass (anyone of either sex).
* Don’t you dare follow me to the bathroom again, you
fag!
* My God, you’re carrying a gun!
* Goddamn it, you’re a narc. Hey, he/she’s a narc
(great in biker bar)
* Deny you’re a narc, you jerk (also great in a biker bar).
* How
can you sell dope that cheap? (anywhere, but great in schools)
I’m sure you have others
that you’ve used in the past. I’d like to hear
about them. For these, I wish to thank Warthog,
M. N. Chunder, Dick Smegma
and Carla.
— PAINT –
As a
journeyman painter, Skull introduces us to a fine product known
as "Fix Quick" or
"Fix All," depending upon the brand name. It is used to
fix deep cracks in drywall
or wood. Skull says it can be used to fix creeps
as well.
These products come in
powdered form to be mixed with water. What
might happen if the water you mixed the powder in
was in your mark’s toilet
bowl at the time? Or, pour some of this magic powder into a
garbage
disposal, sink, drain or washer. Add a bit of water and within fifteen
minutes
the stuff expands and become hard as Sheetrock.
By the way, those little plastic bubble paints
that some hobby stores
carry team up very well with a heavy-duty, field-model slingshot to do
some
colorful damage to all sorts of property. This helpful household hint comes
from
interior decorating hobbyist Mac Barfo.
— PARKING –
Here is an
interesting modification to the old "Reserved – Police
Dept." bags that people used
to carry in their cars to insure parking spots
or to beat meters. I heard this stunt down at a
local Sons of Mussolini
meeting a few months ago. You go to your printer and have a hundred or
so
cardstock signs made saying "Funeral Parking Only." You can tie these around
The mark will be
afraid to remove the signs because they say in small type
at the bottom: "By Order of
(town name) Police Department. Do Not Remove."
A friend of mine had a lot of fun with the
police department in
another town by having his friendly printer make him several books of
question. My
friend spent a lot of funny days and evenings issuing them to
secondary mark’s vehicles. In
addition to indiscriminate ticketing, he
always dropped a few on some of the police’s more
outspoken critics in the
community to stir the pot of paranoia.
— PARKING
METERS –
Will someone tell me if this is possible? Chris Schaefer asks if
realistic decals could be made that would watch your community’s parking-
meter windows. You
stick them over the expired sign and it would look on
routine inspection as if there were
money in the meter. Sounds like a grand
idea. I asked one printer and he said it surely could
be done, but would
cost more than the parking was worth unless you were buying in bulk and
— PARTIES –
Speaking
of party poopers, we have to thank Long Beach’s Tanya, a
chemist, who suggests that you can
use an eye dropper or other small
insertion device to put croton oil, a diarrhea producer, or
Lasix, a potent
diuretic, in chocolated or any other food. It takes a deft touch, Tanya
says, but you can do it. She suggests you use your imagination to produce
other surprise
fillers, then combine with previous Haydukery, like nailing
or gluing shut the bathroom
facilities.
Refinement is an amusing word to use here considering what’s about to
happen, but this is a refinement on a stunt from one of the earlier books. A
former state
legislator offers the idea of a nationally advertised party for
bikers to be held at your
mark’s home. Try to choose some date you know the
mark will be there – the wedding of a son or
daughter or a neighborhood
party – or perhaps you can assure the mark will be there through
some pseudo
planning of your own.
Then you advertise the party in some biker magazine
promoting free
beer, food and lots of horny ladies. I suggest Easy Riders as I know the
magazine well and it has credibility. Include in the classified ad that this
is a "coming
home party for some righteous brother who’s just gotten out of
the joint." Give a
definite time, date and address.
Even if the "former state legislator" doesn’t know
for sure, I will
guarantee from any background that this one could cause the sudden call-up
– PATRIOTISM –
Here comes a roaring broadside from Dick Smegma that makes use of
patriotic son of
the Jessie Helms ilk.
Tie an American flag to one end of a rope and tie the other end of
the
rope to the underside, not the bumper, of the mark’s car. Stuff the flag
under the
car where it cannot be seen. When the mark drives off, Old Glory
unfurls and you can guess the
rest. Hint: using the stunt in a high-
visibility area adds both risk and more likelihood of
the mark getting
nailed legally and otherwise.
— PET OWNERS –
take those gross dumps
on your lawn. Rob from Palm Beach got a large box,
filled it with packing, then included a
plastic bag full of two or three
days accumulated dog dump. He sent it to his neighbor COD via
UPS from a
nearby town. Within four days, the neighbor began to carry a pooper-scooper
when he walked his dog.
— PHILADELPHIA PARKING TICKETS –
Our
madman, Stud McCutcheon, is correct when he says that only folks
in the Great Rust Belt of the
Northeast will have heard of the infamous
Philadelphia Parking Ticket Scam, which he blames on
the evil La Croix
Brothers Mob. However, the principle is useful anywhere. It seems the
Philadelphia traffic-ticket system spews out tickets for people who’ve never
even been in
Philadelphia, let alone operated an automobile there. Dead
folks have been cited.
Here’s
how Stud’s scam works. You call your mark and identify
yourself, let’s say as Sgt. McGregor of
the (fill in a city or town -
perhaps
even Philadelphia) Traffic Court Division, and you
ask the mark what he or
she is going to do about $150 in outstanding traffic warrants.
I
am sure you can imagine the rest of the conversation if the mark has
never been to the
community in question. Nonetheless, adopt a tough-cop
attitude and bully the mark. Insult the
mark. Threaten the mark. Either
frighten the mark or make him/her furious. This one has a lot
of sharp edges
to it. You can lend authenticity to this by having an associate with the
proper accent and attitude make the call.
— PIE IN THE FACE –
Continuing with his genius of adding new style to old tricks, Dick
Smegma brings his
scatological outlook on marks into playing again. Instead
of using a shaving-cream filler to
pie your victim, Dick says to make an
excrement pie. He also says to mush it in the mark’s
face; don’t just throw
it. This works best with wimpsor with people who are slower runners
than you
are.
— PILOTS –
Our Jimmy Carter is not the same
honest wimp who was driven from the
White House by the histrionics of that Teflon-coated
California pond scum.
Our Jimmy is a fun guy. When he was hassled by an airplane pilot for
reasons
beyond belief, Jimmy didn’t ground the guy with a fist to the face, he used
a
blow to the brain.
"I found a book that documented airplane crashes with a lot of
really
grisly pictures. I made photocopies of the wreckage, the people and the
carnage
in general and sent them to him as photo postcards," Jimmy reports.
The book Jimmy refers
to is Plane Crashes, by Beryl Frank (NY: Bell
Publishing Co., 1980)
—
POLITICIANS –
We were seated one evening discussing ferals when it wasn’t long
until
Sr. Estercolero Pope mentioned politicians. He said that medical researchers
are
considering using them for experiments instead of laboratory rats
because politicians are more
plentiful, they have a metabolism close to that
of humans, plus the technicians don’t become
as emotionally attached to
them.
Years ago, Drew Pearsons observed that "rarely
will a politican pass
any law to which he is subject… Most are moral cowards." But
that’s no
reason we cannot imitate them. You’ve seen Ron Smith’s commercial lookalike
celebrities on television. These are everyday folks who look and, sometimes,
sound like
celebrities, but who rent themselves out for a whole lot less
than the real issue. The biggest
broker in the country for this service is
Ron Smith, with offices in New York and Los Angeles
(see "Sources").
Why not rent someone who looks and sounds like your least
favorite
political thing and have your impersonator make political speeches, public
appearances, press conferences, etc. The legal key is never to actually
identify the actor as
the real person. Let the media and audience assumption
do the job for you. Never deny, just
never formally identify. You can have a
lot of fun with this.
If you need someone to
thank for this kindness, say "Hi" to Marla and
Melanie, twin dynamos of creativity
in Phoenix. As Marla points out with a
sly smile, "Everytime I see Ronald Reagan on
television, I am reminded of
that famous line from the Wizard of Oz, ‘Pay no attention to the
man behind
the curtain.’"
— PORNO –
Since Adam and Eve
went out of the adult photo-finishing service, you
folks need a safe place to send your
sexually explicit photos for
processing, the first step for some Haydukery. Here’s a good
outfit: Male
Order Photolabs, 18718 Ventura Blvd., Tarzana, CA 91356. They accept credit
cards, too.
— POSTERS –
It’s not very original, but when a truly
stupid politican irritated
Paul "W. Ass, and rational discourse didn’t settle things, our
hero waited
two years until reelection time. By this time he had collected some amusing
candid photos of the incumbent idiot in silly, semi-embarrassing postures.
He used them to
illustrate posters that falsely advertised the politico/
mark’s radical views on unpopular
issues. The operable words here is "false"
views.
"I put these posters,
which cost less than twenty-five cents each from
a sympathic printer, in really high-traffic
areas where it is illegal to
post posters, like turnpike booths, city trash cans, church
windows and
service display boards," Paul reports.
When it comes to anti-poster
planning, consider the problems faced by
an unpopular cause in America – peace. James Idare, a
longtime advocate of
peace, laments, "Every time we put up posters, some Yuppies, hawks
or
retreads for Reagan tear them down. I finally had a fine idea.
"I mixed some
rather rough ground glass, a bit of cow urine and
another chemical in with the paste we used
to secure the posters. I figure
that trading some poster-ripping for those jerks’ fingertips
and some later
disease is fair enough."
— PRICKS –
According to a story I read in the Christian Crusade Enquirer, a
Clifornia husband who had
found a new sweetie instructed his wife to sell
all their community property and said they’d
split the total. He even agreed
to let her sell the true love of his life – his vintage
Porsche. He’d rather
have it end up with a stranger than with his soon-to-be ex.
Later,
she gave him a check for his share, and an itemized receipt.
She’d gotten a good price for
everything – except the Porsche, which she’d
sold to a migrant worker for $75.
This
demonstrates to me that the wages of sin vary a whole lot. Or, in
the words of the late Bruno
McManmon, saepe intereunt aliis meditantes
necem. For those not conversant in Latin, that
means those who plot the
destruction of others, often destroy themselves.
– PUBLIC SMOKERS –
A lot of public elevators have ashtrays to encourage those vermin
who
smoke among us. Replace the sand in these ash trash with a mixture of
potassium
nitrate and sugar. Thanks, Barney Vincelette. While we agree very
strongly, I’m glad you
talked me out of using claymores.
— QUIZ –
There’s a short,
shelf-help quiz to tell you if you are a sucker, a
victim or someone likely to be screwed by
the various bad bullies of our
world. Answer "yes" or "no" to these
questions.
1. Do work and salary make you free?
2. Do you think Pepsi, your own
PC/videogames, vacation outside the fifty
states and five-digit price-tag car represent the
good life?
3. Do you give a hoot about the First Amendment?
4. Do you know what it
is?
5. Do you think Jesus moved that rock all by himself?
6. Can the local police really
protect your rights?
7. Is capitalism compatible with communism?
8. Is either compatible
with humanism_
9. Should R. Reagan and S. Stallone lead the first wave ashore in
Nicaragua?
— QUOTES –
Here’s some honesty. The first time Mac
Chunder and I discussed using
quotes in a book, it was as filler. Frankly, we used them to
fill up space,
to pad the book. To our amazement they have drawn a lot of positive mail,
including you folks sending in favorite quotes and quoters.
Make good use of these quotes in
your graffiti cryptic messages,
threats, bon mots, comebacks, etc.
"The next
best thing to a good friend is an enemy who knows you all too
well."
– Chester the
Spoon
"The easiest way of change history is to become a historian."
–
Rev. Jerry Falwell
"The world is absolutely out of control now and is not going to
be saved by
any reason or unreason."
– Robert Lowell
"Somewhere,
something incredible happened in history – the wrong guys won."
– Norman Mailer
"Treason never doth prosper; what’s the reason? Why if it prosper, none dare
call it treason."
– John Harrington
"Conscience is a larger foe of
mankind than is gunpowder."
– Snakeoil Cignetti
"We damn Americans roam
the world strewing death, destruction and riches in
our wake and turn whole countries into
either napalm ruins or flourishing
whorehouses."
– A Vietnam combat vet in protest
of the U.S. outrages in Nicaragua
"He’s such a pacifist you just want to kill
him."
– M. Kerri Smith
"The best political weapon is the weapon of
terror. Cruelty commands
respect. Men may hate us. But, we don’t ask for their love; only for
their
fear."
– Heinrich Himmler
"The people will always attempt
to find the positive aspects of all
circumstances, which, in themselves, are not susceptible
to danger."
– Joseph Stalin
"People aren’t really poor until they start
using water on their corn
flakes."
– Nancy Reagan
"Great spirits
have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre
minds."
– Albert
Einstein
"It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and
remove
all doubt."
– George Bush
"No one can make you feel
inferior without you consent."
– Elanor Roosevelt
"A dog is a dog,
except when he is facing you in a narrow alley. Then, he is
Mr. Dog."
– Nicaraguan
street vendor
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness isn’t shopping in the right
places."
– Nancy Reagan
"Capitalism gives all of us a great opportunity
if we seize it with both
hands and hang on to it."
– Al Capone
"Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer."
– LTC
Mac
"It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and
the
Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
– An American doctor
viewing a bombed-out village in El Salvador
"Too much of a good thing can be
wonderful."
– Mae West
"Je te pisse au cul."
– A French
veteran of Bergen-Belsen to Ronald Reagan
"To profess principles but not be
prepared to back them is to be without
principles."
– Mary J. Berg
"My mother-in-law told us she always had a desire to be buried at sea. I
told my wife we
should dump her off the Salmon River bridge tonight…
she’d eventually get to the sea. Three
weeks later I’m divorced."
– G. Barrett, via George McGeary
"A fellow
who is always declaring he is no fool usually has his suspicions."
– Wilson Mizner
"Ask a kid what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying."
– Fran Lebowitz
— RADAR –
You remember how in WWII Allied aircraft dumped tons of
aluminum strips
to confuse German radar so that millions of these fake blips his the real
Gary Sisco.
villages every day, or
you want to screw up a SAC airfield, your own local
field or mess up the local police, pay
heed to Gary.
"Invest about sixty dollars in a tank full of helium and about five
hundred balloons. Fill each balloon and have friends tie strips of aluminum
foil to each one.
Release them in the area of the airfield where you want to
mess up the radar. It works with
presto wonderful efficiency all the time."
He mentioned using vans and other mobile
launching units to really mess
up things.
— RADICAL GROUPS –
mental midgets?
Here’s an idea based on something a chap named Chucky Gorman
did when he got home from
Vietnam.
"I found out the home phone numbers of about a dozen members of the
local
radical group of hatemongers. I also knew their leader and how he
spewed hatred of anyone who
had a job, was white or had white friends, etc.
IT was a black version of the KKK. I could
also imitate his voice.
"All of these brothers got this heavy-duty alert phone call from
me
about then o’clock that night, telling them to unearth their pieces. I also
told them
to bring the heavy stuff – the full autos and sawed-off shotguns -
for a big blast-off for
some Klanners. I told them to meet me at a specified
location at midnight.
"My next
call went to the state police and I used my ‘Mr. Charley P.
Whitey’ voice for that call. I
told them when and where. Man, I check out a
couple of the brothers and at 11:30 they were
loading up their cars and
going for full combat.
— RADIO-CONTROLLED
AIRCRAFT –
Every kid wishes he had one… even us old farts who had to make do
with balsa wood gliders dozens of years ago. But now, Mac Chunder’s old pal
Jimmy Carter has
some new uses for the latest in radio-controlled aircraft
models.
It’s expensive to
sacrifice these aircraft, but Jimmy feels if the
fault and the cause are enough, then the cure
is $$-justified. That works
for me. Here’s some of his suggestions:
* Always be
sure you have included the primary and secondary mark’s full
name, address and telephone
number on an ID plate on the aircraft.
* Crash or land the aircraft in or on the area of a
ball game, concert,
religious gathering, graduation, funeral, etc.
* Add a smoke or mild
pyrotechnic capability to the crash.
* Fly it through the mark’s window kamikaze style. This
ending works well
with corporate windows, trustee meetings, parole boards and union or
management gatherings. Again, remember smoke or pyrotechnics.
— RADIO STATIONS
–
C. F. Riggs tells how a friend got back at a local radio station that
had
fired him unjustly. The gimmick is to buy a stadium or gym seat just as
close to the radio
broadcasting booth as possible. Take a ghetto blaster to
the event. To protect yourself from
physical harm by other fans close by,
disconnect the speaker. Now, you’re ready to do it.
maximum treble.
Carefully tune your radio to the station doing the play by
play. The wonderful squeal of
feedback will roll across the airways and into
the immediate crowd area. Classy!
— RECIPES –
The famed Eastern European chef Job Trojemadj once had a
supposed
friend plifer and use two of his personal recipes to win an important
culinary
skills contest with both monetary and professional rewards at
stake. Needless to add, our
wronged captain of the kitchen dealt his own set
of cards.
"I had printed some
blank recipe cards just as my former friend used
in his own files. I then prepared some
carefully faked recipes with various
bogus things, ranging from ingredients to amounts of
ingredients, scattered
throughout. I had these smuggled into his personal recipe file at his
home -
items he would prepare for personal guests. It took only a month for the
rumors
to surface about this man losing touch with his craft," Job Trojemadj
reported with
obvious savor to his voice.
"Revenge in my field is always a case of hoping for the best,
but
always expecting the worst," he adds.
You could easily take this stunt another
step and use this basic idea
to infiltrate bogus recipes into the appropriate locations at
stores,
restaurants, flea markets, local newspaper columns, etc.
—
RESTAURANTS –
Who else but Dick Smegma would have the fortitude to pull this off,
salad
bar" restaurant had really screwed him over on a business deal. All
efforts at civilized
collection failed. Haydukery followed.
Dick went to Mission Row, that’s Hawaii’s answer to
Skid Row, and
rounded up eighteen derelicts that used to look like humans. He announced he
offending
restaurant and ordered eighteen "all you can eat salad bar" meals
for his
odoriferous charges, then paid the $2.50 per each in advance.
"The manager came storming
out when he heard the noise and smelled the
stench of my guests. He told us to leave, not even
offering a refund at
first," Dick related. "I pointed out the possibility of both
legal action
and very likely trashing of his place by pissed-off bums. He saw the light
and had us seated."
Dick reports that the eighteen derelicts stayed for the next two
washed public that
day and they stayed away like fans at a Pittsburgh Pirate
baseball game.
When the last
of his new friends farted loudly enough to flush
commodoes a block away and then knocked a
painting sideways with a mighty
belch, Dick and his guy left. But not before he promised the
manager that
since they’d had so much fun and fine food, they’d be back again the next
weekend.
"The manager and I had an instant settlement of (1) all money due me
for
the initial rip-off, (2) refund of my meal money for the eighteen bums,
(3) an overall
apology, and (4) free luncheon for me for a month on the
premise that I not bring back my
eighteen friends," Dick reports.
What Dick didn’t tell the manager is that he could
always find
eighteen new friends if the need arose again.
Another way Dick got back at a
restaurant that had screwed him was to
share his story with others in the dining public. He
had a printer run off
one thousand handbills written and printed in newsletter format
explaining
how he had been offended by this restaurant and the legitimate ways he had
tried to make right his case. He stood outside the restaurant on a public
sidewalk and handed
the papers to each person heading into the eatery. Dick
says the restaurant owner fired the
offending manager (who had been a real
prick to the help and to other customers) and made
amends with Dick
personally.
— SALAD BARS –
You really can
have a lot of fun getting back at eateries that mess
you up or over. Dick Smegma suggests a
fun game to play when they have a
salad bar.
"Go in, pay, fill up your plate with a
loaf of messy stuff and begin to
eat. Eat with noise, looking, sounding and acting like a pig.
It works
better if you are personally none too clean," Dick suggests.
"Halfway
through, when there is a crowd at the salad bar, come up and
say, just after belching loudly,
‘I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought
and besides this stuff tastes like Arab snot!’ Then
start shoving the
leftover food off your plate and back into the salad-bar
containers."
I would suggest you not look at the horror on the faces of your fellow
dining companions as they back away. You’ll probably laugh.
— SALESPEOPLE –
Even if they are rude, boorish, pushy and invade your privacy, don’t
dispose of
door-to-door salespeople with a slam in the face of your door.
They can be helpful in your
never-ending quest for justice against some
nasty mark who has wronged you. Here is how James
Rodger sees it.
"I politely explain that I cannot afford the product or am just not in
much he/she
wants a (whatever the salesperson is peddling). Give out the
mark’s name, address and
telephone number. Then you mention something
personal.
"My friend was in a severe
accident some years ago and has a steel
plate in his/her head. Sometimes, he/she gets odd
flashes of strange
behavior and can be confused. Most of the time, though, my friend is a
warm,
loving person," is the Rodger pitch. "You might want to call several times
sale there, as
he/she is as rich as can be."
What salesperson could pass up that challenge?
— SOURCES –
Here is the master listing of places where you can find
equipment,
people, accessories and other items to make your Haydukery work. It is
arranged in alphabetical order for your convenience.
* Abbeon Cal, Inc. 123-275Y Gray
Avenue, Santa Barbara, CA 93101
Mark permanently with real paint pens and here’s where you can
get some.
They wholesale the real thing in all colors.
* Alcan Wholesalers, Inc.
PO Box 2187, Bellingham, WA 98227
Holy gung ho! These guys have a catalog crammed full of
police, military
and security goodies, equipment, chemicals and supplies. They’re real.
* Baron Samedi, Box 2084, Glenview, IL 60025
This evil chap guarantees "voodoo
revenge" on your enemies. Anywhere,
anyone and fast. Guaranteed for only $25.
Vets especially will appreciate the huge stocks
of GI surplus common
equipment here, some of it very modern. They have all sorts of
communication gear.
* Blackhawk, Rt. 1, Box 221, Blue River, WI 53518
A chemical
supply house that sells hard-to-find goodies by mail. When I
last looked, chloroform was
featured at two ounces for $5.
* Break Wind Enterprises, Box 77, Mt. Ida, AR 71957
stickers. They’re my
kind of tasteful jokes.
* Bumper, PO Box 22791, Tampa, FL 33622
For
create-your-own bumper stickers, here’s a printing device. They say
it’s cheap and portable.
Write to them for free details.
* Cardinal Publishing, 2071 Emerson, Jacksonville, FL
32207
If you need blank certificates, here they are birth, baptismal, marriage/
divorce,
wills, awards, diplomas, etc.
* Chemistry, PO Box 1881, Murfreesboro, TN 37133
These guys advertise all sorts of useful chemical agents. You can order
with safety.
Hear the feds before they hear and find you! CRB sells
books and equipment
that reveal all the "secret" frequencies of the FBI, CIA, ATF,
CC,
customs, and the military. This is like a big supermarket for buggers,
anti-buggers,
and others who want to know who is listening to what and
why.
* Dwan Starks, 515
Byrne St., Petersbrug, VA 23803
Learn the secrets of locksmithery (aka lockpicking), with
books,
instructions, tools, accessories and equipment. A starter kit is available
for
$5.
* Ephemera, Inc. 275 Capp St., San Francisco, CA 94110
Perverted and
disgusting buttons are the forte here, and they also do
custom work. Bad taste is their
hallmark.
* Freedom Press, Box 2451, Farmington Hills, MI48024
This place is like
having access to a major library on chemical,
biological and explosive warfare. They sell
how-to books, plans and formulas
to Haydukers everywhere. These are good folks.
*
Funny Side Up, 425 Stump Rd., North Wales, PA 19454
This is an adult version of the old
Johnson Smith catalog. You need a copy
of this class clown’s bible.
* Gims, Box
45212-452, Baton Rogue, LA 70816
Fill up your first-aid kit from this legitimate wholesale
medical supply
house, which sells medical treatment equipment and supplies. A catalog
costs $5 (refundable with order).
* Inkadinkado, Inc., 105 South St., Boston, MA
02111
Rubber stamps + your imagination = grand fun. These people furnish
hundreds of
splendid, creative and custom rubber stamps and accessories.
The rest is up to your wonderful
mind.
* Kansas City Vaccine Co. PO Box 5713, Kansas City, MO 64102
These folks
sell all pet products and drugs… real drugs. One item that
may interest you is rabies
vaccine.
* Lindsay Publications, Inc. PO Box 12, Bradley, IL 60915
This is very
interesting publishing house, offering a lot of old-fashioned
how-to books for the person who
wants to be independent and self-reliant.
There are all sorts of technical goodies available
here and the catalog is
free.
* Male Order Photolabs, 18718 Ventura Blvd.,
Tarzana, CA 91356
This lab will process your sexually explicit photographs and get them
back
to you safely. The cost is $8.95 per twenty-four exposures, plus a buck
for
postage. They accept MC and VISA. They’re O.K. merchants.
* Mesa Books, Drawer 1789-AX,
Denver, CO 80201
Choose from a list of more than five-dozen books loosely related to
survival and nastiness to your enemies. The incredible price is just $1
per book… neat
titles, too. Their motto is "Ban Defeat." I can get into
that.
*
Norstarr, PO Box 5585, Pocatello, ID 83202
Make your own explosives and fireworks. They supply
everything, including
instructions, formulae and all ingredients for explosives, smoke
dyes,
etc. Catalog is $1.
* Nova Detection Systems, 11684 Ventura Blvd, Studio
City, CA 910604
Need a telephone line transmitter? They sell a kit that is a very
dangerous threat to your mark’s privacy.
* Overthrow, PO Box 392, Canal Street Station,
New York, NY 10013
The official newspaper of the Youth International Party (Yippies), this
a satisfied
reader for years. It’s worth the price of a subscription, well
worth it.
* PBS
Livestock Drugs, 2800 Leemont Avenue, Canton, OH 44711
If your mark may be considered
livestock, you will find PBS a sweet source
of biologicals and other veterinary drugs and
products. They have a $1
catalog with some disturbing implements and medicines for sale.
* P&K Enterprises, Box 6155, Minneapolis, MN 55406
Their motto is "We print
any messages." And they do it on bumper stickers
for a very reasonable price. Here’s
where you get those rotten personal
bumper stickers printed for your mark’s car.
* P.W., 237 W. Houghton Lake Drive, Prudenville, MI 48651
Any message printed and no minimums
for this bumper-sticker business. They
sell’em for two bucks each.
* Seton Name
Plate Corp., PO Drawer DF-1331, New Haven, CT 06505
This fine industrial firm has a huge
catalog full of plastic and metal
signs – identification products. These are stick-ons,
bolt-ons, etc., and
they look real because they are real.
* Shotgun News, PO Box
669, Hastings, NB 68901
It’s 100 percent advertising and the world’s greatest single source
of
guns, knives, etc. This is the gun nut’s bible. If it’s destructive,
someone will
advertise it in Shotgun News.
* SME, PO Box 251, Warren, OH 44482
Ohio must be
the explosives center of the U.S. Here is yet another buckeye
boomer offering all sorts of
blow’em up goodies, smoke grenades, etc. Send
SASE for custom specs and consulting, too.
* Ron Smith Productions, 9000 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, CA 90069
This is the man with
more than 500 doubles and talented impressionists for
the celebrities of yesterday and
today.
* Sooner Supply, Box 454, Lawton, OK 73502
A handyfolk’s supply of
chemicals, casings and other supplies to make
fireworks. A catalog cost you a buck.
This is a mail-order chemical house with
lots of fun stuff at fair prices.
Send your wants and SASE.
* Walter Drake, The
Drake Building, Colorado Springs, CO 80940
This is one of those little catalogs your mother
gets, full of cutesy
gifts and novelty items for the house. It is also a Hayduker’s
delight…
lots of custom-printed and speciality items useful for dealing with marks.
It’s one of my favorites.
* WASP, PO Box 5091-AB, Steamboat Springs, CO 80477
Invest $5 in this catalog of discounted medical supplies and equipment.
They sell all sorts of
drugs, supplies, instruments and medicines at cheap
prices.
* The Wild Geese,
Postfach 1145, 6460 Gelnhausen, Federal Republic of Germany
These folks do some publishing and
some printing. They claim to be on the
cutting edge of mercenarydom, but that may be a shill.
Whatever, they
offer some wonderful printing services, including death warrants, search
warrants, interesting ID cards, etc.
* YS & Company, PO Box 6713, Salinas, CA
93912
Give yourself an alibi with one of the taped sound-effect cuts on this
company’s
cassettes. Great background sounds to play in the background of
your telephone calls. I have
this product – it’s very useful.
* Zebra Mail Center, PO Box 11028, Houston, TX
77391
Your mail will be confidentially received, forwarded, remailed, held, or
whatever
else you wish. The Zebra motto is "use our address as your own."
Free details.
— SPORTS –
At last, something to replace the old balm in the jock stunt
so hoary
to so many of us old sports from the scholastic locker-room wars. Yes, a tip
of
the old helmet to C. B. Gunslinger for this idea.
"I was the last guy out of the locker
room after the morning practice
one day last summer, because I wanted to get back at this
football animal
for some cheap hits he’d taken at me. I got his helmet off the top of his
"That afternoon,
I was laughing so hard at the thought of this jerk
thinking the moisture in the own sweat that
the coach gave me hell for not
being serious enough. If he only knew…" says C. B. with
another big roar
of joviality.
The moral to this story, as all coaches like morals is,
"Don’t get
your teammates pissed off at you."
— STEREOS –
From the storehouse of brotherly love we again welcome C. B.
Gunslinger to transmit
a tip of dealing with loud stereos. He notes that his
brother and his punk friends inspired
this idea.
"I need to study or want to be alone to read and my brother and his
damn
friends crank up the stereo and keep me away until 3 a.m. It happened
all too often,"
Gunslinger related. "I stopped that nonsense. Every time
he’d blare his stereo I’d just
turn on my CB radio and key the mike a few
times. It sends a great shrill, piercing noises
squealing through the stereo
speakers."
Happiness means that the Gunslinger
brothers have reached an agreement
to please all concerned. C. B. says this cooperation
concept will work for
people in other apartments and houses, too.
Remember that old
college game called "Switch," favored by Greeks,
where you moved your thumb from
location to location on command? Several
readers noted the idea that switching components on
stereo equipment might
advance the cause of Haydukery. For example, switch capcitors and
resistors,
or solder bridges between previously unjoined ports. Cut a wire at a
junction, but leave it in place mechanically. All of this fun stuff will
cost the marks lots
of repair dollars.
— STINK BOMBS –
Freshly soiled diapers make
great close quarter attack bombs,
according to the Hombre of Justice. He says they work great
in hot weather,
especially if flung into the mark’s face, food and/or drink at a day’s end
The formulae for other stink bombs, these delightful
potions, continue
to pour in. And since we really can’t package Uncle Gerry’s Expulsions
into
a practical delivery system, we’ll have to make do with the next best
devices. One
of these came from Filthy McNasty and Vera.
"It’s vile, disgusting and will make strong
men weep. But it works and
here’s how," F&V write. "Take a small jar and break
an egg into it. Stir
well, then add an equal volume of urine straight from the tap. Mix well
and
leave uncapped for twenty-four hours. Then, cap it tightly and set aside for
a
month.
"After thirty days, hold your breath, open the jar and strain whatever
comes
out into another container. Apply as and where needed with mirth and
guaranteed
results."
If your mark has done anything to you that requires a fishy response,
thank Tanya for the following. She says a small squid tossed somewhere into
a very warm
climate will putrify in a very short time and become a vile-
smelling mess for a very long
time.
She also relates that abalone will get totally sickening if you put
into a jar of
water for a week and left in the sun for another week. The
odor is "indescribable, but
awful… don’t get near it," she notes.
— STUDS –
Our
expolitico from New England wonders how it would look if your
mark, a happily married man
who’d been true the little lady always and
forever – even when they were first dating at Sam
Jackass High School -
where to get a "Happy Birthday Daddy" card from out of town
with the name of
another female high-school classmate on the return address? That’s a long
— SUCCESS STORIES –
As I have
so happily proved, Hayduking has become one of the world’s
finer participant sports. More
people are commercializing on the fact. In
Montgomery, Alabama, there’s a firm known as Dirty
Deeds and they specialize
in what they advertise as "sweet revenge." For twenty-five
dollar a shot
they do such things as mail dead rats, push pies in the mark’s face, deliver
to… ?
kindergarten
teachers, they want to franchise the operation and go national.
"All over America, people
are dying to get even with other people," they
claim.
Don’t we know it, ladies. It
all started right here. And, as Uncle
George says with a knowing grin, "Lemmings must
know something we don’t."
The disciples of Hayduke remain active. There are rat-a-grams,
dead
flowers by mail or delivery, and I hear that George Hunter III of
Leavittown, PA,
is escalating the buffoonery. For forty-five dollars, Hunter
gets nasty in a black costume,
and white facial makeup, loads an old casket
with ugly dead weeds and flowers, then deliver it
to the person of your
choice. "People in this country like to get back at other people.
That’s my
market," Hunter claims.
True, amigo, just remember who started it all.
a veneer of
professionalism that will raise Haydukery to a life form
recognized along with the other
classics, i.e., we might even make the
Yellow Pages one of these days. The leading hitter in
the pro ranks is Dick
Smegma, action-able chief of the Revenge Squad. Dick is a prolific
contributor to these pages and as his last year’s yuletime greeting card set
the tone: Merry
Syphilis and a Clappy New Year!
Many years ago when I was still flying, I used to pilot for
the
local jump club. So did Palm Beach’s Bob who told me a funny story about it. A
friend of his flew an old DC-3 for local jump clubbers who used to make
practical jokes a
lot.
He got back at them by sneaking his copilot into the plane secretly
before the
jumpers loaded. The pilot came strolling in last and told the
guys he was flying solo that day
as the copilot was ill. They told him, "No
sweat." He smiled as he closed the cabin
door and prepared for takeoff.
About five minutes into the flight, the pilot locked the cabin
door
behind him as he strolled down the deck toward the open jump door. Unknown
to the
jumpers, the copilot was flying the ship.
"She’s on auto pilot, guys, I guess, so have
fun…" the pilot shouted
as he jumped out of the ship with his own parachute.
The
rest of the plane emptied faster and cleaner than some of the
trousers worn by the jump-team
members.
Someone in Crown Point, Indiana, used a caulking gun and liquid nails
to seal
shut all 102 of the small town’s parking meters, giving citizens a
big break. Although the
police did charge a local carpenter, nobody said
anything one way or the other about it. In
the end, they had to let him go.
No hard evidence.
Thanks to Jeff Woiton of Dallas, I
learned about a Hayduking that took
place in the cold winter of 1985. Jeff set me a clip from
the Dallas Times
Herald explaining how some pranksters spilled ethyl mercaptan in the lobby
leak and ordered
an evacuation.
— SUITCASES –
How you handle this next nasty
depends upon how subtle you want to be
or how mean. According to Travel Agent Paco, my main
man from Mexico, you
simply stuff your mark’s suitcase(s) with poison ivy. For maximum
mental
effect, leave the vines and leaves in the suitcase until the mark finds
them. For
maximum total physical effect, remove the ivy only after you have
carefully crushed it and
rubbed it all around the inside of the case, being
certain that the nasty secretions from the
plant go everywhere. Happy
tripping, Mark!
— SUMMER CAMPS –
Time to put away the jokes about Jason, poison ivy and Camp Crystal
Lake. I have a real
question from a real contributor. He is Captain Video
and he has served a tour of duty as a
camp counselor for a bunch of ten- to
sixteen-year-old kids, some of whom are really obnoxious
little bastards.
Let the captain explain.
"I have delightfully pulled some of your
pranks on adults, but
hesitate to pull them on kids. Maybe some of your other readers have
also
served as summer-camp counselors and would be kind enough to share some of
the
devilish and nasty things they did that were suitable for deserving
little
peckerheads."
Let’s hear from present and former counselors.
—
SUPERMARKETS –
Filthy McNasty and lady Vera are back in the Hayduke news with some
Either you or a friend go
into the supermarket and buy a bottle of
catsup, steak, barbeque or spaghetti sauce and take
it home. Open it and
insert several dead cockroaches, beetles, dead lizards, or whatever.
Reseal
the bottle or jar and return it, saying that you got the wrong brand, and
exchange it, without letting the clerk look into the bottle. Some
supermarket geek will put it
back on the shelf. Eventually, some customer
will buy it, and come dinner time… Back it goes
with a full-blown case of
hysteria, let’s hope right in front of other shoppers.
For
another stunt, walk into the market with a friend or two, making
sure you are well within
earshot of as many customers as possible. Discuss
the recent outbreak of botulism poisoning
that the health department has
traced to that particular market. This is especially good if
the market has
a deli or hot food take-out service.
Still talking, even though the
Tylenol cyanide poisoning are old hat
now, mention how the police are looking for a copycat
poisoner in the area
of the market of your choice. You can add a twist to this also. As you
are
in the checkout line with a few groceries, start eating from a bag of potato
chips,
cookies, or whatever that you are buying. Be sure that lots of
customers can see you. Suddenly
clutch your chest, then your stomach, and
act as if you are poisoned. Make disgusting noises,
and generally give the
impression that you are going to croak right there in the market.
Scream
that the stuff you were eating was poisoned. A couple of accomplices whisk
you
out of the store into a car to "go to the hospital emergency room." You
make a clean
getaway. Improvise on this one and you can have a lot of fun.
It’s great to have my buddies
back – the terror of the supermarket
cabal – Filthy McNasty and Vera. Not only are they fun
folks, but they
concoct, perform and write well about funny things. This time, they are
taking an even bigger dump on the supermarkets. What set off this terrific
tirade by this
terrible twosome? The daughter of a good friend was a
stockperson at a local produce pit and
was the victim of extreme sexual
abuse, economic butchery and employer violence, compounded by
the old-boy
network of the local newspaper, small-town officials, the courthouse crowd,
etc. You recognize the usual cesspool of small-town crap. Enter Filty and
Vera.
Filthy
said he first set himself up as a bag boy at the mark’s huge
emporium of grocery grossness. It
was easy. He just copped a white apron,
dressed as they dress and became a four-dollar an hour
moron carrying out
folks’ grocery bags. Let Filthy pick up the story.
"After
bagging a customer to the car, round up five or six empty carts
and look for a customer just
entering or leaving their cage [biker lingo for
a car]. Choose an expensive set of wheels or
look for people who appear to
be uptight creeps.
"Then roll that thundering row of
charts broadside into their car…
whammmmm, you know what that does to cheap car doors. The
people will bitch
and yell. Tell them to bitch at the owner, the carts are his, not yours.
you
split."
You might come back to the same place a week or so later and repeat
this
same stunt.
Filthy and Vera’s second chapter involves you and/or your surrogate bag
boys
standing outside the store or just inside the door offering straight
customers some new
premiums for shopping there. Offer them acid, a joint,
some hash, a swig of scotch from your
bottle, some kiddy porn, maybe even
flash someone. Be prepared to make a fast exit on this
one, so control your
laughter. It’s tough to run when you’re hysterical.
Filthy and Vera
say this next one takes balls, but I think mostly takes
good, strong arms and fast feet. They
call it "Food fight" and it becomes
obvious as you read.
A bunch of friends,
six to ten, go casually into the mark’s store.
After a minute or so for all to get settled
into a location (preplanning is
vital here), the leader grabs one of those PA system phones
for in-store
announcements and says "Attention shoppers. (Mr./Ms. mark’s name), our
manager, welcomes you to our seventh annual food fight. Participate and win
a $200 gift
certificate and, remember, it’s all legal and all in fun."
With that, you shills start
flinging everything they can at each other
and at the straight customers, who, hopefully, will
join in. Try to throw
stuff that makes splashy messes.
Tip over people’s carts, pie
them, spill food from shelves, fire spray
cans of shaving cream and whipped cream at people as
you dash by. Totally
trash the place. Obviously, you and your ringleaders will wish to
escape
before order is restore and blame begins to settle out of the messy chaos.
You
have about ten minutes on this stunt. Who says market day had to be
boring!
Are we
having fun, gang? You bet!!!
Let’s tone down the levity for a moment and do something very
subtle,
simple and effective. Locate the mark’s store’s silent alarm – they all have
them. Set it off or short it out. Split fast, or just continue to shop if
you were able to hit
the alarm without being spotted (watch for TV cameras
and surveillance mirrors).
Or,
here’s another stunt. Most markets have outdoor banners and signs
with the weekly specials
advertised. Some creative editing will alter
"Ground Beef $0.89 Per Pound," or
whatever the store has, to "Fresh Dog Crap
$0.49 a Pound," or "Fermented
Iranian Pimples $0.15 Ea," or "Fresh Wino
Piss, $1 a Pint."
Speaking of
whom, do you know some old winos? You can probably bribe
several of them to lie down in front
of the mark’s market and drink their
bottles. It may repel a few customers. Also, bribe one of
the winos to puke
on someone.
— SWEETIES –
My old pal LTC
MAC is a devoted reader of Easy Riders and other
literature of the genre. A gentle, Christian
man and former Sunday School
teacher, LTC Mac shares his fine way of bringing some new friends
into your
former sweetie’s life if she has proved to you that this is what she desires.
Write some very simple, friendly letters in her name to folk
incarcerated in the nation’s
prisons. All sorts of cons write letter to Easy
Riders, Overthrow, The la Free Press, etc.,
requesting pen pals and more.
LTC MAC wants only to help everyone achieve maximum karma.
He suggest that you no make the letters too friendly or they will
appear phony. As he notes,
the idea is to entice the con to write back,
hoping he/she will be one of the nastier ones who
use these ads to bait
unsuspecting marks themselves. It isn’t too hard to figure this out when
you
read some of the magazines. Try to avoid obviously sincere cons as a lot of
them are
in prison in America and do not belong there, just as a lot of
people at the top of government
and industry belong in the very worst
prisons we can find.
Among the things you can
offer the cons in your "Sweetie’s" letter are
jobs, money, and sexy photos. Be sure
to include a sexy – but not gross -
photo with a second letter. Second letter? Sure, write
again as the real
sweetie will probably ignore the con’s first response letter. It doesn’t
Elmer Groin’s girlfriend was given the shaft by
so many other guys
that her mother, a prudish divorcee, nagged the hell out of Elmer to
marry
this girl. Elmer, a computer engineer, was a nice, rich nerd. But he wasn’t
dumb
without a sense of deviousness.
"I set up a loud, boastful jerk at work with my
soon-to-be
ex-girlfriend, without telling her. I showed him her picture and said what a
great and easy lay she was. Half of that was true, anyway," Elmer related.
Now, comes the
kicker. Elmer gave the guy the address of the girl’s
mother’s apartment and let him in with a
key he had "borrowed" about ten
minutes before mother was due home from work. He
told the guy to get
undressed and to surprise the lady, as she got all hot when surprised
like
that.
At this point, dear reader, I’ll close the page on this true story so
you might fantasize the climax with your own creative imagination.
My friendly New Jersey
woodcutter, Mr. Justice, has a fun idea for
revenge involving a straying lady, although it
would also work with a
husband. Her is Mr. Justice’s idea.
Recruit a trusted female
friend to phone the mark’s husband and say,
"Keep your wife away from my husband."
Let’s proceed with the heterosexual
scenario. The accomplice continues, "He swore the
affair was over last year,
but I have proof they are at it again. Just keep your whoring wife
away from
my man…" Stop and break into a brief bit of semi-hysteria here.
Continuing, the accomplice also says there are photos of the couple
and that she will share
them when she gets them back from the lab. When the
mark cries out, "Who is this?"
The accomplice says, "I’m sure you know…
just tell your slut wife to stay away from my
man." The she hangs up.
Everyone likes to receive mail. So leave it to me to create an
favorite tabloid
publication that features classified personals of a very
intimate, personal nature. Look for
an ad that offers to exchange pictures
and intimate dialogue. Compose a letter form your
exsweetie, getting a
friend of whatever sex to help you with the handwriting. Be inventive
and
very explicit. Remember, you’re writing a sales letter, i.e., soliciting. Be
sure to
include a snappy photo of your ex or someone who’s really sexy
looking.
The following
happened to a reader of mine. He gave his girlfriend
money toward buying her own car, bought
her a ring, lots of clothes, stocked
her pantry and sprang for dinner at good restaurants at
least twice a week.
Her response was to hang out in bars on his two work nights a week and
let
herself get picked up by local college kids, although she swore they never
went to
bed.
He decided that since he couldn’t marry her he would help her have the
wedding
anyway. A printer did invitations, our hero placed the story in the
local paper complete with
announcement photo of the bride. The caterer was
ordered and all was set for the date. The
surrogate groom? It was an old
drunk scarffed up from a local gin mill who was paid $100 for
the stunt.
Everything clicked in place. The story/picture of the bride ran in the
local
paper Friday and all the usual wedding stuff happened Saturday,
including the
"groom" who showed up at both the church and at "his" bride’s
home.
Naturally, everything and everyone there was in a total turmoil. To
add to the fun, the
"groom" was drunk as could be.
The bride had no idea what was happening. Curious
friends were
calling, the church was calling, the caterer had arrived and there was a
smelly old wino at the door insisting he was marrying the young lady of the
house.
Here is an
unusual, but not rare situation. Your friend’s sweetie has
just done a number on him or her.
For whatever reason you are among the
emotional casualties. From previous books you know all
the SOP fight-backs.
Here’s a little deeper tactic from Chester of the Spoon, a master of
"When a couple breaks up, the dumpee is probably slandering
the dumper
all over the place. If you, the friend, got hurt, too, keep on the pressure.
It ain’t nice, but keep reminding your friend how rotten the other party is
and what wildly
sexual thing the other party is likely doing now with
everyone and anyone. Nasty, yes, but it
will keep the pressure and the flow
of rotten tricks on the ultimate target," says
Chester.
Little Tommie Titmouse didn’t get angry when his sweet young lady was
a mite
unfaithful. Indeed, this gentleman even offered to help her broaden
her services. He ambled on
down to his favorite printer and got a couple
hundred index-sized business cards printed that
advertised her name -
Sweetie’s Unusually Erotic Massages." He also included her
parents’
telephone number as she lived at home, her hours of noon until 3 a.m., one
price for all, and no tipping. He also put the Via and MasterCard logos in
the upper boarders
of the card.
The cards were posted in bars, motels, phone booths, the local airport
and
bus station and in the day rooms of the local military base. If your
exsweetie lives alone,
Tommie says you should print the girl’s at-work
number.
Tanya from Long Beach is one
mean Hayduker. Here goes.
"I used the gentian or methyl violet stunt on a little tease
who came
on to my husband during a week-long camping trip, but only after she finally
embarrassed me publicly. I got even privately.
"I put it into a box of expensive and
intimate dusting powder, wrapped
it in fancy paper and sent it to her. Inside I included a
typed personal
card telling her this was a sample of a new product from a local ritzy
store. She should enjoy it while she looked over the credit-card
applications, which I also
enclosed as a part of the cover."
Tanya reports that her friends told her this young
tease’s boyfriend
wore a long, unhappy face for a long time, which means the stunt struck
— TAR –
I’ll never forget the expression on the face of
Raymundo Diaz when he
told me, "The man with access to a bucket of tar has more power
than the man
with an eighteen-inch neck in the bar-room fight." As always, Ray’s
priorities are on schedule.
It takes less time for me to tell you to obtain a bucket of
roofing
tar from your nearest lumber yard that it does for you to think of ways to
use
this natural weapon against your mark. Consider the thick gooey nature
of this substance and
how it adheres to almost everything with the same
serious tenacity. Need references? Ask your
mother, spouse or anyone else
who has had the unsuccessful frustration of attempted tar
removal from
objects like clothing, car interiors, skin, hair, food, lawns, gardens,
pets, children, paintings, water systems, air conditioners, and so on and on
and on.
Tar
belongs, Haydukers. Enjoy its immoderate use.
— TATTOOS –
Tattoo
fun can be contagious, as I realized when my friend Don the
Registrar showed up with one on
his shoulder. He told me he got loaded
beyond control and just had it done. That got me to
planning.
Suppose you had a really mean mark who was straight in all ways except
with
booze. He was a mean drunk. After you got him loaded, a custom tattoo
artist could come to the
safehouse location and put just about anything your
cash would buy on that resting mark.
Dozens of fresh tattoo ideas are
rushing into my mind as I create this sentence, spiling over
each other to
the first in line to mess up your mark’s future with his world. Do you have
forehead?
— TAXIDERMY –
It’s a fun time when Uncle Geroge leaves his Idaho redoubt
and rolls
his customized Zapata mobile home in for a visit at Ft. Hayduke. It means
evenings of fun, drink, love ‘n laughter as we rerun, over and over, the
memories of our silly
youth. This last time, Uncle George had an idea to
quell the curious and, as he put it,
"to piss off nearly everyone, as I’ve
finally found the universal disgust
switch."
Uncle George says to locate a previously living puppy or small dog,
first
choice being a cocker spaniel. Your actual choice would depend upon
you, your territory,
neighbors, friends, and related factors. Your next
choice is that of finding a taxidermist to
mount the head and paws properly.
"Raw, disgusted shock is what you’re going for,"
Uncle George roared as
he explained this to me. "If you’re lucky, they’ll think you
killed it, and
with imagination you can come up with a suitably distasteful war story of
slow, painful mayhem."
Nurture this one well, gentle reader.
—
TEACHERS –
A lot of us owe where and what we are in life to our teachers. That
though alone must piss off a whole lot of folks daily, including their
teachers. Want to have
some fun with the teachers anyway? Some teachers like
to be really unresponsive to legitimate
questions, during exams, for
example. Chester the Spoon says you can crack this facade by
either noisily
throwing up and/or fainting during the exam period. A faked seizure also
works, as I have found out through some nefarious experience of my own.
When he wrote to me,
Mark Fedyk was a nice kid, a bright, high-school
senior. Somehow, I feel that Nelson Chunder’s
book matured him. Anyway, he
pulled off a grand stunt and now that the statue of limitations
has expired,
i.e., he has been graduated, we can share this with you for your own use and
He worked in the school print shop where they produced complaint card
for
teachers to use to communicate with the principal which students had
been naughty. Mark made
up a card for a fictitious student named "Mike Hunt"
and slipped it in with some
real ones.
After some time hunting through records for this mysterious student
and
finding nothing, the principal of this large school thought it must be a
new student or a
transfer and that he paperwork had not yet caught up with
him. So he asked he secretary to
page the student on the school’s general PA
system which went into every room during the
morning homeroom period. She
did. "Would Mike Hunt please report to the principal’s
office immediately."
Mark says the laughter could be heard for blocks.
At long last, a ringy dingy way to handle rude, nasty and
unwanted
telephone solicitations. Thanks to Lancelot A Barward and Karen Feldman
Smith
of Ft. Myers, Florida, for sharing the way. And here it is.
Sam Sewell, a Ft. Myers resident,
has dedicated himself to driving
these intrusive telephone solicitors from Flordia. As part of
his battle, he
listens to the solicitation long enough to learn what company is behind it
form of letter
Sam uses.
August 16, 1985
Dear telephone solicitor and electronic
trespasser:
This is to advise you that on __________ at ___________ your
representative __________________ used our leased phone line and our
telephone equipment. We
lease phone line and our telephone equipment to
serve our needs. We do not want to be called
by business at inconvenient
times with unwelcome propositions. Accordingly, you are hereby
assessed on
a $___________ line and equipment-access fee for use of our phone. An
additional fee will be charged for all additional calls.
Please remit promptly to Sam Sewell,
Ft. Myers, Fl.
Failure to remit promptly will result in action in small-claims court
to
establish the right of a citizen to charge access fees to businesses who
use a citizen’s
leased and owned property. This is a well-established legal
principle and by applying it to
telephone solicitors we may be able to rid
the state of Florida of a pestilence of epidemic
proportions.
Access fee schedule:
Normal business hours $5
Outside business
hours $10
Weekends $20
Sincerely,
Sam Sewell
(address)
In another life, Carla Savage was a starving student who had to work
as a phone
jockey to pay her bills. She gives the other side of the
telephone solicitation business, with
disabled vets, blind and other
handicapped folks, struggling to make a buck. Her thought:
please use an
extra margin of care before you come down on these people indiscriminately.
Carla says they all work on a commission basis. "If you order
eighteen
magazine subscriptions on Tuesday, they get their commission on Friday. If
you
cancel the order the next week or refuse to pay or whatever, that
commission is then deducted
from the next week’s check."
They also get hell from the boss if this happens more than a
set amount
of times, like twice in a month. Neither of us had ever heard of any company
taking a customer to court over small-ticket telephone solicitation, as all
there has been is
verbal agreement over the telephone. Big-ticket items
require a follow-up letter with formal
agreement.
Here’s how Carla handles the bad guys. Remember, she used to work this
game,
so pay attention. "When the caller is really obnoxious or calls at an
ungodly hour, I
make sure I get the name of the caller, the company and the
telephone number, then listen
until I get bored. I hang up and wait half an
hour.
"I then call back and scream at
whomever answers to talk to a
supervisor right now! I usually get one. I explain, doing my
best to sound
the part of an hysterical middle-class housewife, that some sicko from this
a book or
video tape on the delights of oral sex, or sodomy with farm
animals, or something like
that.
"I threaten with everything a housewife could think of, saying that my
husband is a lawyer, or some sort of police authority and will get them when
he gets home,
blah, blah, blah…
"By this time, the manager will probably ask me who made the call.
You
give him/her the name of the rude solicitor who started all of this with
that
inopportune telephone call. Naturally, you never give the manager your
real name. Use the name
of some secondary mark."
Another of Carla’s fun ways to beat down obnoxious solicitors is
to
freelance for them, without their knowing it. If you’re bored and have
access to
another private telephone, not your own, start calling people -
either at random or as
secondary marks. Identify yourself with some sleazy
name, or the name of a tertiary mark, and
say that you represent the
solicitation company that you want to burn.
What do you sell?
Carla says you can sell dildos in decorator or racial
colors. Or sell kiddy porn. Sell drugs.
Sell snuff films. But have fun by
offending people in the name of this telephone solicitation
firm you
dislike.
— TELEPHONES –
This scam may have already
disappeared as Ma Bell’s Computer Police
move in to destroy amateur phone freaks. But, as
you’ll be using pay
telephones, it might be worth a try.
You want to call a good friend
and talk for awhile. Send that friend
a letter setting a specific date and very specific time
when your friend
will be at a pay telephone. You already have that telephone number. Or,
you
can reverse the roles.
Using fake names, place your call as a person-to-person
collect call,
making it to the pay telephone number. The best time to try this is early
telephone number. The best time to try this is easily evening or on Sunday
when the operators
are busy. If you hear unusual sounds, clicks, or the
words "coin check" from another
voice, hang up and clear out fast.
You can help turn Ma Bell into an even meaner mother,
though, at the
expense of jerking your mark’s long-distance trunk lines around. Muffle your
way, pay
telephone. Say the call is from (choose one) mom, dad, the kids,
etc. It’s better if you know
actual names and that the "person" doing the
calling is out of town. It’s much
better to have the call made from way far
away so it adds more to the mark’s bill. When he or
she accepts the call,
try to keep the mark on the line as long as possible. All sorts of funny
and
creative planning could go into that aspect of this stunt.
Despite advertising to
the contrary, the "new" cordless telephones are
not really all that secure from
outside ears. One expert, Jimmy Carter,
tells us that even cheap ham-radio receivers can pick
up transmissions from
these telephones. You can listen, record and otherwise use your
mark’s
cordless telephone conversations to your advantage if you’re in range, can
find
the frequency and know how to use this illegally obtained information.
I’ll leave that part of
it to you recreational hamsters who enjoy electronic
sleuthery.
If you have access to
your mark’s telephone when it rings and are lucky
enough to have a telephone solicitor on the
line, by all means go for it.
This bit of advice came from Charlie Porker, who used to run a
boiler room
of phone banks for national political candidates.
"Most of these
numbers are dialed automatically, so the sales jockey
already has the called name and number
on his display screen. Keep that in
mind so you don’t try to order stuff for your mark from
your own phone if
the sales person calles on your own line," he advises.
"Hopefully, the solicitation will be for something the mark has
absolutely no use for.
Try to keep the order under $100, as a larger amount
is usually verified."
This
idea can be modified for an office where it is easy to use
extention telephones and not so
easy to check on who has ordered what for
whom. Here is where you can use someone else’s
telephone to make outgoing
calls ordering several gross of imprinted pens, key chains,
T-shirts, etc.
Naturally, sales companies will insist that custom-printed items be paid
for, which will continue to create fun for the mark long after the packages
have arrived. But,
remember, heed Charlie’s advice… don’t get greedy. Keep
the order routine and on the modest
side.
— THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF REVENGE –
And now, thanks to the
Apostle of Revenge, Dick Smegma, I humbly
present for your persual, belief and adherence, the
Ten Commandments of
Revenge. Stay faithful and you’ll have a lot of yucks without the
heartbreak
of being caught.
1. THOU SHALT NOT TRUST, NOR CONFIDE IN, ANYONE!
If you do, that person could eventually betray you. Even if it is a relative
or
spouse, don’t tell them what you are up to. Implicated accomplices are
OK.
2.
THOU SHALT NEVER USE THINE OWN TELEPHONE FOR REVENGE BUSINESS!
Always use a public
telephone, or an unwitting mark’s, so calls cannot be
traced back to you, or someone who knows
you.
3. THOU SHALT NOT TOUCH REVENGE DOCUMENTS WITH THY BARE HANDS!
Bare
hands leave fingerprints! Wear gloves.
4. THOU SHALT BECOME A GARBAGE COLLECTOR!
Once your victim places garbage outside his home/office for pickup, it is
100 percent
legal for you to pick it up yourself. You can learn about your
victim by sifting through his
trash. The pros do it all the time.
5. THOU SHALT BIDE THY TIME BEFORE ACTIVATING A
REVENGE PLOT!
Give the victim time to forget about your and what he has done to wrong
you.
Getting even too quickly makes it easier for him to discover who is doing
it!
6. THOU SHALT SECURE A "MAIL DROP" ADDRESS IN ANOTHER CITY!
You don’t
want revenge mail being traced back to your residence/town, do
you?
7. THOU SHALT
LEARN EVERYTHING THERE IS TO LEARN ABOUT THY VICTIM!
The best revenge schemes/plans are
hatched by people who know their victim
better than their victim does.
8. THOU
SHALT PAY CASH ALL THE TIME IN A REVENGE PLOT!
Checks, money orders, etc., can be
traced back to you. Cash cannot!
9. THOU SHALT TRADE WITH MERCHANTS WHO HAVE NEVER
HEARD OF YOU!
Do business with people only once when involved in a revenge plot.
Possibly
wear a disguise so they will have trouble identifying you in a legal
confrontation.
10. THOU SHALT NEVER THREATEN THY INTENDED VICTIM!
Why warn
your intended victim that you are going to get even? When bad
things begin to happen to your
victim, whether or not you caused them, your
victim will remember your threat, and he’ll set
out to even the score with
you.
— THEATERS –
Are you
bothered by tall people sitting in front of you at concerts or
films? Here is an easy cure.
Either bring to the theater or fill in the
theater restroom, a twelve- to sixteen-ounce
container of water. Pour it
slowly on the seat in front of you. Nobody will want to stay in a
wet seat.
Caution: You might warn people before they sit down in front of you that
others tried to sit there earlier, but the seat(s) is(are) wet.
If you hate the theater having
cause to get back at the management,
substitute some kind of glue, rubber cement, corn syrup,
or something else
gooey for water. Again, be kind, warn the potential sitters first. If
it’s
your lucky day, maybe they will be obnoxious jerks who will tell you to mind
your
own business and sit down anyway.
— TIRES –
The Greasy Mechanic
suggest that if you want to hurt your mark in
his/her ride that you pay attention to the
tires. New radial tires are
designed to roll in only one direction. So, switch sides and get
the tires
running in the opposite direction. As Mark Hastings adds, "This action will
long
wedding."
— TOILET TISSUE –
Oliver Snot is one of the
cleanest people I know. He is also one of
the most frugal. That’s why he tries to recycle
everything, including
noseblown tissues.
"I dry it and refold it so someone else
can use it again," Oliver
says. "If I don’t like the next user, I try to fold it
with the big boogers
and lungers still in there, when I replace the tissue in the mark’s
container."
Can you imagine recycled tissue paper being really desirable for use?
If so, how do you feel about previously used toilet paper?
— TOILETS
–
There must be a lot of cement merchants and plumbers in cahoots in our
great
nation. During talk shows and in my mail bag, I have about a dozen
accounts of cementing a
toilet. Here’s a summary.
Turn off the water supply to the toilet, flush it, then flush it
once
more. The tank or bowl will not refill, obviously. Fill up the bowl with wet
cement
and trowel it level before you close the lid. As an added sentiment,
you might use your finger
to spell some rude, scatalogical message to your
mark.
— TRAVEL –
A lot of my domestic travel time is in those areas of the country
where cops play speed
trap with crooked technology and old boy magistrates.
That’s why I enjoyed hearing Gary’s
story about adding an aluminum storage
tank and electric pump in the trunk of his souped-up
car, along with a hose
aimed out the back.
"I filled the tank system with sulphur
dioxide. Then I got the old
bully boy fuzz on my tail in his pathetic Dodge patrol car and led
him out
of town in a mini-chase. I opened up on him at about fifty feet and engulfed
him
in this could of foggy gas. He ran clear off the road and dumped his car
assend into a
swamp."
This gas burns and chokes a person, obviously messing up his vision.
Gary
said he picked an area where no real harm could come to the officer and
fired his blast before
they got up to any unsafe speed.
Of course, as Richard Stone points out so cogently,
"Where there is no
patrol car there is no speed limit."
Moving from the
highway to one of the great travelers of the world,
the late LuLu McManmon, sister of might
Bruno, used to say "if you’re going
to travel on the Titanic you might as well go first
class." She had this
great idea for motels, tour-ships staterooms and other habitats of
the
ill-treated tourist. She used to do this to expensive dumps that went out of
their
way to make her stay miserable.
"I always think positively so I though misery might like
company,"
LuLu told me once. "You know how these places store extra soap and towels
in
the closet? I used to carefully unwrap the soap, stick a bunch of my
tight’n'curlies
[aka pubic hairs] on the soap, wrap it back up and replace
it in storage for the next
guest."
Yeah, LuLu, I bet that made a big hit with the management when the
next
guest called to raise hell about the short hairs on his soap.
More hijinks from the Skull,
only this time the fun happens before the
mark gets off the ground. Skulls says to make a
piece of metal or foil into
the shape of a gun or nasty looking dagger and then slip it into
your mark’s
carry-on airline luggage.
"This really works well because the piece of
metal or foil is really
thin," says Skull. "You can put it between folded clothes in
a briefcase
between photographs or pages in a book. There are dozens of hiding places
where it will not be easily found, except by the airport metal detector or
X-ray
machine."
Always be on the lookout for double fun by also sticking a very small
plastic bag of white powder in the mark’s bag or pocket.
— TV SETS –
thoughtlessly assigned to the
dump by the planned obsolescence of Japanese
technology and American marketing. According to
Lindley Cajones, these older
models, generally pre-1983 units, really mess up TV reception
within 500 to
600 feet of being used. Think about that… a portable TV thumper right
there in your hand.
— TYPEWRITERS –
I have associates within the
FBI who tells me to be careful of using
your own typewriter for doing nasty mail using other
people’s names and
addresses. Despite a lot of screw-ups in the FBI, their lab folks are
sharp
and can pretty well ID individual machines among mass-production runs of IBM
typewriters.
The answer is either to use coin typewriter from a public library in
another town, as I suggested in my first book, or to rent one from an office
equipment store.
Buy your own typing ball from another store and use it on
the rental. Replace the rental ball
when you take the machine back. "To be
warned is to be wise," and this comes from
the FBI.
By the way, I assume you’ve watched enough detective shows on TV to
know to use
rubber gloves when handling paper and envelopes that are going
to a mark. You just can’t be
too careful about fingerprints these days.
— UNDERARMS –
There
are many unfortunates who suffer from chronic underarm radiance,
or as it’s known in better
clinics, armpit stench. A sensitive person has
only to shop among the huddled masses at any
less than urban mall or
supermarket on a weekend to appreciate this offense.
I propose a
solution.
If your mark is one who suffers from this problem, a few gentle hints
from an
interested other party (spouse, friend, business associate, etc.) to
use a powder deodorant
will set up the next stage. Before going on, let’s
toss a hearty thanks to the ankle biters of
Aunt Nancy’s Nursery School for
the remainder of this old factory operation.
When the
mark has been set up to the point of using the deodorant
powder on a regular basis, you
replace the top layer of that nice, gentle
odor suppressant with 1) yeast powder, 2) wallpaper
paste, 3) or something
else along these same tacky lines.
Actually, it’s an idea fit for
a Brut.
— UNWASHED –
You’ve worked with or shopped near someone
who hasn’t been near
bathwater and soap for a week. In France, of course, it’s their way of
life.
But, in a civilized country that is just not done. Rick from Denver has a
suggestion.
"This guy at work rarely bathed. Seriously, you could not stand to be
within five feet of him for very long. He stunk. No amount of subtle hinting
worked,"
Rick relates.
"I bought a piece of raw chicken at the store and taped it under his
desk out of the way. The other three of us in the office acted like nothing
was wrong and went
about our business.
"He must have found it over the weekend, because it was gone
Monday
and so was his own odor. We never had any problem after that."
– UTILITIES –
You’ve not doubt heard the expression, "Hold your water."
Mark
Hastings, a POW in Yuppieland, cements this pledge with good old-fashioned
fervor.
In his neighborhood, the water meters are shut-off valves are
located
out from the homes
at the edge of the road. The controls are covered with
metal lids and are in holes a foot or
so deep.
Mark needed to pay back at a nasty neighbor who had violated his
rights and
property and had the money to get away with it. Mark bought 160
pounds of concrete mix for
$6.20. He shut off the neighbor’s water vale,
then filled the hole with the 160 pounds of
quick-drying concrete one night.
"You would not believe the size of the hole the utility
company had to
dig in this guy’s lawn to get his water service restored. The crew foreman
—
VENEREAL DISEASE –
Choose the sex of your caller carefully, but our old friend Bullet
the
Hemorrhoid says to call a local VD hotline or other health clinic and in
really coy
fashion explain that you think you’ve infected (mark’s name) with
a (be specific) strain of
venereal disease. The name you use to report will
not be important unless you make it too
silly for credibility. Don’t. You
want the authorities to contact your mark.
Did you ever want to make a "snuff film"? These movies or
videos are
really sick fantasies in which one or more of the stars is murdered,
supposedly for real, usually while in the midst of or directly after some
sexual act. In all
my worldly travels and those of my associates, I have
never seen any such film/videos outside
of the news shown on television.
Snuff films are just carefully done staging… fake all the
way.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it, sort of.
Some very trusted friends who have
experience with the video industry
could help you. But I cannot stress the word
"trust" enough. The idea is to
make a tape using an actor or actress who is a dead
ringer for your mark.
The scenario from there is up to you:
* Mark as snuffer
*
Mark as snuffee
* Mark as director/financier of snuff.
Another twist is to make a really
scuzzy porno film with an actor/
actress that looks like your mark.
—
WINE –
The husband had spent twenty years painstakingly assembling one of the
finest wine cellars in the Midwest. After six nasty months of divorce
proceedings, the wife
ended up owning the house and everything in it. The
first time she went downstairs to fetch a
bottle of ‘59 Lafite-Rothschild,
she discovered that the labels had been soaked off every
bottle, the lead
foil peeled from every cork and all the bottles mixed up so that no two
identical ones were in the same rack.
— WOMEN BEATERS –
I agree
with Carla Savage that these scumbag beasts are right on the
top of the list with child
molestors when it comes time to hit back. But for
this generic nastiness, according to Carla,
your mark in this matter really
doesn’t have to be a full-time wife beater, any deserving jerk
will do.
"Call the local shelter for bettered women, usually late on a Friday
or
Saturday night as those seem to be prime hours when these creeps have to
reassert their
flagging masculinity by having a bunch of drinks and then
knocking the old lady around,"
Carla says.
"Have a male friend do the talking. Have him sound a bit drunk, very
surly and very foul-mouthed. Ask for the mark’s wife or girlfriend by name.
Mention the mark’s
name a lot, too, as it is ‘him’ making the call.
"Insist the attendant is laying if he or
she tells you that the woman
is not there or refuses to give out any information. That’s SOP.
Tell the
attendant to put her on the phone or you’ll come down there and forcefully
take
her home your own way.
"Get really nasty. Get sexist beyond the lunatic fringe. Threaten
to
torch the place. Threaten to rape everyone there. Make lesbian charges.
Laugh when
the attendant says he/she will call the police. Tell them you
have an axe and explosives. Get
angry and loud. Keep mentioning the mark’s
name and that of his wife or girlfriend. Suddenly
hang up."
Carla says to wait about fifteen minutes and have your friend call
back.
Have your friend sound all sweetness and light. He can’t apologize
enough. Have him cry a
little. She says these jerks run in patterns like
this. The idea is to make a very realistic
performance. Accept the telephone
counseling for a few minutes, then gradually get a bit more
militant about a
man’s right and that "even if you love (her name) a lot, she lies,
etc."
Build into that insulting, threatening rage again.
If your male friend is a
good enough actor and you do a bit of research
beforehand, Carla bets you can have the police
at the mark’s home with the
second call outburst. Most shelters tape their calls, so keep that
in mind,
regarding what your male friend says and who your male friend is, i.e., pick
someone who is not from the area.
Carla had to use this stunt on one of her exboyfriends who
liked to
beat up girls. She said it worked all the way, as outlined. She later found
out
the boyfriend spent a little time in the slam before his true alibi
stood up. But you can bet
your last dollar that the cops kept his name on a
list. I know cops.
As a final comment,
Carla asks that you save this plan for a last-ditch
effort unless your local shelter has
several telephone lines or uses
volunteers with phone-forwarding services. She says,
"Don’t tie up their
phone lines so that a truly legitimate emergency can’t get through.
Treat
these numbers with the same respect you would 911."
— ZIPPERS
–
Chester the Spoon claims that liquid solder really messes up zippers.
This
tidbit of information is useful whether or not the mark is wearing
clothing. This knowledge
could be applied as well to a closed tent,
imprisoning the campers. There are all sorts of
uses for this plan. Thanks,
Chester. Keep a zip upper lip!
— ZOWIE, THE
LAST WORD –
You should always have the last word, as long as I am guaranteed the
last action. I would like to do another book and if you have any ideas,
suggestions, stunts or
tricks to share, please write and tell me all about
them. Write to George Hayduke, PO Box
1307, Boulder, CO 80306. If you
include a return address, I will write back personally. Also,
please let me
know what pen name you want me to use if I include your stunt in the next
book, or, if you wish, I can use your real name. I don’t know about you, but
this stuff is
true fun for me, so let’s share the laughs. Write. Please? Or
else!
AN UNUSUAL REQUEST
We’ve had curry, soups, ceremonies, mail order and sexual stunts
graduate student
named Dementia Dermaptera who is doing a book of roadkill
photos.
"I ask your
readers to take their cameras on the roadways of our world
and photograph the roadkill. Then,
send the photos to me and I will make a
book of these photos. Each photographer will be
credited with his pictured
roadkill and the book will be published. I see this as a unique
research
effort," says Dermaptera.
Send your roadkill photos to: Dementia
Dermaptera, PO Box 1307,
Boulder, CO 80306. This coffee-table book will be out in better
shops
everywhere, soon.
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