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Toilets

There must be a lot of cement merchants and plumbers in cahoots in our great nation. I have seen about a dozen accounts of cementing a toilet.

Here’s a summary. Turn off the water supply to the toilet, flush it, then flush it once more. The tank or bowl will not refill, obviously. Fill up the bowl with wet cement and trowel it level before you close the lid. As an added sentiment, you might use your finger to spell some rude, scatalogical message to your mark.

Some more Toilet Pranks
  • Place clear cellophane over the toilet bowl but under the seat. Works best at parties where a large percentage of the people are drunk.
  • Place a small tube in one or the water holes with the other end pointed outward at the victim. When flushed results in an improptu shower.
  • Flush waterproofed cherry bombs or M80’s down public toilets. Explosives in PortOPotty’s can be fun too.
  • Place vasilene (or some other reasonably clear gel) on the seat at night. Listen for the screams. ICYHOT or Atomic Balm are even better. Also put the stuff on the toilet paper.
  • Shoe Polish of the appropriate color on the seat.
  • Place several packages of “Knox” (clear geletin) in the toilet of someone who will not be around for several days. Looks like water and is harder to detect than the celophane on the lid. For a more instant effect, there is a substance availlable at most magic supply stores called anhydrous sodium polyacrylate which holds up to 300 times its weight in water. Doesn’t take much to turn a toilet solid or someone’s drink, or…
  • Rig a 220 outlet to a urinal. I can only imagine how much this would hurt.
  • Rig an outhouse to have some explosive buried in the hole, and the trigger to the toilet seat. The victim will have a great time trying to clean that off.
  • Place a candle a little below the seat and off to the side. Methane lights up quite nicely.

More Revenge Ideas with Toilets

If you enjoy playing in the potty without blowing one up, consider this trick. Saturate a large dry sponge with a thick starch solution. Squeeze it tightly as possible with tough string. Allow the whole thing to dry thoroughly. Then remove the string, and the sponge will stay in its compressed state. Put it, or as many as you’ve made into targeted toilets, flush the sponge down, and walk away from the fun.

It may take a while for the sponge to become wet enough to expand solidly. Have patience — it will do so soon. For your purposes, you probably hope it is farther down the drainage system than is convenient for a repairperson to get to easily. Holy backup!

If you have some of that poison-ivy extract left over from the section on swimming pools, heed Ed Hoover’s story. As a kid, Ed obtained some extract of toxicodendrol (poison ivy) and applied it liberally to the toilet paper in the counselors’ outhouse at his summer camp. He said he later did the same thing to the officers’ latrine while serving Uncle Sam. Maybe Ed just has this problem with authority figures. Even so, that’s a lot more comfortable than the problems his authority figures got wiped out with.

Mower McMurphy sticks closely to commodes. Like the sticker man from Boulder, McMurphy has a very sharp, nasty mind and uses creative revenge. One of his classics is to have official-looking warnings printed on permastick stock. When, for some reason, he gets irritated at someone or something in a bar, office building, school, or utility, he will post each restroom stall in the area.

Each sticker bears an official-looking seal and signature around the message, which reads: DANGER: THIS RESTROOM OFF-LIMITS DUE TO INFECTIOUS VENEREAL DISEASE. STAY OUT FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH PROTECTION.

In another campaign, McMurphy printed up graffiti-style stickers, which he posted over toilet-paper dispensers in the bathroom of least-favorite marks. The stickers read: WARNING: THIS TOILET PAPER HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS NEW STRAIN OF ASIAN GONORRHEA. Uh-huh — I know what you’re thinking. But, would you really take the chance anyway?

Now, if you wish to be discriminatory, this next trick works best in a bathroom frequented by women. According to nationally known sexist Butch Bryant, it is also an old trick — cheap bathroom humor, Butch calls it. A gay sort, though, Butch will always settle for a laugh. Butch once said, “A cheap thrill is better than no thrill.”

Lift the seat of the commode, then stretch and place Saran Wrap very tightly across the top of the bowl so no creases show. Then lower the seat gently. The trap is set.

Ideally, the mark will come dashing in, sit, and let loose. Your humorous imagination can finish the rest of this trick, when the trap is sprung, so to speak. Butch Bryant says this works best in barrom johns. Anything you say, Butch.


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